I hate all David Bowie hits except maybe suffragette city as it’s not glitzy glam pop. I’ll never understand how we as a society take run of the mill pop and turn it into a profound artistic statement because we like the artist’s personality. However, I know he can be weird and I’m hoping this one is. 6 tracks, 38 minutes certainly tells some kind of story. This sounds like Beavis & Butthead transition music so far which is honestly far better than rebel rebel or anything of that nature. Aaaand here come the vocals. Rock opera. Ugh. There are moments where I believe this is cool. There are many others where the piano and disco kicks in. What the hell is this? Ah man. No good. Elton John piano licks without any of the fun. Is it too late to skip this? Wow guys, this disco song is slightly longer than normal AND the singer has a wacky haircut. This is equivalent to great literature. This sucks. Fuck. Riverboat music. Fat rich cottage goer tunes. I don’t think I can fairly listen to this. I just think he’s insufferable. The bad part is that there are cool ideas that I could see myself enjoying. Some of the vocal harmonies at times sound cool. Lots of sounds. There’s just a general poppiness that I can’t stand. Sounded like death grips for a second. Unfortunately it’s still me in the grip of a cruise ship based nightmare. Why is this crooning over a karaoke steely dan instrumental considered “must-hear”? Is this also Christian? Holy hell. Washed up musician having an evangelical breakdown whilst on barbiturates during a reunion show at a local casino “type beat”. Hail Satan and bring on more pedestrian tripe! Right on cue. Oh baby, the bow tie on the wedding singer is loose now. Everybody is a few loonie drinks in. Time for some more riverboat jingles. It would be fun, sort of like a massive artist, to see what I could pass off as quality based off my name alone. They have to have tried it. traaaaaaaansition. I actually don’t hate the saxophone. There’s something!!!! It’s weird and good. Stay?? Why don’t you go?? Hahahah. Man I’m good. This song has actually sent me into hysterics. These vocals can’t be real. NO. There’s no fucking way. You can’t like this. These vocals or satire. This is making fun of mid 70’s crooners right? HE CANT SING. This is one of those moments where I feel like I’m in the interstellar universe screaming at an oblivious public from behind a space/time continuum rift. This is not good and I refuse to hear arguments to the contrary. Valueless and one of the worst songs I’ve heard in many years. Thoroughly unlikeable from start to finish, this album is a mix between run of the mill and completely insufferable. Musical competency at points jumps it from zero, but the horrendous singing and pop cheese takes this thing beyond the gutter, into a vat of talentless disco-tinged slop that is gulped down by the ladle by buffoons because it has David Bowie’s face slapped on it. Worthless as a psychedelic experience, even worse as a musical one. HIGHLIGHTS: The silence following the final track.

I don’t think I can do this. It’s just a pop album right? I know as a man, this probably isn’t targeted towards me, but I mean it’s starting with a song that would have a 10am slot on a light rock radio station. Money changes everything. I wish it changed the chorus. I’ve never heard this next song. Girls? Having fun? Nah I’ve heard this song actually. In every gas station, roller rink, shopping mall, grocery store, dentist office, tv show, bus depot, and terrorism hostage video since I was born. It’s not for me. I actually don’t hate this one. It’s got that sort of melancholy 80’s tone that appeals to me at times. It’s kind of nice to start. Although the lyrics are dumb and again the repetition is just so gratuitous. It wears out its welcome. Pass. Every tv/movie prom scene ever. Man this album had the hits. Again, what can I say? I hate this song. I really don’t understand the appeal. It’s pop. Is this supposed to be a “great work” like the Beatles stuff we’ve heard or even fun like Boston? These are driving to work radio ballads that are kept on low volume. OH GOD MAKE IT SHE-STOP. This is BRUTAL. That chorus is poison. What is happening. Is she drunk? Off kilter schmaltz with garbage lyrics. Nah. Reggae guitars. The worst genre of music ever to exist seeping into an already bad pop album. This is a mess for me. This one sounded kind of interesting for a second. Kind of driving and cool, but it just devolves into her vocals and other garbage. The weird techno driving is a little cheesy and dated but better than literally anything on this album. Guys. This is kids music. Is this comedy? I’m embarrassed to be listening to this. It’s all too dumb. The lyrics are childish and rote. This album is not good. I get that people have fond memories or really like dim, catchy pop music. Hey I like dumb stuff, but please don’t attempt to make it high art. It’s dumb. End of story. This was unlistenable and made me feel embarrassment, misery and eventually anger that my Spotify algorithm has been ruined by allowing mainstream nonsense to be played. 1 HIGHLIGHTS: None

Repetitive dance/electronic. Pretty fun rhythm and not immediately repulsive. Might get old as album goes on, but first track feels exciting and different. Discordant classical is always a fasttrack to my pretentious heart. VOCALS??? No deal. It’s actually pretty rad. A little too disco-y. “More more more” “type shit” as the youth say while not understanding that deep cut disco reference. Hell, I barely understand it. New song. Thankfully. Hated that rhythm. Fun start to this bad boy. Like the song title. A little more subversive. Less disco, more modern. This is pretty good. Lyrics are fairly lame. Probably don’t understand the cool mid-2000s disco white guy thematic overtones. My loss right? Kind of flip flopping on the lyrics. Good song. Long, but good. MELODRAMA?? Not in my influential album list. The Smiths meets Owl City. Vocal melody kinda bad, but also hypnotic and I was bobbing my head to this. I might just be excited about the prospect of listening to new music, but this album has sort of flown by. Relistenable? Parts. That was kinda nice. Edit. It’s bad. Annoying Billy Joel on psychedelics feature. Ooh no. Kings of Leon. This song is stinky. So lame. Yeah this was a record scratch halting, garbage song. Sad music for people who’ve never been sad. College breakup song. Thumbs down. It removed my thoughts on the next track. Bad until near the end. I can’t bring to mind my effervescent prose and devastating critiques at this juncture. Next song rips. Watch the tapes? I will now. More white stripes/Hives than Coldplay/Fray. Sick. Don’t tease me with a Warren Zevon wolf howl. Werewolves of (trendy New York neighbourhood). What a zinger. That’s the type of “heat” missed when this puppy doesn’t save. Nostalgia takedowns?? Hubba hubba. WHOA, ALBUM NAME MENTIONED. Bass line = NICE. Record pops, weird ambient break which is a plus. Another good song. Picking up near the end. Although it keeps on going. And I’m happy about it. SpongeBob beat introduced to rapturous applause. Oh no. Ballad album closer. Ironic? Almost assuredly yes. Tribute to New York somehow though. Why do people who live in urban areas always feel the need to talk about it constantly? Hold the phone. Big takedown. Why do I like this? What has happened to me? This sounds like Weeser slightly. I hope no music nerds see this. I can only imagine them blowing air out of their one unclogged nostril and whirling their Cheeto dust around the office. Humiliating HIGHLIGHTS: North American Scum, Watch the Tapes, Sound of Silver, New York, I love you but you’re bringing me down 3.5

What a pull. This first song is so good. It holds up. I’m concerned the rest of this may sound fairly dated/horrifyingly bigoted, but this first song is still great. The beat, every verse, the voices, the energy. Fantastic. Jesus. Back to back?? I thought this song was later. From teenage bravado to a takedown of police brutality that is still exists to this day. Angry, frank, the first f-slur. This truly is a special moment. The MC Ren verse is more lame actually. Generic violence bars. When I say generic though. I have to consider that this was 87, 88. Literally nobody was doing this. Man. Three in a row. I came into this knowing three songs and they’re gone. I am heavily concerned. I’m starting to think life really isn’t more than “bitches and money.” God the beat is so good. More slurs! Comes with the territory. Man we loved exclusion. Beat switch is so good. Honestly, Ice Cube and Eazy-E should just take it from here. Is this G-Funk 6 years before Warren G and Nate Dogg flew gently into our rooms and hearts?? A LOT of MC Ren for this one. Oh no. This is repetitive and not in a great way. Were 9 volt batteries really that hype? Yo Ren. This song was also good. Why was it so cool to misspell words. Times have changed. Now you’d be laughed out of your record launch party. CAN ICE CUBE COME BACK???? MC ren has ONE flow. Not considered a prince because I’m a principal. This is word association. Yo uh I spin the globe not an earlobe uhhh. He’s back thank god. So many guitars on this album. The funk guitar samples versus the jazz/R&B is interesting. Easy-E discussing parental discretion for having sex with him. Stick to the over-18s Eazy. If that is your real name. Next “Rap a hole in my dick.” The lyrical crevasse is forming. That famous Kurtis Blow flow with slightly edgy lyrics. This one sucks. Ice Cube required. Beat is salvageable but it says it’s a remix. Damn these special editions. Boring cut and paste song the next time. Starting to feel like Mulhouse asking “when are they going to get to the fireworks factory” with regards to our chilly compatriot, Ice Cube. Forgettable. Express yourself was a point I was dreading. The pop samples can go either way and it’s usually off a cliff. We have certainly veered towards the precipice. Albeit slowly. Boringly. There was so much rage and energy in the first three songs. It has come down to a simmer. And now perhaps to a lull as I hate this song as much as I remember. basic raps over a repetitive pop sample. FUNKY. It’s about time. Compton, along with people (x8) are in the house. The funk disappeared. This sounds like it would play while we waited for the headliner, Ice Cube, to come out. Turns out it’s a diss. Makes sense. This would be devastating to be even remotely compared to this. Oh no. The misogyny break. Why Cube, Why? I wanted you back. And now. Well. You ain’t tha 1. He just wants real love. I Spell girl with a B, while misogynistic, is funnier than anything MC Ren has ever said. Run DMC with gang lyrics. Run- NWA. Dopeman rules. Until it gets into weird sex stuff. Man I’m a broken record here, but I need to listen to more Ice Cube. He is LEAGUES ahead of these bums. Even when he’s corny, he has personality and there’s an urgency and importance to his delivery. This sounds like a poor man’s gangsta gangsta. I’m waiting to hear like old-timey slurs you hear in the sopranos. We’ve pretty much run the gamut with 80’s slurs. Forgettable. Something 2 dance 2 surely is a joke. Cameo making a cameo near the end of this siminal piece of gangsta rap. Man this thing is interesting. Lots of foundational ideas but lacking in energy and originality in pockets. The lyrical themes were new, but the musical ideas weren’t in many cases with a few notable exceptions. HIGHLIGHTS: Straight Outta Compton, Fuck Tha Police, Gangsta Gangsta.

Is this a parody of overly dramatic motorcycle songs? Like wanted dead or alive or turn the page? Really weak start. Overproduced pseudo country riff sounds like it’s dying to be in a Harley Davidson Super Bowl commercial. Lulled me into an angry sleep. More sea shanty like somehow but Jesus it’s the same song structure. Simple riff accompanied by needless melodrama. Preferred the overall tone of this but it went forever. Will there be alt rock?? My note again is I hate the production of this. This might be exciting if it was some underground album and had a hint of irony. I kind of like the lead vocals here. The wail is good, but the mouthful chorus is obnoxious and gets worse as it goes on. This is by far the best song so far, but it again runs out of ideas before it runs out of track. And then here we go. How do you develop fresh thoughts on a song that has blasted in dentist offices across the continent for three decades. Like the last song, there is a touch of elements from the 50’s somehow. Like prom songs in back to the future. I hate the sentiment of this song and again it follows this repetitive song structure that is akin to being hypnotized at a poorly attended casino magic show. PASS I’m starting to lose interest big time. It really insists on announcing its arrival and then gazing at its shoes and barely playing boring rock ideas that have been executed better. I’m not feeling the emotion at all. This instrumental is a good place to ignore the mediocre music bereft of ideas and update on what is a mess so far. I find the hushed, understated nature of this album to be off putting rather than charming. There’s something that makes this sound like Christian rock or something. Song titles aside, Sweetness follows everything on this album. And it’s far too sweet. I’m looking for excuses to leave the desk. I watched trucking TikTok’s. What is with the simple repetition? Every song has the same four chords punctuated by a bad vocal melody. I thought this one might be more upbeat. Medieval guitar stabs are alright in the middle. Some variance and a little bit of a driving rhythm. Better. Oh this sounds like a Bon Jovi B side. Wait, is there energy?? Yes, Undirected energy with obnoxious instrumentals. This album doesn’t do anything right and fills with a melancholy I don’t think it intends to. While these notes are first run, stream of consciousness, the song “Star Me Kitten” compels me to sit and think. This song is obviously out of the ordinary for the album. I had to take a minute. This takes the 50s prom nostalgia to the extreme and beats you into somnambulism via a low crooning over a dream sequence soundtrack. If it’s a parody, it’s unfunny and if it’s serious, it’s an embarrassment to the band and me for having sat and wasted my time. This song is unlistenable. Time for another hit. Wrestling mentioned. BLASSIE MENTIONED. Immediately better. This song is much more charming. There’s a confidence not displayed in the previous songs. Great hook. A strength of this album is the uniqueness of the vocals and it’s far too rarely utilized. After the thrill of the chorus, their verses are a return to tedium, but this song is good to great. Rarely does the interesting music climb the charts, but I guess this is one instance. The album is getting a little better as time goes on. This song has a magnetic quality of some description, but also seems like an ironic Christmas carol. It’s fine, but can’t save this bad boy overall. A low energy end to a low energy album. This is what happens when a band has a bunch of money and no longer feels the pull of struggle. This album is bad. It unlistenable, but bad. HIGHLIGHT: Man on the Moon.

Oh 2004. What a time to be alive/8 years old. Listen. The NHL 2005 soundtrack reference alone is going to win this album points. Energy is good and fairly infectious. The repetition is a little unnecessary. I’ll never understand why people take bad ideas and repeat them endlessly. Although this riff is very fun. This first song is impressing me overall. High energy. Not bad. Oh no. More disco-y. This was my concern when I saw this album pop up. The David Bowie wannabe stuff. It’s fine. I don’t like this chorus. While we’ve heard a thousand bands like this in Chevrolet commercials at this point, it was new at this time. Still, a hyper-annoying chorus. Worrying that it may be a theme. Oh god. The menu comes rushing back. About to attempt to load a corrupted GameCube memory card save file. Nostalgia pushed below the surface, this song rips. The groove is palpable, the energy is ferocious. Despite the implications of the beginning of WWI, this song is simply fun. A step down in energy. Why do all these nerds try to be sexy? Don’t sing about stuff you don’t know. Almost a vaguely metallic riff on this one until the lull sets in. Arctic Monkeys lite here. Not the best but listenable. Stretching the song too far and along with it, my patience. Looking ahead at the lyrics like a child with a low attention span, I’m anticipating a dance song for virgins. Lyrics = annoying. Piano stabs = obnoxious. The bridge seems to rev up and get you excited for a thrilling breakdown, but it just falls back into the doldrums. This is a filler track. Achtung. This is standard rock fare. Not a travesty, but give me something exciting. The riff is good but there’s something missing. There’s an air of trying to be cool that I can’t get past, but it at least drives. Safely. Just below the speed limit. While really only one track has jumped at me, this is a listenable album overall. I can develop critiques for pretty much anything (and have).”This fire is outta control, gotta burn this city” is lame. Write a better lyric. Use a less laboured metaphor than the tired fire and burning with said fire. If nickelback has made liberal use of this metaphor, maybe it’s time to reconsider. (yes in the future but the point stands). No low voice either. Stop that. Thrilling start followed by a bad vocal. This is really the main issue with the album. The vocals are less than sufferable, and I have suffered. I have a rule about listening to music that was written with the express purpose of picking up women; don’t. He’s trying to be sensitive Jim Morrison here and it hurts. The estate may sue. Hell, I may get in on that (class) action. Picking up men now? Different for the time and more interesting. Less “simp-y”. The voice is less insufferable, so that’s good. The energy is higher here and the experience was better. When one has been taken out, eventually, they must come home. Lower key, but a fun guitar riff and vocal inflection. A little more variety in the singing here has made it more interesting. Softer moments help you appreciate the funk guitar sections that ring throughout the album. Good song. Near the end comes the variety, but more low singing which is not great. Also, drop the la la la. Not working for ya. Well I suppose they’ve enjoyed years of financial success whilst I write about their album (poorly) 20 years later, but still, it’s bad. Not a horrible song. Gorillaz Clint Eastwood stabs near the end???? Discordant outro makes me happy. I can appreciate this album for being pioneering, and for being interesting, but it’s just not really for me. It was enjoyable in parts, painful in others, but I suppose that’s the whole idea of this experiment. HIGHLIGHTS: Jacqueline, Take Me Out, Come on Home

