My 1001 Albums Journey

Cover? Bad. No shrek version of Hallelujah. That’s strike 2 Mr. Wainwright. If that is your real name. I think the title of “Mr. Wainwright” is probably taken by an off-duty oil man who drank the most Jell-O shots at some fly by night bar in the titular northern Alberta town. Stiff competition Rufus. Oh what a world. He omits the “wonderful.” Already a slap in the face of Louis Armstrong. Bold. I respect it. Also, it just dawned on me that ol’ Rufus is Canadian. Huge miss on my end. This music is actually pretty cool. Lush and grandiose. Like it’s bellowing through an empty church. Good atmosphere, but the vocals are not my favourite. That normally doesn’t play out well for the review. Noooooo. No. Nope. In the wise words of that one weird Italian (?) guy from that one “I Think You Should Leave” sketch; “Stinky.” Good lord. Boring and yet somehow also truly terrible. Only a vicious world could produce something this abhorrent. Alright. We’ve truly decided the direction we’re going into I suppose. The melodies continue to disappoint and the vocals continue to stay at the same annoying tone. Things are not going well for the Canadian here. Is it too late to disqualify him for being born in the USA?? I even checked Wikipedia. We all know about divorced dad rock, but have you heard of divorced mom rock? Rufus was making brave new strides in this still burgeoning genre. This was bloated and smelled like wine. I felt empty listening to it. Go or Go Ahead is a brief respite. A little bit more of the emotion I’m looking for. A better melody for starters. Some energy for finishers. It’s, by no means “good,” and it sounds a little bit like Coldplay not looking for radio play, but it provides more than the preceding march through songwriting purgatory. 8 more songs hey? What’s the opposite of Christmas miracle? A Yuletide tragedy? Maybe I’ll trademark that. Nobody beat me to it. Vibrate sounds like the rest of the songs so far. This is an adult Harry Potter enthusiast’s favourite song. Something so very millennial about it. Maybe I need to speak to a doctor. This is the most depressing album I’ve heard in months. Oh good. The same vocal tone again. Should’ve left this stupid vibrato on 14th street pal. Yes, I could’ve made that “joke” on the song “Vibrate,” but I was essentially catatonic listening to this fucking disaster. This song is like a pharmaceutically pacified psych ward patient attempting to sing in a hallmark commercial. Poor Natasha. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment. Bad song. Messy horns. And you guessed it, the same vocal tone. Back to the well. It sounds like he fell down a well and if that would end this, I’d be in favour. My hand would be stuck up in an affirmative vote. 11:11. Make a wish everybody. Shhh don’t tell me or it won’t come true. My wish won’t come true anyway, as I will be listening to the rest of this song and album. I guess the cat is out of the bag. I’m sure it wishes it could go back in the bag. I know I do. Fuck. Another wish down the tubes. How is this not the same song? Please end please end please end please and please end please end please end oh god it’s swelling. Good lord this was atrocious. There’s nothing to even grab onto and make fun of. It’s just the same boring song on repeat. Each track sucks the colour out of the room reaching through the listening device. Vitality vampirism aside, the lyrics weight speak to me and any cool sounds that occurred on the first song were ultimately betrayed in favour of the true intentions of the artist. Apparently those intentions were to exhaust the listener via a barrage of unlistenable songs with a monotone vocal that began to resemble drone music. If nothing else, bad albums are exciting creative outlets for me. “Want One” couldn’t even produce a canvas, let alone the paints in order to produce something of value from this steaming pile of low-budget Coldplay. 0-0.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Oh What a World.

