Right, we need to start with how dire the song Weather With You is. I have despised it since I was an ickle kid of seven, and my completely justified hatred of it has only become more polished, more steadfast and more toxic as the last three decades frittered past. This is not due to my own neuroses. Precocious scamp me, I correctly clocked in childhood that the song deserved a fierce and unrelenting shoeing. Aside from the music's crystalline dreariness, the central lyric is wholly risible. "Everywhere you go, you always take the weather with you." Wherever you are on the planet, there's always a bit of weather. You, reading this review right now: look at the air around you. What that air is doing is called "weather". Only astronauts are exempt. I was wondering if divers are similarly weatherless, but surely weather will affect the water they're in? I'd always assumed it was somehow a romantic song, that the serenaded girl brought sunshine wherever she stepped. Nope. It's meant to be halfway between a zen koan and a motivational poster quote. It succeeds, in that it combines the bullshit of the former with the bollocks of the latter. The rest of the song's lyrics are charmlessly pretentious (Caesar conquering the sky?), seeking to advertise their assumed parallelism with Bob Dylan, but not even managing Mark Knopfler. Also, the whole metaclaim the song makes, that this is quintessential dad rock, calumniates dads: dads can listen to much better rock than Weather With You, and dads do listen to much better rock. As for the rest of the album, the first track OH GOD THIS ALBUM IS FUCKING TERRIBLE ITS THE WORST ALBUM IVE HAD ON THE GENERATOR SINCE MELLON TWATTING COLLIE AND THE INFINITE BASTARD SADNESS HOW THE FUCK DID THIS ALBUM GET INCLUDED ON THE LIST I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW ANY PERSON COULD BEAR TO LISTEN TO THE WHOLE BELLENDING FORTY EIGHT MINUTES AND ELEVEN SECONDS OF AURAL GONORRHOEA THIS ALBUM DISSEMINATES THERE IS NOT EVEN A VAGUE GESTURE AT A PLEASANT QUALITY OR A REDEMPTIVE FEATURE THAT COULD PERMIT THE LISTENER A MOMENTARY LIFT FROM THEIR LUCIFEROUS HATRED OF THIS ALBUM AND WHAT CATALYSES THE HATRED THIS ALBUM ENGENDERS IS THE ALBUMS MONUMENTAL SMUGNESS ITS SO PLEASED WITH ITSELF FOR MAKING SUCH ASININE PAP TRUE STORY THIS I WAS UNABLE TO LISTEN TO ALL THE SONGS TOGETHER IN ONE SITTING I WAS SO REPULSED I HAD TO BREAK UP THE ATROCITY BY PLAYING MUCH BETTER SONGS AFTER EVERY TWO OR THREE TRACKS FIRSTLY I STARTED WITH CHARLIE FEATHERS CANT HARDLY STAND IT WHICH HAS THE SLIGHT MISFORTUNE OF BEING IN A TARANTINO MOVIE THUS ROBBING IT OF ITS COOLNESS BUT I STILL GET OFF ON THAT ROCKABILLY GROOVE THEN I WENT FOR DONOVANS ATLANTIS A CLASSIC BIT OF HIPPY NONSENSE FOR WHICH IVE ALWAYS HAD A REAL AFFECTION THEN MY INTERNET WENT DOWN FOR A BIT AND I WAS WELL CHUFFED BECAUSE I COULD POSTPONE LISTENING TO THE REST OF THIS JIZZSCAB AND THEN IT CAME BACK ON AND AFTER TWO SONGS I PUT ON LOOKIN FOR A KISS BY THE NEW YORK DOLLS THEYRE MORRISSEYS FAVOURITE BAND DONT YOU KNOW THEN AFTER THAT I CHOSE THE PASSIONS IM IN LOVE WITH A GERMAN FILM STAR A POST PUNK ONE HIT WONDER THATS WONDERFULLY ICY AND CORUSCATING AND I FINISHED WITH LL COOL JS MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT BECAUSE I WANTED SOMETHING FUN AND STRAIGHTFORWARD AFTER HAVING DEALT WITH CROWDED HOUSE THE LITTLE SHIT CAKE BAKERS WHILST READING ABOUT THIS MUSICAL EQUIVALENT OF HAVING YOUR HAND REPEATEDLY SMASHED INTO A CAR DOOR I DISCOVERED THAT THE BANDS FIRST ATTEMPT AT THIS ALBUM WAS REJECTED BY THE RECORD LABEL HOW BAD MUST THAT HAVE BEEN WERE THEY LITERALLY JUST RECORDING PARTICULARLY CACOPHONOUS DIARRHOEA OR SOMETHING AFTER WITNESSING THE TRIAL OF ADOLF EICHMANN THE PHILOSOPHER HANNAH ARENDT CONCEIVED OF THE BANALITY OF EVIL WHERE SHE ARGUED THAT EICHMANNS CRIMES LIKE SO MANY CRIMES LACKED ANY SERIOUS IDEOLOGICAL MOTIVATION BUT WERE MAINLY DRIVEN BY AN UNTHINKING COMPLACENCY BOLSTERED BY CLICHED DEFENCES SO IF THIS MUSIC IS BANAL AND IT IS DOES THAT IMPLY ITS EVIL WELL FAINTLY YES THIS ALBUM EXEMPLIFIES THE BANALITY OF EVIL MUSIC LISTENING TO THIS ALBUM IS AKIN TO WITNESSING A LITTLE OLD LADY BEING MUGGED AND QUICKSTEPPING IT AWAY BECAUSE YOU DONT WANT TO GET INVOLVED CROWDED HOUSE MAY BE THE MOST GUILTY BUT WERE ALSO GUILTY WE COULD HAVE STOPPED THEM AND WE DIDNT AND WE WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT SQUEEZING OUR CONSCIENCES IN A VICE UNTIL THE DAY WE DIE I have to say, Woodface isn't really my kind of thing.