I am ungodly excited for this. The first song kicks anything Franz Ferdinand had to say yesterday to fuckin Pluto. Back in the USSR rips. Meat and potatoes rock that is somehow thought provoking and exciting. What at time feels like an interlude is still somehow so invigorating. That lead guitar rules. Glass onion grew on me. Ob-La-Di-Ob-La-Dull. Music that plays at a swinger retreat at an affordable Sandals. Possibly a cruise ship Wednesday dance lineup in an empty ballroom. Raffi for sad adults. Pass. Weird interlude makes me happy. TikTok distortion sounds were, wait, done BEFORE TikTok???? Good stuff. Bungalow bill is kids music with heartbreaking folk verses and a bunch of weird voice changes. God it’s sick. Mild applause outro is the cherry on top. Time for some guitar tears without the pomp of Yngwie Malmsteen or Steve Vai pretending they’re able to convey a single emotion via their rigidity. This is great. The riff is heavy, the guitar is soulful. This album has excellent songwriting Blues mixed with nostalgia mixed with soul. Every song is hitting for the most part. The vocals both lead and backing rule so hard. These guys aren’t overrated. I said it. I’ll have a sasparilla Mack. Oh wait, that was just the open. Violins being introduced now? A little saccharine here but there’s still such dynamism in the vocal lines. Not a highlight here, but the structures keep you waiting for what’s next. I’m so tired. Speak for yourself Beatle, I’m pretty excited still. Another nice blues-y song. Blackbird is a hit and probably plays at millennial weddings, but it is very nice. There are just such excellent songwriting ideas. Quiet and beautiful. Back to early hints of psychedelia. Kids songs with odd macabre elements. Gripping. Especially the pig sounds. Impersonating our young neighbours to the south??? I won’t have it. Yes I will. I lied. Why is this song about a gunslinger raccoon so beautiful. Despite the abhorrent practice of performing human surgery on what I can only assume is abominant anthropomorphic raccoon, this song makes me want to kick down a saloon door and reinjure this raccoon if only to hear another song. Wet circus music is the only way I can describe the next song. Distorted kids album from hell is kind of fitting this album. Mixed in with some of the best songs ever, this puppy is rolling along. Then it’s somehow a bluegrass song? Man I hate all other music now. I’m an insufferable Beatles dad. Do WHAT in the road??? Blues classic. Somehow so good. White guy blues has the potential of dipping into Hard Rock Cafe core, but this feels genuine. Of course it does. It’s their main influence. In a song title that could be a response to the last song, I will is another gentle moment following the raucous outpouring of blues power in the previous track. Although this is a little bit cheesy, the odd instrumentation keeps things gripping. End of disc 1 pretty much. Have to get past the first obnoxious chorus of the day. Ah well. Can’t all be hits. WHOA. It’s a birthday. And a recognizable riff from what feels like a 1000 movie montages. It’s not my birthday nor is it any member of the Beatles (I checked). This was mid. Now lonely and wanting to die?? That’s a sentiment people can get behind. This rules. More excellent blues with heavy guitar and PROMINENT bass. That main riff rules. This album has so many ideas that would be done worse as time went on. Sometimes with pioneering stuff, you hear rudimentary versions of what would become better. Just the opposite here which is impressive. Saying that, this song IS fairly boring, but it predates even more boring stuff that would rip this off. That monkey seems like he’s hiding something. Namely weird screaming and a bizarre interlude. Nothing much to say about this. Apparently Hester shelter invented metal. It did not, considering the song black Dabbath was released ONE year later. But man, Led Zeppelin would like a word. Still. The song rules. It makes me mad that people who have never listened to metal have determined this to be its birth because it’s loud. Anyway, I have blisters on my fingers from writing this poorly concieved schlock about these albums. I need a diary. This album is long long long. I’m sure this could have been like three albums or maybe had a few songs cut as there are some dragging points. This is one. Slow revolution! This song is great in all forms. The peanuts style horn is a choice. This song invented doo-wop (helter skelter callback, relax). This is certainly a less wild honey pie. 20’s nostalgia?? these are Benny Goodman hours. What a strange end to this. Kind of lurching to a finish. Still fascinating, but less musical. Yeah I’m running out of inane things to say. For now. I’m sure I’ll recharge. But this one is sort of limping to the finish. Hoping for a big final two songs. Number 9. We’re taking music to strange new places pal. I’m a pretentious nerd so I like this. Sue me. Man the mushrooms did indeed hit in the last couple tracks. A psychedelic children’s hymn closer. What else? HIGHLIGHTS: Back in the USSR, The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill, While my Guitar Gently Weeps, Rocky Raccoon, Yer Blues, Helter Skelter, Revolution 1, Revolution 9

These kinds of albums can change my life or make me rue the fact that 1999 record store employees in throuples exist. This first two minutes is on the rue side but then it kicks in a little bit. Riff is good and the droning vocals work for me. Pretty cool so far. Did this have to be 6 minutes?? Each minute is another feather in your anti establishment cap. Next comes the feminist anthem. Honestly a great droning rock song. Fun and repetitive in a good way. Roll on Dandy. Minnesoter? I hardly know er. Man. That’s an original joke. Anyway. I love the sound of this thing. Vocals aren’t an extreme focus but they really work as an attitude and aren’t heavily pretentious. Concise, fun, Good. “Orange is the new Beck” is why I wanted this song to sound like Beck. But so far it sounds like Prison Tycoon menu music. Oh no. Here come the pretentious vocals. I like the laid back yet weird tone though. And prison tycoon WAS sick. You did it again you crazy teens. And you’re not Beck. Listen, it’s been five tracks, you don’t love me. You love the IDEA of me. Yeah this one sucked. Weird but not in a cool way. Heroin IS out of style. Get with the wave of the future; hospital grade fentanyl. This song appears on the top played songs on their profile, meaning it’ll probably be bad as the general music listening audience enjoys garbage. This one is not great. The radio hit. High school movie beginning song for sure. Every day should be a holiday. These weirdos are speaking my language. Did avril Lavigne rip this off for that one song? Some of the weird scrunchy synths are a poor choice. This one is more interesting than the last two, but we have strayed from the first 4 tracks. Good morning?? He he, more like BAD morning. Yeah this one not great. What happened to the cool vocals. The deep voice makes me cringe and it simply sounds worse. Without these vocals, this song is kind of nice and trance-y. Noooo don’t do a suicide ballad. What was that?? I hated that. Come on. It wasn’t as pretty as it thought it was. Orange and then Green?? What is this, preschool?? I know like at least 5 colours. You can’t fool me. But yeah this one is another lull. What was shaping up to be an interesting album has devolved into pretension and some nerd in a brimmed beanie crooning the word “sexually” too close to the mic. Get outta here. Drums? People are alive?? This has to ironic. Return to the sound I enjoyed far more. Power pop. Pretty ok. It’s not my favourite but the paddles have been applied to my chest. Kim deal must be pretty cool. I’m glad we brought the instruments back out for one final rip. I was really hoping this would be more clear in making fun of adults who believe in grown up Santa Claus and use it to shape their lives in any way, but it’s just a not great pop-rock song. Kind of like the weird wah stuff going on at times and the title is funny, but meh. PETE international airport is a funny name. Fuck you Charles De Gaulle and JFK. My buddy Pete needs a whole terminal named after him. Although, if I did have a buddy Pete and if he was worthy of being the namesake for my new international airport, I would probably do a better tribute than uninteresting ambient. The Creep Out is NINE minutes long. I wish it was creepier. But it sure is plodding! And boring! Listen, I am still building the rating scale. One or two good songs does not a three make. This puppy was in 2.5 territory and after this parade of mediocrity towards the end it’s a 2. I understand that many bands need context, but I don’t need to know that the session musician who played the digeridoo had an ironic love of doo wop singles. None of it is palpable. There is no clear attitude or statement throughout much of this. HIGHLIGHTS: Boys Better, Minnesoter, Orange.

I hate all David Bowie hits except maybe suffragette city as it’s not glitzy glam pop. I’ll never understand how we as a society take run of the mill pop and turn it into a profound artistic statement because we like the artist’s personality. However, I know he can be weird and I’m hoping this one is. 6 tracks, 38 minutes certainly tells some kind of story. This sounds like Beavis & Butthead transition music so far which is honestly far better than rebel rebel or anything of that nature. Aaaand here come the vocals. Rock opera. Ugh. There are moments where I believe this is cool. There are many others where the piano and disco kicks in. What the hell is this? Ah man. No good. Elton John piano licks without any of the fun. Is it too late to skip this? Wow guys, this disco song is slightly longer than normal AND the singer has a wacky haircut. This is equivalent to great literature. This sucks. Fuck. Riverboat music. Fat rich cottage goer tunes. I don’t think I can fairly listen to this. I just think he’s insufferable. The bad part is that there are cool ideas that I could see myself enjoying. Some of the vocal harmonies at times sound cool. Lots of sounds. There’s just a general poppiness that I can’t stand. Sounded like death grips for a second. Unfortunately it’s still me in the grip of a cruise ship based nightmare. Why is this crooning over a karaoke steely dan instrumental considered “must-hear”? Is this also Christian? Holy hell. Washed up musician having an evangelical breakdown whilst on barbiturates during a reunion show at a local casino “type beat”. Hail Satan and bring on more pedestrian tripe! Right on cue. Oh baby, the bow tie on the wedding singer is loose now. Everybody is a few loonie drinks in. Time for some more riverboat jingles. It would be fun, sort of like a massive artist, to see what I could pass off as quality based off my name alone. They have to have tried it. traaaaaaaansition. I actually don’t hate the saxophone. There’s something!!!! It’s weird and good. Stay?? Why don’t you go?? Hahahah. Man I’m good. This song has actually sent me into hysterics. These vocals can’t be real. NO. There’s no fucking way. You can’t like this. These vocals or satire. This is making fun of mid 70’s crooners right? HE CANT SING. This is one of those moments where I feel like I’m in the interstellar universe screaming at an oblivious public from behind a space/time continuum rift. This is not good and I refuse to hear arguments to the contrary. Valueless and one of the worst songs I’ve heard in many years. Thoroughly unlikeable from start to finish, this album is a mix between run of the mill and completely insufferable. Musical competency at points jumps it from zero, but the horrendous singing and pop cheese takes this thing beyond the gutter, into a vat of talentless disco-tinged slop that is gulped down by the ladle by buffoons because it has David Bowie’s face slapped on it. Worthless as a psychedelic experience, even worse as a musical one. HIGHLIGHTS: The silence following the final track.

Beatles time. Coming off a 4 into what promises to be better than the last album we were exposed to on this list. Ten seconds into the first track, if they recorded gorilla fight audio for the remainder of this bad boy, it would be better than that David Bowie thing. Odd, musical, invigorating. Good start. This song suffers from its success. Overplayed beyond belief but it’s also quite bland. I like the backup gang vocal call and response sections, but overall this one is mediocre and less exciting than some of their other work. This is psychedelic rock. While again, overplayed, I am interested in this and it holds not only my attention but excitement for what comes next. We’re the rocking horse people REALLY eating marshmallow pies??? With that bombshell aside, a slightly annoying chorus is made up for with fantastic verses and fascinating lyrics/sounds. The simplicity does not thrill the way their other albums have. The vocal melody here is nice and the Beatles songwriting is just the top tier but there’s nothing too grippy about the “traditional” parts of the album. This one repeats far too much and ironically, is getting worse as the track continues. This album feels thin somehow. I don’t know if it’s the remaster but there’s some punch missing with the production. This one is fairly listless. Guitar tone is kind of cool and the organ backing is interesting again, but there is nothing to really write home about in this one. Maybe I’d write home to confess my drug habit and my consortium with scouse hippies, but other than that, this song remains a DEEP track. Harps and violins are a little dramatic. This feels like a fantasia soundtrack backing a blow by blow recounting of a breakup. Hey, I’d leave too if my weird friend’s band started describing me putting on a shirt with accompanying Violas. Nah this one is not doing it for me. Worst track so far, by far. Mr. Kite has to actually be pretty happy with this one. I like this one a lot more. Bizarre and obtuse which appeals to me. Polka circus infused with psychedelics. Perfect nightmare combo. Love this. After some run of the mill tracks, this is wonderful. Sitar time. No white guy on DMT is complete without it. I guess when you cover enough American blues songs and make enough money, you become enlightened. Nirvana achieved by the Beatles, whereas I wasn’t ready for said nirvana. This one is too self-indulgent somehow. Not as good. Actually not good at all. This just keeps Going. Make it stop. When I’m 64 is nice. It’s happy and nice. I don’t know how this fits in though. It seems like an anomaly and 1967’s answer to Pixar music. It’s so out of place and simple that while it is a delightful little romp, it’s kind of silly. Alright. I prognosticated kazoos and they have arrived. This is not my kind of thing. It’s fine. That’s the crux of all of this. It’s got some fascinating ideas and then a deluge of stuff that doesn’t work for me. The end was super cool though. Loved that combination of sounds. There are sections of this album that I LOVE. There will be passages here and there that are so fresh and exciting despite being almost 60 years old. Good morning indeed. Bring on the animal sound effects baby. Maybe we will get that extended gorilla fight. A reprise??? Not in my review. Although a reprise of what was arguably the best song isn’t too shabby. Fine. Good song. So many changes within and a bunch of ambient noise to go along with it. The beautiful vocal melody on the refrain is haunting. I like this one. This album is cool. Slightly cringe in the way that it’s very much “white 20 something discovers mushrooms and makes it his personality” but there are so many cool ideas that would be built upon and improved with the white album. 3-3.5 easily. HIGHLIGHTS: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!, A Day in the Life

Drug free Beatles??? I hate the chorus of this song so dearly. Starting off weak, but the verses are alright. Interesting to get so many eras of the Beatles. Let’s see how this progresses Hmm maybe there is some mild drug shenanigans afoot. Sitars??? This song is far nicer and has a lovely sound/melody. I’m noticing it hard to write about the Beatles two days in a row. Meh. This song was fine. It’s interesting to see that the songwriting has progressed far beyond this in the subsequent albums. This song is schmaltzy and mid. Oooh la la las unnecessary and hackneyed even for the time. Nowhere man is a hit that somehow appeals. The listless (in a cool way) vocal line is great, but NO. Not back to the doo woo backup vocals. There is a pedestrian-ness to this album. No abbey road pun intended. The songs chug along and hit the ear as fine. They’re serviceable if not a little boring. Hard listen after more experimental work from the same artist. What can I say??? Man, it’s fine. Nothing on the comical edge. Kinda funky and fun but ultimately forgettable and basic. Nothing particularly groundbreaking. I seem to prefer the slower moments here as they are more interesting but again this kind of falls from an eerie piano sequence into fairly basic song tropes. Lyrics are bunk. He loves you. And I’m here also listening to this for some reason👍🏻. Hopefully the emoji doesn’t crash the site. Bluegrass???? Country??? Man. Influences on the sleeve. Not the best country I’ve heard but the lyrics and tone is better. This song was whiny and infuriating. Big pass. Looking through you is SICK. The bursts of energy with the distorted guitar. The lyrics are interesting, the vocal hook is sweet and not annoying. This is probably the best song so far. In my life eh? Another huge hit that I’ve heard a million times. If “cottagecore” hadn’t already been a term, this song feels like sonf blaring out to inebriated cottagers near the end of a sun baked day. Harpsichord solo DOES go hard. But overall, meh. Wait is pretty nice. I don’t know if they’re getting more interesting or I’m just getting worn down. Seemingly better songwriters as it gets near the end. And back to basics. Not in a great way. I’ll tell ya, if I needed someone, I’d call the beach boys. I kid. This is fine. Murdering little girl anthem to end it off. Although it sounds like he is in some sort of relationship with said little girl. Cringe lyrics aside, the guitar is nice, the vocal line is cool as all hell. This is a nice end for the most part. The “little girl” stuff is a sign of the times and overall painful to hear. Experimentation lacking here in general but that’s to be expected. Still some nice pop/rock songs on here. Decent album and experience. HOGHLIGHTS: Norwegian Wood (This Bird has Flown), Nowhere Man, I’m Looking Through You.