I checked and I am delighted to report back that Bittersweet Symphony is NOT on this album. Imagine the revelry of the populace. Drinks fly in celebration. Confetti and streamers drape the teary eyed crowds who celebrate avoiding the lamest song of the 90’s. It’s a victory. Will the victory parade continue? THIS IS MUSIC *clap clap clap clap clap* THIS IS MUSIC. You get the idea. Actually, I’d like to provide a rebuttal. More of an amendment. This is bad music that is also stinky. Nothing sweet about this. My night terrors are back. The clockwork orange coded twink front and centre is usually the subject of these terrors. This song felt like drowning while having a college student attempt to woo you. I assume. With the Britpop, so goes the boredom. I wish I was on the intellectual plane that The Verve has ascended to here. One can only dream. Perhaps I haven’t suffered enough in my young life, but I have never experienced a longer 5 minutes. Another song and I might OD on the spot here. Get the NARCAN. Ok at least this is their second album. This whole thing has sounded like they’re completely out of ideas. Just quit. I don’t hate the idea of the riff here but the execution is overblown and the vocals remain brutal. Not in a “Br00tal kvlt” way either. Grim and Frostbitten in the worst possible fashion. Holy hell this is something else. One of the most excessive, masturbatory wastes of tape reel I’ve had the displeasure of experiencing. Hey. Take the last sentence and reapply. Why was this released? What needed to be expressed here? It’s certainly not coming across. What I hear is a group of guys with nothing to say, trying to be cool and ultimately failing. Well apparently not, as they’re on this list. So. Congrats. Acoustic Soundgarden set and Chris Cornell has a cold and a case of the East London chimney sweeps. This is the least obnoxious vocal we’ve heard, but this is still silence masquerading as a song. Maybe this album is a protest. If Oasis believed they were the most artistically abstract band to ever exist. I also retract my statement about the obnoxiousness of the vocals. Hmmm interesting. HIStory??? Breaking news. Verve cancelled. Villagers rejoice. A lot of rejoicing in this review despite some of the worst music I’ve endured this year. And this list throws down the gauntlet. Another one of the worst songs ever written. Please end. Every. Song. Is. 5. Minutes. Long. And. The. Same. Somehow we fit in a lousy truck commercial riff in here. Try that in a small town. I don’t need a reprise of anything. Perhaps a violent reprisal against this waste of 60 plus minutes. Wait it’s 54. Genuinely slowed down time. This is an iceberg drifting into the warming ocean for a final time. The slow onset of apocalypse. A collection of songs somehow worse than Bittersweet Symphony. They may stylize the words different but I don’t care. This sounded like people who do coke imitating people who do other kinds of drugs. This is music by and for people who believe they’re on an elevated plane, but they’re just boring simpletons sitting in caves lined with Warhol prints, desperately swiping left on anybody who looks too old for 18 on tinder. Every hurl of the vocals induced nausea, every nothing riff went nowhere, and I was thoroughly angered by the very idea that this was conceived and released. Seemingly with malice for art and a need for acceptance into the world of cool. This is as good as releasing feedback for 60 minutes. I would’ve preferred that as a protest or piece of anti-music. The Verve produced a slab of prententious garbage dripping with self-importance and a false sense of artistic merit. Only the biggest of pseudo-intellectuals need apply. If you get one skip throughout this endeavour, it would not be wasted on “A Northern Soul.” I wish I had afforded myself the same mercy. 0 HIGHLIGHTS: Having this behind me. Never to be heard again.

I hate all David Bowie hits except maybe suffragette city as it’s not glitzy glam pop. I’ll never understand how we as a society take run of the mill pop and turn it into a profound artistic statement because we like the artist’s personality. However, I know he can be weird and I’m hoping this one is. 6 tracks, 38 minutes certainly tells some kind of story. This sounds like Beavis & Butthead transition music so far which is honestly far better than rebel rebel or anything of that nature. Aaaand here come the vocals. Rock opera. Ugh. There are moments where I believe this is cool. There are many others where the piano and disco kicks in. What the hell is this? Ah man. No good. Elton John piano licks without any of the fun. Is it too late to skip this? Wow guys, this disco song is slightly longer than normal AND the singer has a wacky haircut. This is equivalent to great literature. This sucks. Fuck. Riverboat music. Fat rich cottage goer tunes. I don’t think I can fairly listen to this. I just think he’s insufferable. The bad part is that there are cool ideas that I could see myself enjoying. Some of the vocal harmonies at times sound cool. Lots of sounds. There’s just a general poppiness that I can’t stand. Sounded like death grips for a second. Unfortunately it’s still me in the grip of a cruise ship based nightmare. Why is this crooning over a karaoke steely dan instrumental considered “must-hear”? Is this also Christian? Holy hell. Washed up musician having an evangelical breakdown whilst on barbiturates during a reunion show at a local casino “type beat”. Hail Satan and bring on more pedestrian tripe! Right on cue. Oh baby, the bow tie on the wedding singer is loose now. Everybody is a few loonie drinks in. Time for some more riverboat jingles. It would be fun, sort of like a massive artist, to see what I could pass off as quality based off my name alone. They have to have tried it. traaaaaaaansition. I actually don’t hate the saxophone. There’s something!!!! It’s weird and good. Stay?? Why don’t you go?? Hahahah. Man I’m good. This song has actually sent me into hysterics. These vocals can’t be real. NO. There’s no fucking way. You can’t like this. These vocals or satire. This is making fun of mid 70’s crooners right? HE CANT SING. This is one of those moments where I feel like I’m in the interstellar universe screaming at an oblivious public from behind a space/time continuum rift. This is not good and I refuse to hear arguments to the contrary. Valueless and one of the worst songs I’ve heard in many years. Thoroughly unlikeable from start to finish, this album is a mix between run of the mill and completely insufferable. Musical competency at points jumps it from zero, but the horrendous singing and pop cheese takes this thing beyond the gutter, into a vat of talentless disco-tinged slop that is gulped down by the ladle by buffoons because it has David Bowie’s face slapped on it. Worthless as a psychedelic experience, even worse as a musical one. HIGHLIGHTS: The silence following the final track.

