1001 Albums Summary

At the supermarket, there is one aisle I never go down. It has the dog food and the baby food - admittedly a strange pairing - but since I don’t own either, I don’t visit. Plus, it smells unclean. Listening to this album is like walking down that aisle. There is nothing there I want or need - everything they have here is for made for others. I understand what it is and what it’s there for, but I don’t have any use for it. This project is clarifying that there are so many styles of music out there and I simply don’t give two shits about some of them. This is one of those.

More like, “So Dated with The Everly Brothers”! But, spectacular Dad jokes aside, I kept waiting for Patti Smith to bust into the middle of the man-splaining in these songs and kick these whitebread bitches right out of their cardigans. I would have been fine dying without hearing this album actually.

The Fun Lovin’Criminals. I don’t think so. Their only crime was this album. It was terrible - like a bad Sublime cover band playing musical Scatergories at an adult contemporary party. But all is not lost! I’ve decided to take this opportunity to rank my Top 10 Real Life Fun Loving Criminals. While their public lives were defined by violence, many notorious criminals pursued surprisingly mundane or strange hobbies in their downtime and I’d like to rank those. To be clear, I’m ranking the uniqueness of the fun activity they used to relieve the stresses of murder, embezzlement, theft or whatever. The criminal and the crime bear no weight in the rankings. Here we go! Numbet 10. Country Music Video Mogul Joe Exotic “The "Tiger King" loved to make country music videos. He saw himself as a serious country music star. He released several albums and filmed dozens of music videos (often featuring his tigers and body doubles). Although it was later revealed that he lip-synced most of his songs, his dedication to the persona of a video country star was a full-time hobby. Number 9. Die-Hard Sports Fan John Dillinger, the infamous robber of 24 banks in the 1930s, was a talented baseball player and a die-hard Chicago Cubs fan. He famously attended Cubs games at Wrigley Field, even after breaking out of prison (twice) and while he was on the FBI’s "Most Wanted" list, trusting that his disguises, his sunglasses and the other die-hard fans in the crowd would hide him. He was never captured at a game. Number 8. Painting Clowns. John Wayne Gacy: The infamous serial killer, while on death row, took up painting. He was prolific, creating thousands of pieces. His most infamous works were self-portraits of his alter ego, "Pogo the Clown," but he also painted Disney characters and landscapes. Seriously, a painting of Goofy by John Wayne Gacy? Creepy AF. Number 7. Making Jewelry. Another serial killer, Albert DeSalvo, better known as the "Boston Strangler", had a surprisingly delicate hobby while incarcerated for killing 13 women. He became skilled at making necklaces and costume jewelry. He even sold his handmade jewelry from prison, and this is one absolutely true fact: his most popular style of necklaces were “chokers”. Sick people, those consumers. Number 6. Impersonating Elvis. Rod Blagojevich, the disgraced former Governor of Illinois who went to prison for trying sell Barack Obama’s senate seat to the highest bidder, was a die-hard Elvis Presley fan. This went beyond casual listening; he was known for performing full Elvis impersonations. While in prison, he even fronted a band called "The Jailhouse Rockers," performing hits for fellow inmates. Number 5. Banjo Picker. While incarcerated at Alcatraz, the infamous mob boss Al Capone fought boredom by joining the prison band, the "Rock Islanders." He learned to play the banjo and the mandolin and wrote many sappy ballads and a love songs. Quite a change of heart from the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre that got him sent to prison. Turns out, he loved to pick that banjo.🪕 Number 4. Hot Chocolate Magnate. Bernie Madoff, the man behind the largest Ponzi scheme in history, didn't stop wheeling and dealing once he got to federal prison. He just switched commodities. Madoff reportedly cornered the market on Swiss Miss hot chocolate packets in the prison commissary. He bought every single packet available and sold them to other inmates at a markup for a profit. Even behind bars, he couldn't resist running a monopoly. Number 3. (Tie) Private Soccer and Volleyball Games. Pablo Escobar and Osama bin Laden: The Colombian drug lord was a huge soccer fan. He built soccer fields in impoverished neighborhoods and frequently flew in professional players for private matches at his estate. It’s a safe bet you always let Pablo win this one! Bin Laden, the founder of Al-Qaeda, was known to be an avid volleyball player. Being 6'5", he was a formidable presence at the net and frequently organized games with his followers. That is something I want infrared video of. Osama in his beard, wearing his tunic (or even better, short shorts) going up for a spike! Number 2. Pigeonry A true criminal after serving time for rape, Mike Tyson is primarily known as a violent boxer and a casual cannibal. His lifelong passion, however, was raising pigeons. He has owned thousands of birds throughout his life and claims that his first ever fight happened when a bully killed one of his pigeons. He finds the hobby deeply therapeutic and maintains a pigeon coop to this day. And the Number 1 Fun Lovin’ Criminal pursuit- Writing Romance Novels. Saddam Hussein loved to write romance novels. Not shitting you. The Iraqi dictator, who was convicted of International Crimes Against Humanity and used poison gas on at least 10,000 of his own people, wrote multiple love stories, including a romance novel titled Zabibah and the King. He also had a passion for gardening and especially loved to grow sunflowers. Who knew the vicious dictator was such a big softee? These are the true fun lovin’ criminals.

I’m glad I got past the first few songs, because I think the album improved after a rough start. But maybe I just became desensitized to the vibe. Overall, it had some cool moments, but it was way too long and very unfocused. Sugar Cane and JC created interesting grooves. Everything else just kind of blended together in a kind of sonic stew that resulted in everything tasting and feeling pretty much the same.

Having gone to college for the arts in New York City in the early 90s, I was surrounded by people curating the coolest music from every style. I was exposed to great punk, hip hop, jazz, blues and alternative rock. Of course, Hüsker Dü made it through the speakers, although this album was not in the rotation - the earlier stuff was much more alive and much more influential. This album is their divorce album - the couple has already broken up but they are trying to show us kids how much they both still love us so we get excess: two Christmases, two Hanukkahs and two New Years. Twice as much stuff, when we’d rather have just half of it, but with things back to the way it used to be. The album sounds like R.E.M. if Michael and Peter had a better drug dealer and went to jail more often than classes. It’s actually a good road trip album, you can put it on and let the energy of the music guide your drive. Not terrible, but definitely not their best.