Album title - SICK. I’ve never heard of this at all. I’ve probably heard this song but maybe not. I’m troubled that I haven’t really discovered much music through this, so I’m excited by the prospect of some Norwegian weirdo. The song is a little obnoxious. Kind of in a good way. Although I am NOT an accordion man. Ugh the groove is kind of infectious. Trippy alien jazz outro is a winner. The vocal range is good but the songs are basic so far. This was fine. Not much to say. Hmmm. Lil organ stabs with some white guy blues. I’ll let you in on a secret, it’s early in the morning when I’m listening to this. How crazy is that????? This song is fun. The crazy vocal inflections and whatnot. This guy is weird. I like it. I have watched a movie. Next. Ohhh a moonbeam. No. I cannot see the spectrum of light individually. Come on Harold. This one is a little boring and kind of stagnates. Now THIS is white guy blues. The other blues song was nice. This is Hard Rock Cafe bald, beet red, beer swilling dad blues. He still has a cool voice. Or is it insufferable here? Not a shining moment. Especially with this extended big band outro. Next. Lyrics and composition by Peter Ham. Rhyming tomorrow with sorrow??? This guy is cooking hardcore. Listen. This is his most played song, meaning it’s probably bad. It’s fine. It’s a ballad. It could be prettier. Very run of the mill to me. Oh man. What are we doin here. It was a different time. I guess. Is this the verbal blackface interlude?? Yeah, this is too silly to be good and not silly enough to be intentionally funny. I hate that I don’t mind this one. I’m usually an advocate of bad times and certainly if it were good times, rolling would not be encouraged. Some of the dumb pop tropes are still here and the lyrics are dumb as sand, but hey this one is serviceable. Jump in(to) the fire?? Metallica? Is that you? It is not. But it at least has some drive. I think I like the songs he writes for himself far better. He leans into repetition a lot and the lyrics are nothing to write home about, but lyrics shmyrics right? There are parts that sound like U2 which make me shudder at the tolling of that bell. What hell awaits. Anyway. The bass interlude is the best thing to happen all day. Is this Clair de Lune played by an elementary schooler?? Another ballad. Why does he get so operatic? Weird music is winning the day on this one. His lyrics really aren’t good though are they. Again though, the odd music. This was an interesting album. Held my listening and wasn’t bad at all. Nothing earth shattering here, but some nice moments. 2.5-3 HIGHLIGHTS: Gotta Get Up, Early in the Morning, Jump into the Fire

Oh sweet Jesus. This looks like the earliest of 2000s and the heaviest sap. I’m worried about this one if I was to judge an album by its cover and press photos. A full hour as well. Yikes. Well I like the first song so this has potential, although the brief shimmer of vocals concerned me. It’s fine and we’ve returned to spacey, understated yet thick with atmosphere musicianship. Hell yeah brother. And here come the vocals. They should’ve stayed away. The first vocalist is repugnant, the second is good. Riverboat piano is always a downgrade to any instrumental section. You know this isn’t half bad as things go. Apparently I misheard this as a tv drama theme song. The samples are so good. I don’t love the main riff, but the trippy vocals and background instrumentation creates a lush atmosphere. This thing is interesting and this song was cool. The chords and sounds are so odd and fantastic on this thing. Even the singing works as it forms part of the atmosphere. What initially sounds like a bad Oasis cover forms what is a hypnotic and dense environment that is appealing and does not lose that appeal. I wouldn’t say these are the best songs I’ve heard or anything, but there’s something cool here. Another similar vibe. I can see this getting slightly repetitive, although the musical variety creates enough diversion from the similar ideas in song structure. Extended solo, back into jangly, reverb guitar. Lost souls is a different type of song. Far more vocal focused to begin. Then it’s buried in a swell of sound. Only to return to the sort of basic section. Into trippy circus music. So many 60’s psych influences here. Not my favourite track, but still gripping. This album is so layered. Wearing the 60e influences in their sleeves here but with a modern instrumentation and production. Foo fighters interlude. Don’t do this to me. Christmas Foo Fighters to boot. What is happening?? “Hey guys, we have an album full of dense instrumentation and introspective alt-rock, but have you heard about this song called Learn to fly??? Let’s do a bar rock cover of that.” I hope someone was fired for this blunder. Pass. NOOOOOOOO. What have you done. Doves. I was with you. I was on board. Why turn the focus from some of the most interesting pop/rock music I’ve heard so far to 2002 wedding music. Fucking Daughtry vocal line. A couple whirring, spaghetti western oddities near the end, but man that vocal line but the overly “epic” musicianship and the dreadful singing make this another trawl through the depths of garbage. Creepy train conductor intro is a VERY welcome change from WWE Soundtracks (as rad as they may be) but as the cool instrumentation returns so do the prominent vocals. Better vocal melody however. This one is ok. Throwaway instrumental interlude for the most part. Overstaying its welcome a little bit. 40 minutes is the best album duration. Sue me. One more. Man who told these guys the vocals were the way to go. They’re ok, but the instruments, the soundscapes are just too good. This could’ve been an instrumental album. A tale of two albums. An album divided. The instrumentation and production of the first half of this was so fantastic that all vocals became an instrument of their own. As the vocals became more prominent further along the track list, they became a distraction and in a few cases completely overshadowed instrumentation. An interesting experiencea and an excellent album let down by periods of mediocrity that became more frequent as the album continued. 3 HIGHLIGHTS: Firesuite, Sea Song, Rise

Has writing about these albums become an exercise to ward off the onset of dementia? Probably. Anyway, here’s 90 minutes of your barista’s favourite singer. I expected crooning of the bat. I instead got rock. It’s fine. Kind of Vegas-y which I’m sure is ironic, but it sucks. Don’t say defrock. I am NOT in the mood for this. This song fucking sucks. This one is better. Slightly more interest building with this kind of vibe. Psychobilly feeling. I like it. This song ALSO sucks. Santana backing up Fat Elvis. Why is this the most interesting music ever written to some people? Boring. What can I say about this. It doesn’t really elicit conversation. It’s just simple rock with a glittery, yet somehow painfully dull sheen. Glen Danzig type beat. This really is fat Elvis if he was trying to hit on a Zooey Deschanel character in an early 2000s romantic comedy set in New York. It’s better when the Vegas rock fades away but here’s the deal. I have decided that Nick Cave sucks as a vocalist. That’s going to be an obstacle here. The lyrics aren’t even cool. I thought that’s what I would be the one saving grace. It is not. Let the bells ring has started promisingly. He does less of the throaty warble. And back into big airy Elvis rock. It’s dead. This thing sucks too. There really are interesting alt-rock outfits out there. This isn’t one of them. Skinny rat faced guy = interesting. Ok. Actually weird start. I like the first couple seconds. WHY. No Vegas flourishes, please. Ah you know, the verses are so interesting here, this one gets a pass. I actually like this song. Part 2. Oh god am I starting to enjoy this?? Am I the barista? I like this song so far again. If Nick isn’t singing that much, there are good ideas there. Storytelling quality to the last two songs. Could do without saying “mama” ever, but hey it’s not that bad. It’s getting worse. This really doesn’t need to be 4 minutes let alone 6. Ruined by the end. Thanks Nick. Oh my god something that isn’t annoying and grandiose?? And then he sings. Honestly, run a blender instead. Worked for Lou Reed. Man this puppy morphed into a Margaritaville for fans of Scott pilgrim really quick. Big thumbs down. Nah. Ante (deeeeep sigh). This is disgusting. Ah well. Obviously I’m a shitty writer, so I can’t criticize, but I will anyway. The lyrics are lame and at times highly cringeworthy and the music sounds like what you may hear in the waiting room at a tanning salon. There’s something so unlikeable about this. I almost wish I could hear it rearranged by a different artist. There’s almost something good happening at times. But the singing and the flourishes are too much. The lyrics are also revolting just stop talking about anything you do physically/carnally. I’m going to be ill. Also, every song could cut two refrains off. Easy money. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’m about to tap out. Lumineers with a drunk Elvis impersonator at the wheel. Three left. He can’t sing he can’t sing he can’t sing he can’t sing he can’t sing he can’t sing he can’t sing he can’t sing he can’t sing he can’t sing he can’t sing he can’t sing he can’t sing. He thinks he can though, and has therefore made a living. Isn't the free market the best? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 6 minutes to go baby. Happiest I’ve been today. It’s started off predictably horrible. DoOoOoOne, RuUuUuN. STOP. I’m obviously a big dweeb who likes discovering music myself and maybe this list wasn’t the best way to go about things. I’ll persevere because it’s important to hear what people think is good. That way I can roll around in my straitjacket and cackle as I wrestle with the realization that I’m an alien. 2 good songs and 15 self-indulgent, empty, unappealing and bombastic (for no reason) journeys through the mind of a man too boring to be fully weird. 1-1.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Hiding All Away, Fable of the Brown Ape

I had no idea this one would show its weird guitar spaceship face on this list. Hits galore. Starting off with potentially the biggest. After boring crooners from the mid 2000s, someone who can sing is a nice change. The build to the chorus on this one rules so hard. It’s a song that’s blared in a million construction sites for 50 years, but on its own, it’s still pretty good. If it wasn’t heavily overplayed, man. This thing is sweet. Man. I forgot about this song. A little bubblegum for me but the sounds are so good. Vocals especially And that chorus ain’t half bad. I hate Nick Cave. Sorry, tick I’ve developed going through this list. Hearing a fucking guitar solo and a competent vocalist is revolutionary at this point. Good lord the opening. I am ascending to a higher plane of being, known as Boston. The organ and bass rips. The strummed chorus is SICK. I love this song. Could it be because I ripped it up in Rockband in 2007??? Possibly. That god damn solo. Sweet Jesus. Listen. I like lame incel music. But this thing just rips. Peace of mind with kids music movie lyrics. I don’t want to completely devastate this one, because the guitar tone is so good. A let down after the previous one. Holy hell we’re back boys. Organ✅ Sick Riff ✅ fucking balls ✅. TRANSYLVANIA MIXED WITH SOUL REVIVAL. God dammit this rules. I just grew a moustache. Three songs left to somehow derail this. This one is kind of a lower energy. The organ player is going off again though. Guitar Solos beginning with gong strikes. Why is this album so cool? A middling track punctuated with incredible solos. Oh boy. I’m prepared for the ballads. These song titles indicate some balladry for some mulleted man crying in a Camaro. God the vocal melodies are good. No ballads. I mean this is close, but again, the vocals are great, the instrumentation is lush and full. Stalker lyrics. Hey, it was the 70’s!! Nah this is a typical closer in that it seems to run out of ideas slightly, but after 30 odd minutes of excellent rock, I can forgive the spiritual revival finish. A great vocalist can carry a mediocre band and a mediocre vocalist can hamper a great band. Everybody sounds great here and this thing rules from the first note and settles into a decent finish. Some major highlights in there, but overall this thing is fun, energetic and fantastic. Roll on Massachusetts. 3.5-4 HIGHLIGHTS: More than a Feeling, Peace of Mind, Foreplay/Long Time, Smokin’

Well I had to trudge to YouTube to listen to this so my vaunted track by track reviews will be forgone in favour of a slapdash review of what was an interesting, albeit sloppy, foray into proto-punk. Some of the early songs on here were great. Shut up and I hate you are not only great things to say, but made for excellent, angsty punk. The lead singer’s penchant for sounding like the Black Midi guy (50 years prior) and also being named Gary Burger or some shit, wore thin after awhile. At the start it was exhilarating but it ran out of steam. The anger and energy didn’t last and neither did my interest. For the pioneering nature and the initial buzz, this thing is impressive. What it lacks in polish is part of its charm. HIGHLIGHTS: Shut up, Higgle-Dy Piggle-Dy, I Hate You, Complication

More music I’ve never heard of. Like the cover, hate the glam rock tag. Let’s see how this pans out. I know this is a genre that’s very popular, but I don’t even know the name. Is it early goth rock? Whatever. This song has a cool creepy organ. So that’s cool. The vocals are alright. Punk-y. This is too long and just sort of there. It’s fine. It sounds like novelty halloween music that horrible millennials like. Which is close enough to me to say again that it is indeed, fine. Ooh. Weird intro is good. Driving bass. Good. Ugh. This genre of vocals. Not my thing. I don’t hate this song but the repetition is grating. I find myself annoyed randomly and then realizing the riff has been repeating for minutes. I like the bizarre pulsing mechanical outro. Nicer riff. Let’s see if this repeats for the whole song. Ooh this one is more punk. Less forced deepening of the voice. I like this one. High energy, fun, angry. Hell yeah. DEEEEEEEP is so cringe. Fuck it’s dumb. This song is fine though. All things considered. They’re different. Lyrics are trash, but different is good. The bass tone is so cool on this. Type o negative probably owes a bunch to this. This thing really is hanging around. God it’s hard to talk about. It’s just ok. This track has a fun groove. The lyrics are spellbindingly lame. When you have no ideas for lyrics (or you do and they should’ve stayed confined to the pages of a tattered notebook), why is the music so repetitive. This verges on slam poetry because the music (while good here) is a backdrop. Video game Halloween music. For 1976, this does sound very futuristic. This whole album does. I hate the repetition, but there is a quality about this album that draws me to it. Nothing really to say about ugly. More repetitive proto-goth(??). Organs all over this bad boy. And not in the lyrics!! (pitchfork plz hire me). Yeah it’s fine again. Music is pretty cool. Although there’s just a sense that this thing is just a middling album all the way through. I assume one band member is writing this type of song all the way through. It’s so lame. Come on potentially underage girl, it’s the 70’s. Like why the infantilizing? It sucks. This song is bad. Go buddy go. Taste of psychobilly here. More of a taste of basic instrumentation and lame vocals. This SUCKS. It’s hard to pick out what I like about this album. I think it was an overall decent listen and I was even compelled at point, yet I find myself in the 2 star territory. There was too much cringe and not enough that stuck out as impactful. It’s hard to even muster a highlight list. There really is only one. HIGHLIGHTS: London Lady 2-2.5

This has the potential to be all positivity rap. What’s the over under on “come together as one” being said? I’m taking the over. Early to Mid-2000s rap has a special place in hell regardless, but like anything. We will give this a chance. Jazz tribute to start. Probably an instrumental. I wish we were listening to jazz. Nah this is so lame. Stop. It’s like accidentally discovering your younger teacher is an amateur rapper on the side. This thing blows. We’ve even lost the musicality. Oh it’s returned slightly. And fade. 77 minutes of this, eh? Let’s hope “heat” actually brings something resembling that. I assumed that this album would be heavy lyrically. There would be plenty of time where the lyrics carried everything. The lyrics are fine. Honestly, they’re on the bad side of fine. It’s not that good. He has very little authority in his voice. The flow is middling to bad. This is lukewarm at best, pal. Next. Thi- Thi- This is RAHZEL. SSX TRICKY reference in my own mind is distracting me from the 2004 snap beat. Mixed with Common attempting to sound intimidating, this is another journey through substitute teacher rap. It’s just so cringeworthy to me. “Cold blooded, *ah huh* hardcore” Dad, stop, you’re embarrassing me. Also, I don’t know where rahzel even is. I just want to hear him ask me to do an uber trick one last time. Ok, a better flow. Some level of aggression to the beat. Chorus? Disgusting. Hahahahaha homophobic slur. Sign of the times I guess. Ugh. I hate that this is the best song so far. Oh here we go. This one is about to close the gap between men of all creeds. Oh no it’s a love song. Duuuude. You can’t be like “I won’t call you a bitch” when you did two song ago and also mentioned a “circle of f**ots” like 60 bars ago. Get outta here. The beat is ok here. I think common is so lame and that hasn’t changed here. Holy hell this is so ham-fisted. “Hey girl, sex is cool but you know what, you’re my equal.” Bro. This isn’t a revolutionary thought. Whoa guys. He treats women like humans. Quick. Somebody get this asshat a medal and a girlfriend STAT. You’re not Mos def. This is so 2000s. Stop saying “ah”. It sucks. Funkaaay. Yeah this would fit in real well at like a white millennial woman’s 40th birthday. The rhyme scheme is just meh. I really wanted cool lyrics from this because I thought that’s all we could get. They’re just ok. One or two decent lines on this one. Beat is ok but too much dumb shit surrounding it. I kind of like the r & b break near the end. That’s not bad. Not rap, but that’s probably a good thing. We’re getting an actual Mos Def feature. Mos Def and Mos Def - sugar Free are on the track. Let’s see. When Mos Def isn’t rapping, people should be asking “where’s Mos Def.” I am asking. The chorus actually has some energy so that’s a nice change. Oh boy, talking about being a “sexual intellectual” with a girl who says “I look 20 but I’m 15.” Fuck you. Mos def is better in every way. Even with a dumb verse about saying never and Jerry Seinfeld observations about ID. Reprise. Chance to reflect on how unlikeable this album is. It’s like hold music while you await some horror when the phone is answered. I know writing rap isn’t easy, but these rhymes are always so predictable. Pastor rap. Listen. The lyrics are annoying. Full stop. I wish it was cooler. I’m not trying to hate this, but he’s just not the best writer and his delivery is just so weak. Dude, common included an actress pretending to ask for his autograph. First time for everything. Hold on. Bad lyrics, but this beat is better. MC Lyte is so refreshing here. God. So much more ferocity and intention. This one is good. Cool instruments. Common should just back out like that scene in 8 Mile. Too long and too much common, but hey. Best one so far. And we return to the cold, empty abyss of Common raps. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Wake me up if MC Lyte comes back. Homophobic bars woke me up. What a loser. This one is ok. It’s fine. Man this is all so mediocre. Is this a song about crazy grandmothers? Or a PSA about not robbing grandmothers? Jesus. The beat is good. This one is somehow decent. Ugh. I guess I like the joke songs. Noooooo. A really cool intro ruined by more of the same, pandering, oddly sexual, lame poetry. This is one of the worst so far. Oh common, I can sympathize with dealing with “crap rappers.” Maybe he said crab. Ignore the facts for my bad joke. Please . Man. This song is pretty good. The laid back actually works here and I feel like this beat matches common rather than having him strain to be tough and cool. He usually sounds like a mouse trying to scream over a beat, but this one fits him perfectly. Yeah this one is excellent. Fantastic lyrics, great energy. Gets a touch melodramatic at the end but hey, Best performance from common by a god damn planetary span. Common’s dad appears. Why? End on the good song. I want a Time Machine to request this be omitted. This is dumb. 2.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Dooinit, A Film called (PIMP), Payback is a Grandmother, A Song for Assata.