I don’t think I can do this. It’s just a pop album right? I know as a man, this probably isn’t targeted towards me, but I mean it’s starting with a song that would have a 10am slot on a light rock radio station. Money changes everything. I wish it changed the chorus. I’ve never heard this next song. Girls? Having fun? Nah I’ve heard this song actually. In every gas station, roller rink, shopping mall, grocery store, dentist office, tv show, bus depot, and terrorism hostage video since I was born. It’s not for me. I actually don’t hate this one. It’s got that sort of melancholy 80’s tone that appeals to me at times. It’s kind of nice to start. Although the lyrics are dumb and again the repetition is just so gratuitous. It wears out its welcome. Pass. Every tv/movie prom scene ever. Man this album had the hits. Again, what can I say? I hate this song. I really don’t understand the appeal. It’s pop. Is this supposed to be a “great work” like the Beatles stuff we’ve heard or even fun like Boston? These are driving to work radio ballads that are kept on low volume. OH GOD MAKE IT SHE-STOP. This is BRUTAL. That chorus is poison. What is happening. Is she drunk? Off kilter schmaltz with garbage lyrics. Nah. Reggae guitars. The worst genre of music ever to exist seeping into an already bad pop album. This is a mess for me. This one sounded kind of interesting for a second. Kind of driving and cool, but it just devolves into her vocals and other garbage. The weird techno driving is a little cheesy and dated but better than literally anything on this album. Guys. This is kids music. Is this comedy? I’m embarrassed to be listening to this. It’s all too dumb. The lyrics are childish and rote. This album is not good. I get that people have fond memories or really like dim, catchy pop music. Hey I like dumb stuff, but please don’t attempt to make it high art. It’s dumb. End of story. This was unlistenable and made me feel embarrassment, misery and eventually anger that my Spotify algorithm has been ruined by allowing mainstream nonsense to be played. 1 HIGHLIGHTS: None

Genius? Hey. I’ll be the judge of that. Why, you may ask? Because I’m highly judgemental and type like a Reddit moderator. That’s pretty much good enough for these days. This song was in Mafia 2. Man I’m a cultural savant. This thing runs like a freight train. Hell yeah. Jazz breaks, excellent singing, bombastic (in a good way) big band. “I got 50 cents more than I'm gonna keep” is a god damn “bar” as the kids say. Back down to earth. A little Frank Sinatra-y. Very of the time. Not my favourite. The best band in the land?? Man they must be hyped. Oh wait it’s a different band. Not his band. Anyway. This one is ok. The mix is destroying my eardrums a little but we stride on. Two years of Torture. Pretty decent. Good even. More smooth. A little too smooth. Still loving the jazz interludes. The quiet moments in this one are nice. Deed I Do is real good. Blues, jazz, quality vocals. Yes. This is what I want. Excellent blues, mixed with jazz piano. Soulful music with some complexity thrown in. Just for a Thrill is pretty great. You won’t let me go. If this album was bad I could have a field day there. What is a field day? Be right back. Apparently anything that happens in a field after 1800. So like a big fun dance OR some sort of weird ritual. Whatever you want. This was fine. Bad. Not a good song. Feels lazy. Next please. I guess my review got lazy too. You get what you pay for Mr. Charles. Do NOT let the sun catch you crying (Not clickbait) (Scary). Floated by. Yes Ray, you’re blue. Somebody answer the man, it’s been 65 years. Probably because he forgot to put a question mark. He asks “Was I gay?” Huh? Do we have a LGBTQ2S+ Queen on our hands? I love it. Call him Slay Charles. One more track. Very solid. Excellent vocal outro. As can sometimes happen, the beginning of an album is so exciting and when the surprise wears off, it stays where it is. The big band became more obnoxious as I continued through this thing. I know Ray was blind, and if the enhanced ability of other senses thing is true, those horn blasts must’ve blown his ears to hell. Makes me question the musical voracity of his Wrestlemania appearance. Nah. That thing was airtight. This album was good. Not quite wrestlemania 17, but maybe like Wrestlemania 1. 3-3.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Let the Good Times Roll, Deed I Do, Just for a Thrill