Not again. I regret every day not giving the other REM album a 1. I think about it. If it wasn’t for man on the moon, that puppy was dead. Now. This one is earlier and may have some vitality that wasn’t wrung out by corporate rock radio. Not holding out hope. Well maybe a little. Is that… life??? Is that an alive Michael Stipe not buried in an inky, glimmering shit pile? This song is nice. It’s not great, but it’s something and that really is something compared to the 1992 one. Get up is whatever. It kind of floats by. This is too ballad-y. Gets a little medieval. The theme song to the greatest anti-sitcom ever produced. Simple and decent but it’s forever associated with Get a Life. Which is the best. Man the pseudo country stuff sucks for this. But the vocal melody is excellent in places and the piano is nice. Nah man. Don’t say happy game to play. This sucks. Kingdom Come Deliverance background music with one of the players of the game singing. No man. Stop. This is fucking embarrassing. Uwu I’m just a wittle boy, I have no fwiends. This is the worst. Lowlight alert. I hate that I like the vocal thing at the end, but otherwise this was an immolated garbage barge. Product placement time. I always liked this song when I was younger. It’s fine. This sounds like Bon Jovi and u2 doing a medley track. How does that sound to you? Imagine it. I think it sounds like a benefit concert for Wall Street bankers who had to pay taxes this year. Hard pass. Guys. Come on here. STOP. What was this song????? I wish I could forget California. Although I really like the sombre riff here. This is pre-Nirvana. Very good riff but insufferable whining vocally. Ok. This song sucks. This bad boy is coming into the station. A once proud locomotive has lost all steam, spray painted with tags from disappointed locals from the towns it trudged through. Where I could’ve seen myself giving this album a higher score earlier. It just ensured that I hated it. It tried to get me to hate it. It succeeded. Minimal highlights. Overrated junk. 1-1.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Stand, I Remember California

Quiet whiny pop rock, to what will presumably be a lot more up front. Let’s give these hippies a whirl. Good first song. Exciting, foreboding in a weird way. Probably the organ. Anyway, it went too long, but it was cool. This one is more lame. More bar rock and too much warbling. Man that riff is so friendly. It’s funny. Get outta here with this one. Ohhh yeah. This is cool. More growly, blues influenced. Hell yeah. Simple riff. Whoever wrote the last one is out. Maybe. I don’t research these albums for these word vomit reviews. I mean it repeats too much, but the wailing guitar solos and vocal changes keep this one fairly interesting. Good. Another blues song with vocal modulation to sound like a fuckin harmonica?? Gold. The title track??!? In this part of the album, in this part of the review localized entirely within this text box?? Yes. Anyway. It’s fine. Not as good for me. The blues was a better direction for this album. Pray 4 Mo Jo. L’America is translated to “The America.” That one was free. Oh god that intro is cool. Eerie. Hell yeah. Out front angry hippies are so much cooler than secretly angry and hateful peace and love hippies. Oh man. Nooooooo. Why did it change?? Keep the sinister early black sabbath shit. Ok it’s back. Transylvanian keyboard solo. Then it leaves for a literal public domain riff. I still think this thing is so cool. Definite highlight. Well. What are they doing in the Hyacinth house? Whatever it is, it may have something to do with sleeping pills. Is that too soon? Whatever. This is middling to suck. Ehhh are we screeching to a halt here? Or just lurching to a chug? This one is not great either. It just sort of faded in. It’s sloppy , listless, white guy blues. Alright. This is weird, which I like, but the music sucks. The lamest ideas from like 50s torch music end up on the chorus. I like when it is more driving but there’s not enough of it. Too many breaks for relatively uninspiring solos. And the big hit from this one. I think. I don’t know. I’ve heard it before. This is the Doors that I picture. Kind of lame. But then again, popular music is often big time lame. Yeah this thing is meh. I like the whispering backup vocals a little bit, but that’s where it ends. Some real big wins here. Some songs that I will never revisit. That levels out to a solid, serviceable and relatively enjoyable release. 3 HIGHLIGHTS: The Changeling, Been Down so Long, Cars Hiss by my Window, L’America

The debut. No overplayed CSI songs leading off. At least I don’t think. Was “Out in the Street” the opener for CSI: Des Moines? I mean this thing is ok. I like the loose garage rock, drums and echoed jangle guitars, but overall this puppy starts out fine. I accidentally had D.R.I in my queue. That was a change of pace. Not what I expected from the Who. I suppose the UK was obsessed with American soul and blues. This type of smoky bar, rich guy blues is not for me. This is cooler. Lyrics are mid. Man I expected to like this way more. It just sort of drones on. It sounds like a lame indie band from 2003 despite being almost 40 years old at that time. I suppose that’s ahead of its time isn’t it. Nahhh what is this? It’s so bubblegum. We’re going to prove you wrong!! Male cheerleader in an anime type of song. Is that a trope? I’ve seen almost zero anime. Anyway. Maybe I’ll start, so I can turn this song off. How did this get a record deal?? This is at least a little punk in some of the vocals but Jesus Christ. This is so sappy. I guess that’s what sells. And listen, I don’t sit here on first listen and decipher poetry, but these lyrics are bunk. Just predictable and bordering on satirical. And then my generation. This song rules. I don’t care that it’s over played. How does this fit in with the saccharine doo wop songs from the rest of this. I assume we’ll settle right into some more Perry Como/Pat Boone style bangers after this rad bass solo. Yeah we’re back. Hey at least the guys hitting on my girlfriend are my pals. I feel like this is also a big song for them. The madman on drums feels restrained for most of this. Nice fill section just to prove me wrong. This song is ok in places. I think I hate piano in blues. That’s what it is. It reminds me of white blues. This one is ok, but it’s so dated. Even for the time. What is that vocal line. Had to laugh. Yeah this one is meh. The Beatles? Oh no, it’s a hootenanny. Actually this one rules. The Beatles comparison is a good thing. The lyrics still have moments of weird over explanation that is just bizarre, but the tune is fun and the concept is better. The vocals sound rebellious, the guitar is cool. Buddy isn’t a dad murderer NOR is he part Chinese. Come on guys. Leave him alone. Blues cover//interpolation? Mannish boy performed at a junior high talent show. I kid. It’s not that bad. It’s also not that great. It’s middling. It’s a legal matter. I mean it’s a song about getting married. I’m surprised how decent it is. I think it’s more “modern”. Although, I could lose most if not all of the piano from this fuckin thing. Good god. Still, it was buried enough. Good song. Just a bunch of stuff goin on. Cool. Pass the “Ox”. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaahahhaahahahahhahaaha. This is pretty cool. A bewildering album. I had (as always) lots of expectations on how this thing would sound and this sounded like none of them. A few good songs and a few songs that sound like they were written by teenagers (they were). A side note: “I Can’t Explain” is a single from the same time that is so good. Why isn’t that one on the album?? Anyway. This is middle of the road/slightly annoying album. Here’s my non-traditional .5 rating that gets rounded down. 2.5 HIGHLIGHTS: My Generation, It’s not True, A Legal Matter, The Ox.

Oh sweet Jesus. What is this going to be? I’ve never even heard of this band. Ah man the intro is rich. I didn’t expect vocals after the intro. Thought it might be instrumental. Old style torch singing. I do love the music. That modulated guitar/keyboard/keypad is pretty sick. The whistling and harpsichord is great. The vocals are ok, but the music shines here. Cool start. We’re sticking with this harpsichord hey? Fuck yeah. I mean the vocals are also continuing. Again, the layers of instrumentation are so cool, but I’m not sure how exciting the vocals are and how bad this will wear out its welcome over 40 minutes. So far, so good, but I can see tiring of the sultry whisper murmurs. Nah. First misstep to start. Is this a bond song? It’s catchy. The glitchy tech stabs accompanying salsa music tell me we’re not in the 60s anymore. Oh and anything remotely salsa-y is a sure fire skip. Of course I don’t skip anything here, but it was a skip in spirit. And we’re back to the low singing. It’s like a futuristic cabaret bar where you request personalized songs from an AI generated torch singer. The music is less interesting here. That really was a nothing song. Felt soulless. GET OUT OF MY EAR. Thank you. They backed up slightly. THEYRE BACK AHHHHHHHHHH. PLEASE GOLDFRAPP, NOOOOO. Why have we veered away from the music to focus on singing exclusively???? This sucked. Alright. Now we’re getting into silly yodelling. Like I get it. You think you sound good. Please be accompanied by good music. This one is a slight return to form. High pitched, whining instrumentation is cool but disappears/fades into boredom far too quickly. Papers please theme music. Not complaining. Also a vanishing of vocals for the beginning stages was a beautiful oasis. Buddy my “Oompa radar” is off the charts. Can’t sneak one of those fuckers past me. Anyway. This has devolved into more vocal exercises from our favourite AI cabaret singer. Nope. This sucks. I wondered aloud (in this very text box) whether or not this would get tired. It has. I have. This thing is dragging and has become a self-indulgent mess. The novelty wore off after two tracks. I’m reading about the band because I’m bored. It’s the singers name??? No way. She obviously believes she’s the second coming of Billie holiday. Another boring track. I was thinking “this next song sounds cool!” and it turned out that Spotify autoplayed a different artist. Yeah, I found this didn’t go anywhere. It’s dripping with this sense that the creators believe it’s the greatest thing ever. What started out as interesting sort of stayed with the same ideas for the entire duration of the album that got old and were never expanded on. 1.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Lovely Head

Love AND hate?? Jeez I like hate music but I don’t know about love. Let’s see what ol Lenny gives us here. Ah I feel like if this album is good, songwriting will be the reason as the vocals are what I can only assume are an acquired taste. This is cool. Feels tense and on edge and the lyrics are interesting and dark. Good stuff. More of a poetry experience with accompanying guitar which works for me. That man is SO last year. If you have read any of my reviews you will know that I am, in fact, an idiot, so as I grapple with the complexity of certain pro wrestling storylines, I am really scratching my head at what the crayon and harp mean with regard to last years man. Then Joan of Arc shows up. I didn’t like the feel of the poetry as much here and the music was far more boring. Less impressive. Wait, is last years man a writer of former renown with writers block??? Damn Lenny is dead. I’ll tweet his estate. Is this back to the hate portion? Sombre Canadian Bob Dylan. Not a bad combination of things to be. I like the poetic portions with the aggressive acoustic. Whoa. This one is up. I like it. The aggressive vocals in 1971 is pretty ahead of its time. I still have no idea what the point is that he’s driving at (if there is one), but the lines are great. Thought provoking at the very least and probably filled with rich meaning that I’m just not grasping on first listen. Alright. Back to calm. This one is pretty boring. I’ve found it fading into the background. And then the vocal melody/rhyme scheme is actually really annoying pAIN, agAIN, nAME, mAIN. lAME. Ah man this one is nice. Beautiful. The singing works, the lyrics are interesting and sad, the songwriting is excellent. Big highlight. This is the kind of song I would’ve never found without the list. Is that greatest genre of songs the ones that make references/great appeals to “the boys”? Whether the boys are back in town or providing the beat that frees one’s soul, it’s usually a winner. So they’re singing another song now. I mean this one is fine. Buddy loves Joan of Arc eh? We all love 14 year old war generals who claim to be vehicles of god. I am so averse to la la las. They are almost never good. Especially when it’s not a chorus. He’s so loud in the mix and let’s be honest, he’s not a technical vocalist. That works most of the time but Jesus not with loud la la las. Not a huge fan of this one as the verses are great, but the chorus is painful. This album was gentle yet rough. A poetic trip through melancholic expression accompanied by music varying from run of the mill to fascinating. This scratched some pseudo-intellectual itch for me and felt like an enriching experience. Not every song was a hit (I mean that would be a 5) and some songs were even a little obnoxious, but the highlights are strong enough to create an album that grabbed and held my interest throughout. 3.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Avalanche, Diamonds in the Mine, Famous Blue Raincoat

Like many rap albums, will this be sex noises interrupted by brief periods of music? Early signs point to yes. Yeah we start with an intro. This is nothing. Ooh it was actually an intro to the intro. Ugh this one is actually sick. Lady of Rage rules. Pretty fun, nothing overly offensive or annoying as of yet. Well except for this weird outro to the intro. Now one of the biggest rap songs of all time. Didn’t know the opening all these years was a urination sound effect. I could’ve gone without that. I mean I’ve heard this song like 50 million times, so it’s hard to imagine it fresh. I like to think one of the dogs was on the theramin. Snoop loves: Alcohol, Juice, thinking about his money. Snoop does NOT love: hoes. Simpler times. More weird intros followed by a beat that can only be described as funky as hell. It’s actually nice and foreboding before returning to simple funk. It’s really not saying anything like at all. It’s all flow. Which is kind of fun, but yeah, lyrically this would’ve been cool to me just for the shock factor at the age of MAYBE 12. That’s pushing it. Another horrible intro. Man they’re just so cringeworthy. Again, a cool beat rapped over weirdly. I didn’t expect to think so little of his lyrics but here we are. They’re terrible. The flow is still great. It’s actually very much a throwback to Slick Rick. Wait. It is a slick Rick cover. What is this album? Let’s get more intros. At least it didn’t mention testicles. At least I don’t think. I might be immune to mentions at this point. This one is creepier and tougher but it’s still very simple. This album is so convoluted and complex, but when a song emerges it’s very paint by numbers. Ah the lauded “posse track.” This is cool. This is kind of rap I like. Aggressive, violent. It feels urgent and like there is actually some emotion other than horny. Snoop is a laid back rapper but I always found that sounded cool on this kind of song. The gruff “SUICIDE ISSA SUICIDE” refrain can go away, but hey. Back to the funky, happy stuff. Dr. Dre is, uh, back? Was he here already? Not much to say here, it’s fun. A little pedestrian. Appeals to chronic fans. You know, the album. Then it starts to go off the rails with vocal runs. Kurupt (autocorrected to Kurt) doesn’t care! Writing lyrics, Recording in an expensive studio, producing/mastering/mixing and putting a song about how you “don’t give a shit” on your debut album is only funny for non-idiots. This song is kinda forgettable. Rugged like BF Goodrich. Supposedly. Waste of Lady of Rage👎🏻 Pass. Oh good, we’re back for the jack off hour. Good to see Warren G pop in for this lyrically garbage song! That’s right ladies, your only value is sex. He’s never met a girl that he loves??? Queer icon. I love that for him. Listen. These lyrics just suck. It’s weird that this is what nerds online pine for as they condemn progression. Buy a doll dipshit. Big time lame. Lowlight. The beat again is good, but the lyrics are boring/annoying. The beat is even annoying me now. Is this going to be 2?? Am I too critical? Do I like music? Who knows. This track is devoid of ideas. Ok. Well. This beat is good. The guitar/bass and even the weird nursery bells. I like it so far. You know what, the intro was even kind of fun. Snoop sounds energetic. There are no weird friends around embellishing and glorifying exploiting women. Mr. Malik provides some of the aggression that is missing from snoop himself. This song was a good closer. Party rap is shite. This album excels in this zone. When I listen to music, I have to sometimes compartmentalize the time and contexts from which things were released. I mean I can even listen to bad people and separate the art from the artist. Some of the lyrics here were too much for me. At those points this was not a pleasant listen. However, the beat selections and flows were simple but good overall and I found myself enjoying it much of the time. The interludes and intros were over the top and often unnecessary, and despite its many flaws I think “Doggystyle” just squeaks into the 3 territory due to its bursts of aggression, interesting features and overall catchiness. 2.5-3 HIGHLIGHTS: G-Funk Intro, Serial Killa, Gz and Hustlas, Pump Pump

The abridged moving day review: 1. Shit. Pop pap. 2. Funky as HELL. So sick. This is one of the better songs I’ve heard in a long time. 3. Total garbage. Why is it so long. I get it. It was sweet for a half a refrain. 4. More soulful. Better. Toe tapping. 5. Catterwalling. I kind of like the insane off key synth, but as a theme for a comedy show or ambient work or something. 6. The hit. It’s still great. I’d much rather hear him on upbeat songs. 7. This was nothing 8. Another ballad. This blows 9. Holy shit the song changed??? This is bad. Out of ideas. This is a lacklustre jam song with a tired band. 10. And to close off an album chock full of terrible ballads is, indeed, a terrible ballad. Cool outro. An album with one fantastic song that otherwise bored/irritated me. He’s almost too clean as a vocalist. It’s off putting. Cool production but overall, a snoozer.

Abridged Moving Day Review 2 1. Love the folk-y sound. Very cool. Catchy and driving 2. Ooh this is even better. Such a nice vocal tone. Weird. A little mysterious. Reminds me of Lankum. 3. Hell yeah. It’s continuing in this direction. Fantastic. This one RIPS. Good lord. 4. The difference between singing like this and something like Goldfrapp is difficult to explain but it’s vast. Both have vocals front and centre, but this doesn’t seem to insist upon itself. While this isn’t the best song here, the vocals are wonderful. 5. Conscription ballads?? This is why I’m here. Let David Bowie pretend to be interesting elsewhere. Let nick Cave audition to have Joaquin Phoenix play him in a biopic some other time. This shjt is where it’s at. 6. Medley. This is cool again. Not fantastic but good. 7. Less exciting. Not much to speak of 8. This was fun. Cool stuff. 9. It’s slowing down. Praise has been less effusive but it’s still just so nice. 10. Take two pal. This album was pretty, trippy, dark, and excellent. Very enjoyable listen. They kept auto playing and I wasn’t even desperate to pivot to noise grind. HIGHLIGHTS (big apologies to Stevie wonder for forgetting this crucial segment of these lauded reviews): Reynardine, Matty Groves, The Deserter, Crazy Man Michael 3.5-4

Time for father rock. I’m actually jacked up because this first song is one of the coolest rock songs to come out of that time. Lyrically, musically, vocally. “Goes hard” as the kids say. Friends??? Cool minor guitars. I don’t know man. How do you describe good music. I prefer describing garbage. I mean it’s going too long. It’s a good song that probably require drugs to enjoy minutes 2 through 4. Although the outro into the manic intro of the next track is cool. NICE. Some wicked blues riffing and excellent vocals as per. Good song again. It’s hard to wax poetic when I’d rather tear a strip off of something. Man this is best played blaring out of an old drunk guys expensive speakers in his 900,000 dollar house. I think. I have only imagined that scenario. Although I have heard drunk dads with whiskey enjoy the hell out of this song. Hey. I like it at work too. It gets a little wanky, but listen, if I was at a concert AND drunk. This would be a 5-bagger. As of now, it’s not. This one has a nice melody accompanied by muddy and driving guitars/drums. I like this one. Goes pretty hard. Meh. This one is pretty boring for being about the gallows. Filler track. Got to hit that 40 minutes. I guess. I know nothing about music, writing or the intersection where the two shall meet. Everybody run, Jimmy Page found bluegrass instruments. These next two songs get a combo review because they held into each other for me. Better. Still in weird Americana territory somehow, but this is cool at least. Have to remember this is almost 60 years old. Jesus. 9: this Better. Still in weird Americana territory somehow, but this is cool at least. Have to remember this is almost 60 years old. Jesus. This is OK. Honestly, not the greatest either, but remains enjoyable and at least a little hard rocking. Even though they copied Greta Van Fleet, these Lead fellows sure can play. This album is a strange one. I expected it to hit far harder. It still hit and the great songs are truly great but there was something missing that I may look for on their earlier efforts. 3 HIGHLIGHTS: Immigrant Song, Out on the Tiles,

Here’s one for all you prog nerds. Throw on a musty ”Magic: The Gathering” shirt and let’s dive into some heady, bass driven prog rock. The musicianship right off the bat in this NINE MINUTE SONG is great. The bass rules. The singing is boring and it sounds a little friendly if that’s an appropriate term. Five minute mark goes crazy. Almost metallic in its riffing. Blaring organ. This rips. The singing parts are less exciting, but that time flew by somehow. Alright. The clap. Three minutes? What a rip. I’ll barely have a time to pull a rip from my wizard bong. Nice. Pretty sweet jam song. Not sure if actually love or if I was swindled by the incredible sound effects available to 1970’s prog rock musicians. Good song. More singing. He can sing, but I just feel like the music has such an attitude that the singer can’t match. Meh this one is too low key for me. Weird sullen riff around the six minute mark that’s cool. It’s not a bad song, but it certainly has fewer exciting moments. I was waiting for the lord of the rings pan flute moment. Elven brethren unite. Or whatever. This one was MID. Oh they got me good. They completely changed speed. It’s still whatever but whoa. I’ve been Yessed™️. This is all very interesting but it’s still somehow not knocking me over. It’s still well in the “good” territory, but I still find the singing a little one-note at times. Perpetual change, eh? This thing does change and move around a lot. The instrumentation is so full of movement all the time. Oh my god the vocals have improved! He sounds alive and like he’s actually putting some force into it. Little jazz guitar break. This thing is an enigma. It spans genres and I enjoyed listening to it but, again, there were too many lulls for me. So many cool ideas that would influence countless other bands, but as far as my initial review is concerned it’s not quite enough to jump up into regular rotation. I might have to revisit. 3.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Yours is No Disgrace, The Clap, Perpetual Change

I don’t think I can do this. It’s just a pop album right? I know as a man, this probably isn’t targeted towards me, but I mean it’s starting with a song that would have a 10am slot on a light rock radio station. Money changes everything. I wish it changed the chorus. I’ve never heard this next song. Girls? Having fun? Nah I’ve heard this song actually. In every gas station, roller rink, shopping mall, grocery store, dentist office, tv show, bus depot, and terrorism hostage video since I was born. It’s not for me. I actually don’t hate this one. It’s got that sort of melancholy 80’s tone that appeals to me at times. It’s kind of nice to start. Although the lyrics are dumb and again the repetition is just so gratuitous. It wears out its welcome. Pass. Every tv/movie prom scene ever. Man this album had the hits. Again, what can I say? I hate this song. I really don’t understand the appeal. It’s pop. Is this supposed to be a “great work” like the Beatles stuff we’ve heard or even fun like Boston? These are driving to work radio ballads that are kept on low volume. OH GOD MAKE IT SHE-STOP. This is BRUTAL. That chorus is poison. What is happening. Is she drunk? Off kilter schmaltz with garbage lyrics. Nah. Reggae guitars. The worst genre of music ever to exist seeping into an already bad pop album. This is a mess for me. This one sounded kind of interesting for a second. Kind of driving and cool, but it just devolves into her vocals and other garbage. The weird techno driving is a little cheesy and dated but better than literally anything on this album. Guys. This is kids music. Is this comedy? I’m embarrassed to be listening to this. It’s all too dumb. The lyrics are childish and rote. This album is not good. I get that people have fond memories or really like dim, catchy pop music. Hey I like dumb stuff, but please don’t attempt to make it high art. It’s dumb. End of story. This was unlistenable and made me feel embarrassment, misery and eventually anger that my Spotify algorithm has been ruined by allowing mainstream nonsense to be played. 1 HIGHLIGHTS: None

I come into this thinking U2 is one of the worst bands ever. I’ve seen videos where they looked cool in like 1975 or whatever but this? I hate the album cover, the name of the album, and even the band name. I will give it a shot, but considering there are so many “hits” on this album, may god (Protestant or catholic, I’m not sure which side of the fence we fall on here) have mercy on our souls. The very first vocal strain conjures images of Bruce Springsteen doing a Brian Adams cover. This blows. Melodramatic drivel, ripe with self-importance. I mean he CAN sing, he just CHOOSES to be insufferable. His vocal inflections and emphases are just so painful. Also, if you’re going to name yourself “the edge,” why is the guitar so “meh.” Only thing I’m on the edge of is a restful slumber due to this listless, overplayed dumpster fire of a song. I almost turned it up, but then I realized what was happening. They really thought they were doing something with this. Self-importance has been said already. These all sound like arena rock songs that don’t have amps plugged in. Bad. Oh sweet Jesus, there may be some balls to this song. I’m awaiting the plunge into mediocrity and pretentiousness. There it is. Bad “gritty” vocals. This is the best song so far, but now Bono is moaning sexually. I swear to god. WHY? This is so cringe. I just checked Wikipedia. This album was a commercial success. I get that. The public are known for being idiots. However, a critical success?? I landed on this planet in a spaceship. This song evades descriptors other than synonyms for “bad.” It is truly awful and it is so clear that Bono thinks he is the greatest musician to ever interact with a microphone. I can’t believe this was a song. One of the worst I’ve ever heard, and I played guitar for a few years as an angry teen. I just don’t get it. This is not good. What part of this pseudo-intellectual, egotist rockstar trash is revolutionary? I mean he’s a noted philanthropist, which means he loves to show off his charity work, and he also loves to show off his boring lyrics and overrated singing. This album has no ideas other than testing the patience of enjoyers of passionate music. This just keeps going hey? Please shut up. Can I reach into the past and prevent this from happening somehow? I’d go to Dublin and make sure these losers never met. Every instrument is so bland and Bono is like an insufferable dork trying to woo every girl at a party with pretend emotional depth. If there was a god, they wouldn’t allow this song to exist. This sounds like proto modern pop country mixed with all the other stupid shit that this album has subjected me to thus far. Replete with dumbass “yeehaws” and whatever. Another snoozer. I’ve referenced sleep a lot in this review. That’s probably not fair. This is like when you’re half awake and overthinking in a dark silent room. It’s angering and anxiety inducing while simultaneously being the most boring, banal event of the day. Too long. Stop. Stop singing. You’ve made your hundreds of millions off of the morons who like you. Why am I part of this? Why would you call a song “exit” and not exit? At least Bono is not prominent here. We just have pseudo-guitarist edgelord pretending he’s doing stuff while strumming the same three notes. Another poor excuse for a song. Go in with a whimper and exit with a whimper. Wow guys, you’re such titans of human welfare. Thank you for this whispering nonsense. U2 has cemented their place as the second worst (hello Pearl Jam) band to ever break into the mainstream. If this is their defining project, I never need to hear another song from these idiots unless it’s the background of a sweet Triple H recovery video. Thank you for playing your terrible music for the benefit of all us plebeians writhing beneath your esteemed post as the kings of dentist office soft rock. The absolute worst. 0 HIGHLIGHTS: Visualizing the Edge’s baldness and the public hanging of Bono.

You get one chance to name a band. First failure. The recommended stuff looks good but there is already a mountain to climb after experiencing U2 yesterday. Yeah. Very much shoegaze. This song is too saccharine. NO REGGAE. This fucking blows. Why is the vocalist so bad? This could’ve been cool. Good music is really hard to make. The vocalist doesn’t fit and I prefer this kind of music to be sad or at least weird and introspective. The vocalist is genuinely really bad. I feel like I need to like this. Ok, I do like this part. No vocals, driving instrumentation, insane saxophones. Back to garbage. Stop singing please. The Rodney King song goes HARD. I don’t even hate the vocals with this stupid beat. It’s fun. Ooh we’re back to shite. I can hear the singer’s saliva man. This is bad. The music. I can’t keep up the song by song review for this one. From here on out, I will just give a summary of what has been a boring, overdramatic mess thus far. Small update: this thing is ROUGH. More reggae guitars at one point ( the worst genre ever conceived) and just overall nothing memorable. Nothing sweet. Nothing interesting. Nothing dark. Just nothing. A trudge to the finish line. The final song has cool ideas and constitutes a highlight as it finally grabbed me. Not enough to make up for this thing, but a final enjoyable moment. Although TWO MINUTES of repeating the refrain. Way to ruin the only good idea this thing has produced. I wanted to like this, I really did. There was just nothing to grab onto. It’s not good. There were glimmers of brilliance but they were so elusive and often immediately faded into something dumb or a sequence of abhorrent vocalizations. Not in a cool way either. There are far better 90’s alt albums. It feels like most of them would be. 1-1.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Rodney King - Song for Lenny Bruce (part of it anyway), The White Noise Revisited (first half)

So popular. So so popular. A true test of my aversion to popular things. God forbid I like this. noooooooooooo. I like this. Driving rock rhythm and a voice that fits the music well. Pretty fantastic 90’s alt-rock song. I feel like this one was in a commercial. This one isn’t as good. It feels pretty silly and not in a fun way. It’s fine, but not necessarily something I’d want to revisit. Anyway. Here’s wonderwall. Trying to listen to this like I’ve never heard it. The chorus still sucks, but ugh I actually like this song. Do I unironically enjoy wonderwall?? Yes. Don’t tell anybody. Although it’s not perfect, it’s better than I thought. This song was my SHIT in rockband. Man this is a beautiful song. Really nice melody and one of the better songs I’ve heard doing this project. Of course I already knew it, but mostly as a 12 year old smashing the shit out of plastic drums. Hey now. This one is forgettable. Sort of floating by. Listless britpop. Interlude. Sounds like George Thorogood or however you spell that shit. One time this thing doesn’t autocorrect ridiculously. Anyway. Whatever. Some might say is good. Cool heavy guitars. Nice vocal melody. Sweet song. This one isn’t doing it. Reminds me of feeling depression for the first time and not understanding what it was. Like 2000 type shit. I guess it was ahead of its time. In both depression prognostication and getting the perfect feel for 2001 lite rock. She’s electric??? Don’t rhyme sister with missed her. Although, again the songwriting is nice. This is a decent album. Nice melodies. A little repetitive. Spacey, cool, a little aggressive. Pretty good. More swamp music. Actual live footage of swamp waters. Into the big concert closer. Although, this song is so nice too. I forgot how well the melodies are crafted. There are depressing elements but isn’t that what we’re looking for sometimes??? Yes. Colour me shocked that this wasn’t a pretentious, overly poppy, whining mess. It’s a nice britpop experience with many memorable songs and fantastic songwriting. Obliged to say that wonderwall was decent and Oasis overall has impressed me. Which is what all musical acts strive to do. 3-3.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Hello, Don’t Look Back in Anger, Some Might Say, Champagne Supernova

No idea where this one will go, so a hop right into er. So far, I am emitting Honk shoo honk shoo’s with a cap and a candle holder next to my curtained bed. This is so syrupy. Midgets mentioned. I mean the lyrics seem good, which I imagine is a big part of why this album is. WHOA. Breakdown. HELL YEAH. Whole song worth it for that. What’d you call me??? Uhhhh. Well. That sounds like a reasonable request, Sly. You can count on me. I have to be pretty wasted to enjoy this kind of jam band stuff. It’s not coming together for me. I mean I am enjoying the modulated talking guitar but overall kind of fades away. Again, just a jam song. Can be heard in any high school nowadays. Here is an actual song. It’s fine. Way too repetitive and overly happy. Oh my god. Is funk finally happening? First time since the end of track 1. The dual vocals, the soul, the HUHs. This is sick. Not as commercially friendly as the rest of the “songs” Oh boy. Happy sunshine friends holding hands and circling this big ol marble as one united friendship squadron. Snooze. The song itself is ok, but the forced unity stuff is a bore. While it would be great, this messaging always comes off as preachy and dismissive. A 14 minute song called “sex machine.” Ugh. Yup. It’s a jam song. Extended Modulated guitar/vocal solos ALWAYS set the mood. The instruments are good and while this isn’t necessarily a song, this jam is better than some of the other ones. It actually keeps getting better. Raw, stripped back guitar solos beat the messy horn based ensemble tracks for me. Man this thing turned into a classic. Mesmerizing, soulful, musically brilliant. THAT is a good jam. Aaaaand back to the radio. I don’t think I’m a big horn fan. The bass is good, the funk is present. Simmering. Not at a boil. Vocals are good. I am always initially skeptical of things that are popular/reviewed well (this website is a great place for me to be hey?) but this thing came through when it mattered. A little preachy but that was overtaken by funky instrumentation, excellent vocals and a lot of passion. Not a classic for me, but a damn fine listen. 3-3.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Sing a Simple Song, Sex Machine

The last David Bowie album we endured on this list was, at the time, the worst album suggested within the 1001. It has since been matched by the likes of hipster Elvis impersonator Nick Cave’s bloated 2004 project, and Irish posers U2, who released an absolute zero in 1987. Suffice to say, I am not looking forward to this. No disco to start. That’s good. It’s not good per se, but I’m happy it’s not disco. It’s a lame guitar riff with some fairly interesting alien weirdness happening in the background. But! If he’s not singing, I’m a happy fellow. BLUES GUITAR?? It’s fine. I was genuinely thinking this was an instrumental album and was so excited. His voice hit like nails on a chalkboard. Lame vocals, but instrumentally, this album has been decent so far. Oh god no. This sucks. Again, instrumentation is unique and I feel like it’s not an everyday album in that regard. David Bowie is not a talented vocalist. He’s very important culturally, but musically overrated due to that importance. It’s the celebrity president phenomenon. Sound and vision eh? So far I am envisioning hell, as the sounds filling my ears seem to be hold music for a surfing resort and the only way I’d be hearing those sounds is if I was suspended in some sort of purgatorial state. It’s almost like he’s recording and doesn’t want to wake his mom up. Oh no there is the unfounded confidence. Ok, the vocals ARE interesting and weird here, there’s just an element of poor taste somehow. This time I think the actual music let us down. This song is a big nothing. Boring. Desolate without any accompanying atmosphere. Cringeworthy vocals and lyrics. Break for caterwauling. Garbage. Obligatory riverboat revival song. This genuinely sounds like Tim & Eric. Which would be great, if it was. Considering it’s not, I can only take it as a genuine attempt to be a good song, which it was not. What the hell is going on. David Bowie ambient track? Giving this one a chance. This one did NOT need vocals. A nice experience other than the ham-fisted lion king vocals. It sounds like Sid Meier’s civilization menu music at this point. Another pass. Meh. What the fuck is this? Don’t moan at me. You produce interesting atmospheres and sounds and then you wail over top of it, completely decimating any subtlety or intrigue. Medieval garbage. Hearing less singing HAS been nice. Although it makes it harder when he does pop in for a wail, just to remind everybody he’s still the premier artist of our time. To be fair to this album, it was musically interesting and as abhorrent as I believe David Bowie’s singing and lyrics to be (not sure if he wrote his own to be fair), there was more intrigue here. However, I just can’t jump into the 2 territory as there is not enough to actually enjoy for me. Even the atmospheric ambient portions seemed to be dripping with pretentiousness. David Bowie is a cultural icon and a musical mystery. This is another lacklustre project from a vastly overrated musician. 1.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Ambient portions in the final few tracks.

Didn’t expect this one. I don’t know if my 2024 brain teeming with internet overstimulation can handle lines like “picking forget-me-nots” but I will attempt to quell the encroaching brain rot and go back to a simpler time. Where men were men and women were scared. First song is a classic. It rips. Simple as. Nice love song albeit slightly weird. We should’ve left this rhyming scheme in Monterey. This little horn run in the drug song is fuckin rad, but everything else is super forgettable and middling. These are starting to bleed into each other. Is this a new song?? This album has great bass licks and cool instrumental runs all over it but man the lyrics are so dull. Brother can sing (obviously) but man possibly due to this being almost 70, sounds. A little trite. Razzle dazzle? Devil moon? Is this a three six mafia record? Man that’d be slightly better. This song is more of the same. This might not have been meant as an album experience. I prefer the version of this song in seminal 2003 Christmas romp, Elf. That’s the extent of my intellectual musical discourse. Referencing millennial children’s films. But this is a great song. Lyrically more interesting. I’m telling ya. The jazzy instrumentals are the best part of this. And also saying the Rockies and Gibraltar are going down. Classic. The hits have been delivering except in this case. This one is getting under my skin, in much the same way a parasite or even a not overused metaphor might. I almost want to just hear the bassist and flute gent just go ham on something. They rule. More sappy lyrics that make a decent song, but nothing crazy. Tears for fears mentioned. *DID FRANK SINATRA PREDICT GEARS KF WAR 6 (not clickbait) (gamers)* I don’t even know if that’s a reference. This is so close to a Christmas song. I forget which one, but the refrain has the exact same beginning. Something about mistletoe. This one is passable. I hate this term. Don’t say whoopee to me. Was this the equivalent of “WAP” in 1957? Were there tiny weird podcasters radio hosts talking about how we’ve become immoral. “He talks about men sewing, our nation has become soft.” Almost as if history keeps repeating itself. This one is pretty cool. Again though not too much is standing out as an individual track. This is a playlist quietly playing at somebody’s 80th birthday. Dude is lying to get a date. What a baller. Frankie doesn’t read books. Come on. Frankie pulled through. Old crooner music is a guilty pleasure of mine and while close to an hour of it was a little overkill, This is a musically competent, sweet set of songs held back slightly by precise table lyrics but propelled forward by excellent vocals and a cool big band backing. 2.5-3 HIGHLIGHTS: You Make Me Feel So Young, Pennies from Heaven

The album cover is every adult male post 2020. I actually also have libertine tattooed on me. Stick and poke only. Where’s my vape? This starts like fats domino mixed with the Smiths. Why is there this old school rock element? Interesting. I didn’t hate this. Yeesh, A few sour notes in here. It sort of has a nice melody but goes off the rails into a big nothing. What is this singing man? Holy hell. It’s not even cool ironic. Meh maybe a little. I thought this would be worse than it is. No boo Radleys so far. Ugh this one is where the energy kind of dies off. It’s shouty, but still somehow dead. Even chimp noises can’t save this. This is all fine. I’ll probably purge this from my mind the second it’s over but that’s not due to it being bad. It’s just ok. This one floated by. The Ha Ha Wall. This one is cool. Erratic weirdness in the midst of a nice, punchy melody. Happy, bizarre, interesting. Oh buddy. A little bit of a punk riff. Hell yeah. Fast, aggressive, fun. Let’s go. So clearly influenced by the Smiths and the Clash. This one veers too near to reggae for my ears, but again, not as bad as some of the shit (U2 I’m looking in your direction) we’ve been subjected to. Doo Wop. Influences on their sleeves. Nah this one wasn’t for me. Dragged. Back to the energy. This album is surprising me big time Cool Cool x2 Will we ever know what truly became of likely lads???? Oh maybe this acoustic person will tell us. While I primarily embarked on this journey to discover more pretentious hipster music, I have been mostly disappointed by the indie offerings thus far. This is the closest I’ve come to finding a new favourite as this album delivered far beyond expectations. Not perfect and still a little insufferable at points, but by god, The Libertines are decent and I’m not afraid to say it in a review that’ll never be read. 3 HIGHLIGHTS: Don’t be Shy, The Ha Ha Wall, Arbeit Macht Frei

Fat of the land is an underused phrase. I was born in the wrong century. I was meant to be a 1600’s peasant. Dying of old age at 27 type of shit. This first song is menu music to a snowboarding video game. The weird chanting is actually cool. Man. Will I like this??? I mean it’s background music for video games or maybe what’s playing in some 1999 hacker club in a movie. This is just the soundtrack for the Matrix isn’t it? I didn’t want to tip my hand but that’s what this was leading to. It’s kind of good. It’s pretty ferocious. Love the shouted vocals, the energy. It’s old as all hell, but this stuff has sort of come back anyway. Sounds fresh. This rap is a little mid. Yeah. Attack a whack pack a stack a black a Knickknack. Lame. Get outta here. Never has “funky shit” seemed so high stakes. I’m fucking shaking. Meh. I was hoping we’d stay with the more aggressive vibe of Breathe. This song is annoying. Weird end is cool, but that’s it. This is getting a little same-y. What was thrilling early, is becoming a little trite. Although this could easily be the opening to like an ECW show. Which would be cool. I wish I was watching ECW. If I can’t be a 1600s peasant, I need to at least be a fat guy knee deep in wrestling tapes. I’m 99% of the way there on that one. This song SUCKS. Cooler. More interesting beat changes and soundscapes. Singing. This thing started out so aggressive and driving and has fallen off a cliff. This is an 8 minute EDM song. Oh boy. What is this? Maybe it’s meant to be background music. It begs to be ignored. Oh now this is cooler. The whole appeal early on was the life and the energy. That has all but faded up until this point. Now, this isn’t great, but it’s a vast improvement. And it’s also bad. Yeah there’s too much repetition for me. I know that’s the idea for clubs or whatever, but I’m not in a club. This is supposed to be an album experience and it’s beginning to fail me. Please do something. I’m observing the details in the crab on the cover at this point. The horn ending on Climbatize is so good. That’s what I’m talking about. Different stuff. If it bores rave dorks, then I’ll probably like it. More punk-y vocals with a backing that has elicited a half hearted “meh” from me. Nice weird organ. This is what the half star should have been invented for. It’s just right in the middle of a two and three. What started as a andrenaline pumping experience that initially blew me away turned into a repetitive dumpster filled with off brand paintball and BMX game soundtracks. Not that I hate those things. The fat of the land was a little too much fat and not enough land. Whatever the hell that means. 2.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Breathe

OH HELL YEAH. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. One I know I like. Take it away Miles. It’s so good man. That bass just carrying everything. Soaring saxophone, piano. Virtuosic on all fronts. And it is just so interesting in top of it all. Cool lick after cool lick. How the hell was this happening at the same time as like swing music? Freddie Freeloader baby. Hell yeah. Another “banger.” More of the same but that same is innovative and exciting. Quieter moments. This might be one for my insufferable New York Apartment man playlist. One for people staring out of their Queens apartment wondering why the city leaves so little for those who build it. One for the real melancholia aficionados. This one was there. It’s still good but not flying off the page like it did at the start. Flamenco sketches. God that’s even a cool title. Big reminder that U2 sucks and David Bowie is hot on their heels because this is what we could be listening to. Slow and melancholic again. Not typically my favourite type of jazz but this is still ponderous and overall enthralling. The dark tone this one has is really infectious. The bass punctuating every saxophone lick. So good. An excellent jazz record featuring some of the biggest names in the genre. A spellbinding listen and one that begs attention to every detail while also flying by. I can’t say that it’s perfect as I’m realizing that may be unattainable, but it’s damn close. 4.5 HIGHLIGHTS: So What, Freddie Freeloader, Flamenco Sketches

All aboard the controversy express. Led by this moron. Yes, he’s an idiot, but I’ve heard this is one of his best. I’ve never really listened to Kanye beyond the radio slop, so we’ll see. Jesus. 76 minutes??? Ugh. I worried that this will be clean sounding “bling era” jay-z tinged rap. So far, we’re sounding like a jovial “love the way you lie.” It’s a little infectious. The rap is nothing special, but the beat is weird. Lots of interludes of course. All Falls down is my least favourite kind of rap. Overly dramatic, female chorus. It ends up being fine as it feels like it has something to say. You can see how he stands out. This is not run of the mill, it’s just far too polished for me thus far. This one is no good. Even the feature is underwhelming. The flows are annoying here and the beat is far too simpering. Interminable and boring. There we go. Some grit. This is a hit, but it’s the best one so far. It feels tongue in cheek preachy, but there is an element of cringe to most religious stuff of any denomination. There is the prodigal son. The lamest rapper of the 2000s. Jayson Zee. Needless melancholy. The lyrics SUCK but the last rapper at least has som vitriol in his voice. This is all too sappy. Am I wrong in saying this feels built for the radio? It’s all so clean. Oh boy a Common feature!!!! It’s a clean-off! In all seriousness, this one is cooler. Talib Kweli is a nice feature. Was common even here? Anyway, this one still has that Kanye flow which I’ve realized is always the same. Come on. This sucks. I’ve got a new (er) workout plan. 3 x 10 turning the volume down, 3 x 12 eye rolls at horrendous lyrics, then finish with skipping songs until failure. Give that a rip. Whoa! It gets worse!! I’m not a “sexy r & b” guy. Listen, I’m a white guy not born in the 60s. Oh buddy. It’s 2004 and I’m playing NFL Street 2 again. This is good. Lyrics in first verse are fun. The Mos Def Kweli reference is funny. This song is so very 2000’s but not in such a glitzy way. It kind of stayed where it was, but this one was ok. Good sample on this one. Boring rap verses again. I’d almost listen to this one as an instrumental. It’s funny, that the degree stuff is still pretty relevant. It’s an adolescent criticism in many ways, but it’s also right. Two Words. Much better. Yeah this one is one of the passionate songs. Less screwing around. I don’t know man. I keep saying the same thing, but the pop sensibilities kill me. Luckily this one has less of that. Boring. This hasn’t felt as long as it’s been, however we have two songs to go. Oh god it’s like inspiration rap. I can’t deal with some of the sounds. The shimmering transitions. The lyrics are boring to me. I’m sorry. Fuck the 12 minute song. Get outta here. Ugh. This was not great. Listen, people love(d) this guy. He’s popular. I get it. He’s definitely unique on and off record but the flows are samey, the lyrics are funny at times and others sound like this review. Sloppy stream of consciousness that really doesn’t pack the punch I expected. The samples range from incredible to grating, and the rap is just there. This is mediocre. 2-2.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Jesus Walks, Get Em High, Two Words

When I see this pop up, the phrase “Kill me” comes to mind. HOW IS THIS ONE THE MOST IMPORTANT 1001 ALBUMS EVER WRITTEN. Ugh. Anyway. I’m coming into this one with a touch of bias. First song starts off with the nothing guitars pioneered by this nothing band. This was worrying me. I thought “is this kind of good” for a total of 15 seconds. It’s over. The vocals are horrible, the needless drama is wretched. It sounds like a manipulative millennial predator spearheading a theatre production. It’s endless to boot. One of the top 5 most insufferable songs ever to reach the mainstream. It hits my ears like poison. I’m not even surrounded by drunk screaming white people. I’m just a white people listening to this by myself. So not only am I in pain, I’m embarrassed. Fuck the Killers. Let me check Wikipedia. Fuck Brandon flowers, fuck Dave Keuning, Fuck Jeff Saltzman, Fuck Island Records. Hell, Fuck Las Vegas for producing these people. This is a repetitive, overly simple piece of garbage that somehow sounds like a car commercial AND a joke song written by a character in a mockumentary. Genuinely awful and while I hope this is the last time I’ll ever hear it, I’m sure it’ll be shoved down my throat everywhere I go for at least the next quarter century. Boring. Lame. Sappy, yet no real emotion is even being insinuated. What is the emotion? Indifference? The colour grey? You guys suck. Congratulations on bilking the public with your lab created tripe. Another BANGER here guys. WOOOOOOO. The chord progressions, the synthesizers, the melodies, the drums. All awful. And the vocals. Jesus fucking Christ. Terrible. What is this song even trying to say? Yes, let’s get black parade piano notes in this. Let’s try to sound like the Beatles if they were parodied in a motion picture that didn’t acquire the rights to their songs. I’m sorry. I really have sympathy for people. I just know this song was played at weddings throughout the 2000s/2010s. “I’ve got soul, but I’m not a soldier.” That lyric irked me when I was 10. It doesn’t make sense on the face of it and insinuating “souls” were in any way involved with the creation or distribution of this record is fraudulent. Can’t even play guitar. And then it’s buried in the mire of lame synth. What is this song? Holy hell. Poor Andy. Being addressed by this dweeb. Come on. You’re joking at the point. This is AWFUL. I’m uncomfortable. I’ve developed hives. There are rumours that they’re a Christian band. Maybe I’m possessed because this is now causing me physical harm. That whiny guitar lick. Burn in hell. You’re the worst and you can’t change my mind. Believe me Natalie. I’m at a loss. I’m going to get my closest three friends in a Room with a Casio keyboard and a sheet of bob Marley Christmas music, add some horns. 30 million listeners a month. Mr. brightside feat Sublime. Trails off into more synth bullshit. Two more songs. I genuinely haven’t had allergies this bad in months. Did he just do vocal scatting for a minute??? They bury the vocals behind effects. I wish they’d bury the vocalist. I mean not really, but I do wish with all my heart that he would stop making music. And also invent a device that erased his entire catalog from current availability and also memory. Sick guitar solo Though may I sit microscopic, adrift in an ocean of stars, though I may crane my neck heavenward in search of answers, my cries for merciful truth unheeded. Darkness descends upon me in the form of tomes written by a heathen that besiege my wellbeing and cause my ponderance to descend into pleading. I beg for the end and all the gods can reply is “It’s indie rock and roll for me.” We are nearing the merciful end. After a four minute autotuned showtune about the genre they ruined, will I ever be the same? I feel like I have been prematurely aged. This is truly one of the worst things I’ve ever heard. A swath of nothing that still grates on me to the point of exhaustion and boiling fury. If you like this, shame on you. Examine your life. Music for people who hate it. I hate the killers with a passion they couldn’t manufacture in a lab. 0 HIGHLIGHTS: Being right about this band. Also an album where every track is awful, but also gets worse as the album continues is pretty special.

Huh?? What’s this. First song. Kind of sick honestly. Fun track. Not much to say. Love the frantic sampling to start track 2. It kind of stayed that way didn’t it. Kind of faded into the background. Fun sample here. Hell yeah. Medieval era wailing over the funk riff. This one rules. Less good. This one sounds a little too happy and the guitar sample is kind of bugging me. Funky redux. Cool sampling with the scary religious man. Another decent one. Less great. The repetition is getting to be a lot. The very hungry jezebel. New book for pious youngsters. Uhhh this one is another weird soundscape. Just fine. Dragging by a little now. The sounds are cool, but there’s not enough for me to latch onto here. I know when I start discussing the album, the songs are just sort of there. Here we go. YES. Creepy, crawling, haunting. Beautiful. This is a fantastic song. Another banger to end the album. They really went the creepy route near the end Apparently I have to go to YouTube to hear qa’ran due to protests from the Islamic council. First off, fuck you. Your attachment to a man-manufactured deity should in no way impact the real world. If you want to like that shit, go nuts, but keep it out of real life. It’s caused nothing but human anguish for centuries. That goes for Jesus nuts and everybody else who believes in a magic man in the sky. Wait out this life patiently and silently while you wait for your reward or whatever. Emphasis on silent. Irregardless, this song is absolutely fantastic. Brooding groove with chilling sampling. This album is an odd one. It got a little hyper repetitive in the middle but it’s bookended by brilliance. So many cool ideas and while not perfect, a truly unique experience. 3-3.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Regiment, Come with Us, Qa’Ran

World of hurt expected. Album cover mixed with some reviews I accidentally saw tells me this is going to be a rough ride. Billy Joe Armstrong in front of the American flag that’s, huh? UPSIDE DOWN????? Whoa. This guy is off his rocker!1!!1!!Guys, this is going to be extreme. Look the fuck out. This is a worse version of counting crows. , sappy pop vocals, TERRIBLE lyrics, annoying cadence, bongos??? This thing BLOWS. Even the saxophone can’t save you. I’m crying. That harmonica hit me as so disingenuous. This is campfire music at a youth church camp. One of the worst lyricists we’ve had to listen to. The harmonica player even sucks. No soul, nothing. Wow we’re off to a flyer here. Oooh now a banjo. Is this that singer that does “bubbly.” Fuck. It’s pop country. Get out of here. You suck. The vocal melody is better and there is a catchy pop chorus (which has been partly ripped off from Steve miller band) but the instruments and his inflections make this completely unlistenable. It’s so unlikeable. Yes, describe the parts of an outfit Bryan er Ryan. This is songwriting camp stuff. It’s so basic. Oh yay, a reference to a “little girl.” Shocker. This is endless. Each song beginning feels like the onset of another heave during vomiting. I am catatonic. Nothing about this is blues. I suppose I am feeling depressed. We’re halfway there. Oh god the gospel inclusion. No. Imagine being this dimwit’s backing band? Fuck. There’s a group in need of rescue. Dude shut up. This is responsible for every moron who headlines the stampede every year. What? Speak up. I somehow haven’t run out of mean things to say. I more than likely never will when given ammunition like this. This feels like a first dance song for a doomed marriage. Doomed marriage feels like this guys overall aesthetic. Listen. I love reading, writing, all that. I don’t claim to be a genius. Look at this writing. It’s rife with errors and bloated prose, but, these lyrics aren’t saying anything, are they? I’m trying focus on anything but this hackneyed bob dylan impersonation mixed with an attempt to sound like the pixies (see: FAILED). I chose the lyrics and they too are approximations of good things half-remembered garbled in a self-importance blender. STOP REPEATING THIS LINE. Another bad guitar solo. Imagine saying “you’re not John Mayer” and meaning it as an insult. Here we are. Oh boy. Here we go. He’s about to propose an open relationship to the barista he’s attempting to leave. Get ready guys. This guy can’t leave well enough alone. There are elements of something that a talented songwriter could assemble into a useable song, but this guy builds Ryan Adam’s’ monster out of mangled pieces of bad ideas. And we get Sylvia Plath rhymed with “Give me a Bath.” 👍🏻 Oh sweet Jesus. The drummer lurched alive like he was being defibrillated. Furrow your brows gentleman. Ryan is getting gruff. This has been the only slightly listenable song thus far. And we’re back. Money can’t buy me love called, and it’s begging for death, everyone is really scared. Somebody call Ringo to talk it down. Yes Ryan, take that stolen melody and add the words “little girl” and a couple references to amphetamines. Perfect. Does someone have a capo and possibly a maraca? Excellent. Let’s call it track 11. Another whisper ballad. His voice is breaking. Hahahahahah oh man. That little instrumental swell. I want to heckle him. I just can’t stand the music on this album. It’s so basic. Good singer/songwriter music I so great but it’s hard to pinpoint exactly why the good stuff is good. This is simple to a fault and just so pop friendly. The country twang is also insufferable with everything else going on. Another clanger. Some more John Mayer lite. This album is making me like John Mayer by proxy. Stockholm Syndrome. Don’t do driving guitars. Ryan wants a ford commercial. Maybe the My name is Earl theme? Well he didn’t get either (to my knowledge, I honestly don’t care.) this is not horrid I guess. Grading on a curve. It’s cheesy and I would never listen to it again unless it’s accompanying the smooth ride of a 2024 ford escape, the most fuel efficient model in the premium series. Ford, Ryan Adams approved. This last song sucked. Fitting end to a pile of lukewarm refuse. This is the music that used to come automatically downloaded on windows Media player. Songs that feel like reproductions of hits filtered through a record executive’s septic tank. We really need to start examining what constitutes a “must listen” album because this ain’t it pal. Painful experience. 0-0.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Enemy Fire (I Guess).

Excited for this one. I know one song and we start with it. Weirdos with cool hats is always a good start. This song is remembered from movie montages. It’s fine, it has an interesting sound and nice vocals. I won’t be writing letters home about the Byrds just yet, but it’s fine. Beautiful song. Great melodies, well put together. This is great songwriting. This song is ok. Not terrible or anything but the meat of the song takes a backseat to the strange noises. The weird alien ending was actually pretty cool until the voices. This was pretty good. This one is boring. The songwriting is worse to me than the previous songs. Not horrid. This thing keeps moving. The songs are so short. Pretty good song. Nothing much springing to mind positive or negative. Cool, laid back song. The instruments are virtuosic and after the guitar centre plucking from Ryan Adams (no typo) yesterday, it’s very welcome. This almost has a torch singer vibe. Like some smoky 20s club. 1920’s for you young fellas. Another nice song with incredible effects that produce the psychedelia that we were promised. Folk influence big time. I’m such a sucker for Celtic folk influenced rock. Loved the fairport convention stuff, and this is reminiscent of that. This one is kind of insane. Reverse looped instrumentals. Of course I like it. It’s weird as hell and yet still highly competent. Man. This thing rips. The lyrics are fantastically interesting. Reading them like a book. If this melody was employed in the modern age, it would be driven into the ground and not nuanced as it is here. They weave in and out of the hook so tastefully. Probably one of the best ones here. The album remains nice. This one was fine. I’m still trying to pinpoint why certain songs appeal so greatly while others are mediocre to poor. Maybe I’ll do some musical theory course and ruin music for myself forever. OR, I’ll continue to produce low quality reviews on an internet database. This album was weird, slightly haunting, exciting and had a bunch of great tracks that employed excellent songwiritng and atmosphere. This album could’ve produced more emotional weight to bump up the score, but I really can’t ask for much more than what was produced here. Top tier listen. 4 HIGHLIGHTS: Have you Seen Her Face, Everybody’s Been Burned, Thoughts and Words, Mind Gardens, My Back Pages

I’m not sure I’m comlrrrabke with so many “yeahs.” Let’s tone it down here. Let it be known. The Spotify description of the band begins with this phrase: “It could only be called alchemy, the transformative magic that happens during the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ most tuned-in moments in the studio.” Yup. “Posted by the yeah yeah yeahs.” We may be in for a pretentious ride. This one is an enigma. The sounds hit my ears as both supremely poppy and also subversive somehow. Lots of repetition and while not one I’ll be returning to, not horrible. More indie rock of the era. Got some screams in there. This one had a pretty driving thread all the way through it. Surprisingly really quite good. Has an infectious energy. This has cool instrumentation, but something about the songwriting makes this feel like sassy girlboss country music from the 2000s. Carrie underwood with the most furrowed brow you’ve ever seen. Pass. Ooh this one make want to listen to the Hives. This thing is moving. I’ve heard “Maps” before and did not expect this pace and attitude from the rest. Yeah the tense vocal passages near the end along with the plinking guitar. This one was good. Ripped. We seem to love that country cadence. Maybe they’re southern. Repetition of the same lame chorus. The energy remains and is certainly admirable but this one was less fun. God the guitar/bass tone here is pretty much black sabbath. Not a bad thing. The vocals don’t do it for me so much here, but god damn I still love the energy. Riff is good on Cold Light. Especially with the vocalist’s penchant for unhinged punk delivery. Nothing too distinctive here but another decent one. Huh? No no no?? I thought. I mean. Ugh. Im so confused. I want to go home. The one sort of had moments of brilliance. Maps is not for me. I even hated playing it on rockband in 2007. This isn’t a 17 year old opinion. Reaffirmed by the lame singing and nothing happening instrumental. I like when a little bit of fuzz enters the picture, but otherwise, this song stinks. Makes sense it’s the most popular. I kind of miss the energy. Although this one has nice songwriting. It’s growing on me. Not bad. Oh brother what did I do to deserve this one. A stinker in a line of relatively stink free tracks. Poor song. What did they do to you? Yeah a really bewildering ending to a strange album. A surprise for me. See?? I can hate the idea If an album and not hate it HIGHLIGHTS: Date with the Night, Tick HIGHLIGHTS:

Oh jeez. A heavy hitter in the nerd world. The first review on RYM that pops up not only rates its 5 stars, but criticizes people who don’t like this band due to personal taste. NOT ALLOWED. That’s wild. I BETTER like this or a parade of gothic weirdos will *gulp* call me names on the internet *teeth chattering*. Anyway, take it away weird right wing goth boy. Love the audible bass. Yeah this one is pretty haunting, yet it still drives. This one gets the hell yeah approval from me. Did not expect it to work so well off the bat. The vocals are odd but they really accompany the instrumentation well. The swell underneath the keys and guitar make for a highly 80’s experience. A experience I don’t typically enjoy. Oh yeah. This one was already marked as “liked” by me. 1. It mentions Shankly. I’ll just assume that’s the legendary Liverpool manager and move on. 2. The lyrics are cool overall. Love the line “I’ve got the 21st century breathing down my neck.” Words are fun. Lots of quotables on this track. 3. The riffs and arrangements are excellent. 4. The weird breathy way, he says Shankly sometimes cracks me up. This is a winner. Ooh a ballad. Man. This is really nice. A few of the worries I had about this album were the vocals and the possibility for self-indulgence. I find that this comes off very genuine and the vocals really work. Stretches slightly too long for me, but not to the point of anguish. The incel anthem, brother. But is there ever something about this album. Haunting is the word. This one almost has a blues undertone covered with shimmering guitars and bright. Great Halloween album with the alien sound effects. I ended up absolutely loving this song. Hmm. Nah. This one is not it. A definite lowlight for me. A bubbly one in the midst of an album shrouded in melancholia. Me and Julio down by the cemetery gates. Not terrible, mind you, but not up to the same standard as previous. Morissey is channeling his best Kermit here. Is that the fucking TikTok voice in the background? Our brains have dissolved. Confident it’s smooth as a koala’s in there now. If I hear a noise I only have 30 second clips that I’ve seen against my will in feverish dopamine trances to reference. Despite my thoughts shifting to the downfall of humanity via our own hubris, I realize that this song was good. I don’t really like this one. The boy with a thorn in his side eh? Sounds like he has a thorn in uh his uh. Wait. Sounds like a boy who SUCKS at music. We got there with a big delivery. I want to thank all my fans. To the the two people who “liked” my reviews that one time, I think of you often. Couldn’t do it without the support of those nameless 1001albumsgenerator.com users. Oh, this song sucked. What are we doing?? I was loving this album. It’s just sort of faded. Did someone else start writing the songs? Eh. It wasn’t terrible. Almost western instrumentation. Not my lyrical theme. Jesus it took a pretty suicidal turn. Well. Lots of lyrical depth. I kind of thought it was taking a lame going out and dancing theme. This one isn’t bad. Cool return of different instrumentation. Return to form. Well said pal. Some girls ARE bigger than others. Happens with boys too. Hey, all genders and ages. People be different. Bizarre album closer. What can I say about this one that won’t flag a barrage of hatred from the pseudo-intellectual music reviewing set? Bah nobody reads these. This album is good to great. The music is warm and full, yet somehow desolate and chilling at the same time. A few songs were just there but there were a few that were standouts even amongst the other albums I’ve heard so far in this list. “The Queen is Dead” is an album I will return to, primarily in order to think about being British and sad but also to enjoy. Not a five, so may the lord protect me from the gnashing teeth of internet critique from “high IQ” RYM users with anime profile pictures. Let us pray. 3.5-4 HIGHLIGHTS: The Queen is Dead, Frankly Mr. Shankly, Never Had No One Ever, Bigmouth Strikes Again

Sick. Cool nerd punk. Fun high energy riff to start. Hell yeah. This is the right amount of yeahs. Insane vocals, great riffs. Weird satisfaction interpolation? Works here. Jesus this is cool. It almost feels like an interlude, but between the lyrics and the super cool instrumental, this feels like a pointed parody. Thumbs up. More fun. It’s teeming with energy. Can’t believe this came out in 1978. Rolling along. This one has more melody and almost a sombre tone for the start. Which is odd. Then it’s a god damn iron maiden riff with spaceship noises. Nice. Oh boy. The lyrics are suspect from an “allowed today” perspective, but this one is great. He wore a hat, he had a job. I mean can you get any better than that? This one is a mantra. Highly repetitive. Still cool. The riff switch up is great but yeah. Almost a little annoying near the end. Primus called, they said thanks for the career. Yeah this one is fantastic. So punk. Completely unhinged, yet hanging on to musicality by a straitjacket thread. Just the right amount of paranoia. I have to say. This one feels like nothing. The instrumental is boring. The vocals screeching back makes for an improvement but this one didn’t need to be here overall. Not terrible but not as exciting. Don’t do this to me Devo. You were so cool. This one isn’t for me at all. Not good. The riff that just repeats ad nauseum wasn’t good the first time. This sounds like napoleon dynamite background music that isn’t interrupted by jokes. Fading fast. The first half of this thing was all-go. Not much to say on this. It’s like psychotic kids music. Which I don’t mind, to be honest. Ahhhhh this is one of the hardest ones to rate so far. Parts of this verged towards 5. Parts of it were a 2. I think on repeat listens the impact would lessen but the highlights are very strong. Off the wall insane and a whole bunch of fun. 3.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Uncontrollable Urge, (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction, Mongoloid, Too Much Paranoias

Yes, let’s start my bob dylan experience with an album released 30 years after his seminal works. Perfect. Ugh. Well. Let’s give it a whirl. Vocals too high in the mix brother. This sounds like an iPhone recording. Like a 2007 iPhone voice memo. The music has a cool vibe, but this elderly man whispering into a substandard mic is not my thing. Not a great start to my bob dylan career. Also, side note. The tag of world’s greatest lyricist always made me cringe, and if you get that tag, I get to criticize sixth grade depth like “sometimes the silence is like thunder.” Let’s try to get through the next HOUR AND TEN MINUTES. This one was fine. Forgettable for the most part, but overall fairly fun. I guess? No. For real? This just feels so stale. It has a palpable feel of depression. It reminds me of summer and being incredibly bored and physically uncomfortable. The lyrics are nothing, the music is nothing. A complete bomb. Definitely needed to be 8 minutes too. Blues camp. A 60 year old man is having a crisis and signs up for a blues songwriting course. This is his final project. He sounds ancient but isn’t bob dylan still alive? Take me a million miles from this song. I burst out laughing at the initial vocal line. What is happening? This song is another failure. The music is just so dull and the singing. Hoo boy. Disastrous. Meh. This song is the best of a bad bunch. Have to say it. It’s not too bad. The blues feels a little more heartfelt. The guitar has some cool effects on it. “Not Dark Yet” is musically atrocious. The vocals stink as per usual and the vocal lines are awful. However, the lyrics on this one are good. I would rather hear this as a poem. More fake blues. I am completely baffled. How can anyone defend this? No means no Bob. This is PAINFUL. Genuinely one of the worst songs I’ve ever been forced to sit through, and I was a teenager in the early 2010’s. I hate this. Oh we’re back to smooth bob dylan. Oh yeah baby. Has anybody tracked Corey Feldman’s whereabouts in 1997? Did he release this album? Stop growling, your dentures will fall out. Also please blow your nose. I’m begging you. I CAN’T WAIT until this is over. I’m begging for some folk music at this point. I hoped the highlands may deliver but here we are, hearing my ancestral homeland being crooned about by an aged, fake blues musician. Literally mentions Aberdeen. Good lord. I feel insulted. IT IS 15 MINUTES. This needs a new paragraph. I write angrily about music. Like most people, music is one of the primary ways I consume art. It has emotional sway and a big place in my life. Not unique to me, but still very important. This fucking song is paint by numbers blues that asks for nothing from the listener. It has ZERO emotion and even less reason to exist. It is barren in every sense of the word. Stretching out like a canvas that has been lightly smeared with the muck of self-importance. This is a rich, washed up songwriter who has an enclave of sycophants telling him that he has value to the modern music landscape (he doesn’t) flexing his influence in order to shit on the music listening public. This song is a vanity project and actively detracts from the musical canon. What is this list? I feel like I’ve heard 1000 albums better than this already in my days on this bewildering planet. This is GarageBand music accompanied by world class terrible singing of mediocre lyrics. I know this isn’t prime Bob Dylan, but this was absolutely terrible from front to back. Geriatric blues parody that insults fans of singer songwriter music. See review of Highlands for a summary. Alternate titles: Bob Dylan jumps the shark in real time, GrandPappy’s blues camp project 1997, Overblown hack ruins blues for everybody. Hoping Bob Dylan has something to offer in the 60’s, because I’m sure this isn’t the last time we’ll see this man. 0 HIGHLIGHTS: Great Question.

Basically Back-to-back Byrds. Alliterative nonsense aside, last one was a 4, let me check out the FIFTH dimension. Apparently this bad boy is 28 minutes. God damn Reign in Blood type album. Decent track. A little sappy in places. Moving on. Another nice yet not great one. I find this album has been more agreeable and a little less interesting to start. Same thing really. The melody is nice but something is missing somehow. I see you is pretty bad. Man this is like Beatles extra-lite. It’s flying by but there is really nothing happening here. The vocals are nice but the melody doesn’t stick and it asks nothing of the listener. This one almost has a nice folk lilt, but something is off. It’s annoying in a way. Like I have nothing to say about this whole album. It’s just there. Eight miles high??? I think I’d need to be to make this something groundbreaking and sticky. The riff is ok here. That’s really it. This just makes me want to listen to Hendrix. Captain soul was a run of the mill guitar solo for me. Unnecessary harmonica but that’s like saying silent silence or loud thunder. John Riley is folk without soul. Everything just feels kind of empty on this album. It’s not clicking. Still, this one held me the most I suppose. Jet taking off. Doesn’t compare to the weird alien interludes form before. Oh my god this one was insufferable. Ugh. After really loving the Byrds’ “Younger than Yesterday,” this one seemed like an exciting prospect. It was anything but. This was middling to poor as the Byrds never really got off the ground. Didn’t even seem like they wanted to. 2 HIGHLIGHTS: John Riley

I’ve heard OF this band. No idea what they sound like. A GIRL???? If I could somehow convey a spit take via writing (and not using the lame roleplay stars *nods* *shoots self*) I would. It’s been nothing but moody boys for about two weeks now. This song is very 80’s and very high energy. I like that, I like the title, but what I can’t really get behind is the rest of it. Kinda mid. This is a cool intro, although please go nowhere closer to reggae type music. I beg of you. Ok they heeded my cries. Eh. Where were they going? Into somewhere? Maybe repeat it 64 more times, Siouxsie. This sucked. Arabian Knights??? With a K?? I don’t know if it was Banshee or big Sioux herself, but this is the type of writing I come for when I listen to the 1001 most influential albums of all time. Seriously, coolest one so far for the first minute and a half. Devolves from there for a few seconds but we go back. Good song. Whoa HALLOWEEN was yesterday. This is truly the greatest mashup of things ever. Let’s think about Halloween as a concept. I’ve heard it was some harvest festival but I need to research the costume thing. How did some pagan harvest lead to me dressing like grimace and hassling the local elderly for an upgrade on my mealy apple or mini toothbrush. Man. I guess I’m kind of bored with this song. Oh hell yeah. This guitar rules. That’ll wake anybody up. Almost early 2000s nu-metal, except not hyper cringe. Shouty and pretty cool. Good return to form. Or beginning of form? Whatever. This is boring. It feels like a night shift. Vaguely depressing, interminable, and overall contributing to an early death. Whoa glass breaking. Makes me want to see stone cold come out. Unfortunately I just had to listen to this chilly 80’s mantra reading. Man this one starts off cool. It devolves into such repetition that I just don’t get it. Why is it that music nerds love things to repeat so much? Spooky. Weird. Interesting. Man my last song review could be the review for this whole album. It was repetitive and annoying in places but between the dissonance, the flirtations with metal, and the overall bizarre feel, I didn’t hate this thing. Solidly intriguing and worth hearing. 2.5-3 HIGHLIGHTS: Arabian Knights, Monitor

I don’t wanna. Nooooo. The first Yeah Yeah Yeahs album surprised me and wasn’t horrific. The 2009 scares me. Let’s see. This is an odd one. I’m sitting here kind of slack jawed. I can’t in good conscience say that this is “bad,” but man do I ever not like it. That chorus is nails in a chalkboard and the music is just electro pop that just sort of sits there. Main keyboard riff isn’t too bad, but the rest is gross to me. Oh I feel like I’ve heard this song before. Apple commercial? Boring electronica. This is music that is meant to be interrupting conversations at lousy nightclubs. Repetitive and devoid of musical value. Some autotune crooning. Autocroon as the kids call it. Maps redux. Why create this? Why bring this to the world? Is there not enough suffering? This is an atrocity. Minus a billion stars. Skeleton feet? Skeleton me. That’s it. This is so bare and horrific. I am grasping for something to hold onto. This song is a descent into hell. Dull life, eh? Hmm. I wouldn’t remind the listeners of the word dull. Oh god. It’s electronic Mumford and sons. This is bad “btw.” Oh yeah here we go. I thought it was going to a big buildup for some crescendo. If it actually did that instead of just staying with the boring intro, it would’ve been PERFECT for some Hollywood ensemble comedy with an all female cast. Alas, I have to table the writing for Bridesmaids 2 and live with this blaring in my ear. Yes, please do a whisper ballad, we’ve had too much fun! (we haven't). Fuck this was brutal. This is, ugh let me check my notes, another pop song. My Mouth, OUR HOUSE! It doesn’t even seem well played? Wow! That’s an annoying chorus. To be fair to them, this sounds like it could’ve been released 8 years later. I mean chart music was still dreadful in 2017, but they had an early track on a shiny brand of terrible. Her “sweet” voice doesn’t work for me, so when it’s so heavy in the front, it’s not a win. Cash is NOT good for you fans of excellent SPEED network game show, Pass Time. What would the crossover be between people who know that show and read this review? 100% I assume as I’m the only one who fits both descriptions. This song is sappy and unpleasant. Pass. The obnoxious drums in the background ruin any softness this one had, but it was nice to leave the Berlin synth dungeon for a few bars. Bars? Like liquor establishments? Accidental pun? I don’t know. Who cares. This sucks too! This is my personal hell. It has the palpable desolation of a parking garage. Barren concrete erected where something vibrant once stood. By “something vibrant” I am referring to music, not previous Yeah Yeah Yeah’s works. My bones ache. Please give me a good album. 0 HIGHLIGHTS: What is a Highlight? A bright spot? A song I love? It can be either. A pleasant surprise, an amazing song, and even the best of a bad bunch. Oh yeah this thing had none of that.

Why do the words “bossa nova” conjure up images of Mambo number 5? Is Lou Bega’s seminal Mambo No. 5 the updated Girl From Impanema? Ehhhhh this is off to a rough start. Back up from the mic. Ahh the female vocals work way better here. And the saxophone is nice. It’s unfortunate that this is now the elevator song from movies, as I can’t say it’s bad. This is too happy. I would prefer to be able to understand the lyrics but I have yet to commit myself to learning English, let alone Portuguese so I’m flying blind with Doralice. The vocals do seem too happy but the music is nice. The vocals are too close. Is that a complaint I can have?? I’m not a huge vocal jazz fan. Anyway. Saxophone is nice, but it’s all so accessible and therefore, a little dull. Whispering singing. Terrible. Unedited lip smacking. Get back to the saxophone. Thank you. Yeah the singing doesn’t work. Now the female vocals are good-great. The English lyrics help my personal enjoyment as well. NOOOOO STAY OFF THE TRACK MAN. Somebody should’ve just said all his vocal tracks got lost and released the album without them. It’s talking off rhythm too close to the mic. This song is an instrumental which is better, but exposes another problem this album has. The guitar and percussion is stagnant and pretty much the exact same all the way through. He sounds like a shy high schooler afraid to sing at a school talent show. This one is a head scratcher. I like the overall tone and vibe of the album for the most part. I HATE the male vocals. The saxophone had a cool tone but the background instrumentation was lowest common denominator metronome music. The atmosphere can’t be denied, but the rest of it will leave my head before I’ve closed this tab. Lou Bega is rolling in his grave. 2-2.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Girl from Impanema, Corcovado.

2018. Pop album. Why? I’m sure this won’t appeal to me but I’m a trooper. Listening to the French side. Not doubling up for 90 minutes. Come on. First song. Fuck sakes. I can’t even critique this accurately. This kind of music is not for me. I don’t think it’s for thinking. It’s supposed to be fun and bright and fluttery and make people happy or whatever. It’s unbearable. CHRIS. Why is this English now? I don’t know man. Listen. I’m not going to go to the ends of the earth to hear this one so French or English, whatever. This will hopefully be the last time I hear this anyway. This sounds like young Michael Jackson who discovered he can say swear words. Bad. The worst feature ever conceived. Bam. One step closer. More wailing. Overly dramatic but at least I get to practice my French. You know. This isn’t the worst song so far. Way too much repetition though. OH MICKÉ YOU’RE SO BELLE. Uh yeah. God this one is horrible. Just abhorrent. Boooooo. I meant to type an N, but hey. This typo is working for me. Bad. Pourquoi? Jellyfish jam. Ah man this thing would KILL at a postnatal dance workout class. Oh boy. More melodramatic RØSE (that’s French P!NK for all you linguo-Heads). Yeah this one is like you’re dying in the desert and you realize you’re completely lost and nowhere near getting to listen to Morbid Angel. How many god damn chansons we got left on this fucker??? WHO IS BRUCE??? I was just getting used to Chris and now there’s another name to learn. Scrap it. The G eh? Yup. I’m a French whiz. Le uhh genius de français. Check out that ç. Real fucking deal. I guess I can talk about the music again. This is glittery pop. 80’s diva stuff. Not for me buuuut The breaks are kind of fun. This song would be kind of fun if I was completely blitzed. Which doesn’t happen anymore. Ah well. Still a minor highlight. Mal ballade. I don’t like this. Thanks for trying. I think I have Stockholm syndrome in Paris because this isn’t a zero. While this individual was a terrible judge on drag race France, and most of their music is run of the mill pop, there’s something substantive about this album. Much more than I thought. By golly is it ever not for me, but I can’t say I hated all of it. 1-1.5 HIGHLIGHTS: La Marcheuse, Le G.

Had to go to YouTube for this so you won’t get my sparkling commentary throughout because I refuse to pay for ANOTHER subscription service. Now I sound like an old man. Let’s give another unheard of album a rip. Not another bad one please. Dude. This thing is IMMENSE. Huge surprise from the get go. The singing is insane in the best possible way and the lyrics are thought provoking and often tortured. The style changes are mostly fun albeit sometimes grating (I feel like some of it reminded me of “Let’s give ‘em something to talk about.” (Not a compliment)) HOWEVER, this album reeks of raw passion and soul and ends up coming across as a genuine expression of art rather than something to be reviewed well by music nerds. Not musically perfect, but emotionally poignant and ultimately impactful. 4 HIGHLIGHTS: Call Me, Green, Rabbits Dying, Stand Up

Oooh buddy. Let’s friggin go bud. Canadian royalty. My first ever concert. Biased already. Will try to judge fairly. Ah man. I can’t. This song rules. Radio hit status or not, the technicality of the drumming, the sweeping, menacing main riff, the excellent vocals. The weird synths? The fucking drums. Incredible. Heard it 1000 times. Could probably go for another 1000. Gets whiny to start track 2 but man that riff comes in and is just devastating. Mixed with the odd “time signatures?” (I think that’s what’s happening, I don’t do musical theory). A lot of weird lyrical references to “my uncle,” which seems slightly hamfisted. But hey. Another good one. A song entitled YYZ? What’s this going to be? A tribute to Lester B Pearson? The airport or the man? It’s an instrumental, so I’m assuming both. I mean this was a better experience than being at that airport or even in the city of my birth for that matter. LIMELIGHT??? This song is so nice. The melody is perfect, the musical complexity isn’t just there for the sake of it. It adds to the presentation. The bass tone remains GNARLY. 10 minute song. Child’s play when it’s going as this has so far. The musical variation is so exciting all over this. The vocal lines are not my favourite. The spacey breakdowns work and the virtuosic yet impassioned playing of each instrument makes up for any songwriting shortcoming. Dark, technical. More wizardry. This one kind of has a “The Police” vibe. Not my favourite way to close, but not horrific. Listen. Rush rules. This only strengthened that point. Anywhere where the melody felt too sweet was underpinned with bass lines spidering all over and booming, technical drumming with a lush production. Canadian pride, prog rock excellence. 4-4.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Tom Sawyer, Red Barchetta, YYZ, Limelight

Hmmm. Who are these young upstarts? Can’t say I’ve ever experienced something like this. Well. Here’s to new expeditions in music. Nah I’ve obviously heard every AC/DC song as I’ve heard all power chords in any order. Highway to hell is a good song. However, when it’s not being followed by the sultry tones of the Q104 morning drive crew discussing a viral video of a dog farting, there is definitely a longing in my soul. I don’t know what “backseat rhythm” is, but I don’t like it. This song is fine. Kind of grating actually. Walk all over you is too long. That first slow chorus hit pretty hard but the tenth time had me longing for a weather update from Beefer and the Shit on my drive home brought to you by Dude Wipes. This song has an excellent chorus. Very same sounding to all other AC/DC tracks but they found a decent formula and executed well here. Good chorus. A little glam, but a lot of fun. This one has a lot more drive. The sound is dated, but with fresh ears, this one would rip. And it does. Holy hell this is good. I have not only spring a bald spot, but a Harley Davidson muscle shirt has emerged from my skin. I have alerted a local physician. It’s the worst case of white boomer dad-itis he’s ever seen. I’m a sick man. This song was just there. Floated by. I do want blood. This is another monster. Man. I’m liking this and hating that I do. I’m trying to be cool and edgy but I simply will not escape the basic white man allegations. Lock me away, senator. Not an AC/DC ballad. Nooooo. Ok. False alarm. This one isn’t fantastic. Actually, when he says “you’re such a treat, a man’s got to eat,” that probably removed an entire star from the album. Single-handedly. I’m sure Angus Young is turning over in his pile of money having heard my scathing review of the lyrics he didn’t write. Night prowler. Decent, a little listless to end but YOURE LISTENING TO T109.7 THE TESTICLE *pant zip * AND WEVE GOT NOTHING BUT CLASSIC ROCK ALL GOD DAMN DAY *church bell.* AND IF YOU CANT HANDLE THAT, WELL MAYBE YOU AINT GOT NO BALLS *wolf whistle*. AND NOW HERES CHODE AND THE MOOSE MAN. Whether or not these songs come before traffic and weather on the ones, it’s a whole lot of fun. A good album that has a high energy and if it hit my ears in 1979, it probably would’ve knocked me on my ass. Misses out on a little substance and a cohesive album feel, but as a song by song experience, Highway to Hell is a hell of a ride. 3.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Highway to Hell, Touch Too Much, Beating around the Bush, Shot Down in Flames, If You Want Blood (You Got It)

Am I on a cruise ship? Why is Rod Stewart here? There’s no way this can be good. Also, gasoline alley is a place in Red Deer, Alberta, so I’m hoping this album is about the donut mill/Wendy’s part. This song sounds like an alarm clock. Does that make sense? I feel like I’m being torn from a slumber and not fully aware of my surroundings but knowing I’m in pain and needing something to stop. This is 100% awful. Offensively so. I wish this was all over now. I’ve used the term “riverboat music” before, but this really takes the cake. No passion, just boredom. His voice is dreadful. I’m wondering how he feels about this woman? I wonder if he used to love her, and whether it’s all over. I think I need him to screech it 38-40 more times. I’m a slow learner. The word Hobo rules. That’s already a win. At least we’ve docked the booze cruise for the day. This is typically the type of song I like. But between the lyrics and the brutal singing, it’s just not hitting. This is attempted soul. Nice try Drunk Raffi. This is just so unlikeable and run of the mill. Not even the donut mill. He sounds like the best singer in a small town. He plays covers on Saturday nights at the local tavern. Goes a little too long. The bar clears out. I wish I could clear out. Sensitive piano. Who told this guy he could sing? Seriously. He sounds ill. I could just isolate the bass and I’d be happier. The drums sound bad, the vocals stink, the songwriting blows. The title is lame. THE BACKGROUND VOCALS. Man. That was funny. This song should be called “DO NOT PLAY.” Playing it might be equivalent to the video from “The Ring.” Small town boy living in a lonely world or whatever. What is this manufactured tortoise and the hare parable? Two guys have a foot race to win the hand of a woman? Man I’m glad I don’t live in whatever time this is (this never happened). Oh boy, a guy also takes violin lessons mid track! Shorty is like a melody in my head that has my inner child clawing against the walls of my meninges like a scared cat. This is one of the most deplorable, not good, very very bad songs I’ve ever heard but my god is it one of the funniest. Replete with wolf howls. This gets -5 stars. The perfect bad song. Blues guitarist “Relatively clear Waters”starting the track with a Long & McQuade heater riff. I think Rod forgot the lyrics that were written for him during the La La La’s. I love the folksy laugh. Reminds me that we’re all having fun here (We’re not). I like a good lament, however, the instrumentation is so amateurish and not in an endearing way. The lyrics are not good. This wasn’t the worst, but it wasn’t even funny which makes me mad. Here we go. He doesn’t want to discuss his relationship. You’re HIS GIRL and he will take NO DISCUSSION on the matter. This is so obnoxious. Not good. Probably the best song as we have the least Rod and there is at least enough music to distract from the poor playing. What can I say about ol rod? He tried his hand at everything here. What he excelled at primarily is performing bad songs. This was a complete mess. It entertained me to no end as a writing prompt but as a musical album? Full on despicable. No more musicians that could conceivably have a magician open for them please. 0-0.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Alcoholism

A whole mountain made of an elephant? Or is the elephant walking around with mountains around him and whatnot? This sounds like a job for AI artists. Mostly because I’m cheap, not because I hate art. Folk-influenced is the word of the day. Yes, it’s a word if it’s hyphenated. This song is alright. Really liking the tones and overall instrumental. Not loving the vocals so far. They’re not terrible and willing to let it breathe. Getting real good after the solo. The vocals stepped it up. Smug eh? Hmmm. Interesting. It would seem that this song is uhhh not very good. That was me being smug as a joke. Not very easy to portray via text. Whatever. Picture a chubby white man smirking at an assertion that one form of media is superior. Medieval instrumental track. Jazz breakdown in the middle. I can’t say I hate this. Pretty fun. Loving the bass. Excellent jazz half. Sunlight. Nourishing rays settle over our earth as a blanket covers a newborn. Grass grows, in turn, nourishing the life it harbours. From nothing, sunlight creates. Peace. This song is nice. DOUBLE SUNLIGHT. THE SECOND SUN IRRADIATES A DECAYED SPHERE. FIRES SCRATCH AT THE ONCE BRIGHT EYES OF EARTH. SCREAMING HUMANS HURLED INTO LAKES OF MOLTEN DEATH. CHAOS. AND YET, THROUGH THE DEVASTATION, PEACE. Uhhh, This was just an interlude. We’re back from poetry corner. Good song here too. Nothing too crazy. Interlude and into “When I’m 64” by Americans. This one is somehow a little too normal. Nice waterfall finish. But not the best. There are so many interludes and whatnot. If a song floated by, hell, I can’t say. I have destroyed my integrity as the world’s worst music reviewer. NOW that is a tragedy. It’s not the 1000 typos in these stream of consciousness reviews, but my missing of songs on Elephant Mountain. Quicksand was fine. Sham is a 4 letter S word. So is Shit. I kid of course. Now I’ve wasted that fucking zinger on a good song. Ah well. Live and let die. Riding the wind to a close. Not something I’m loving. It’s a little long and repetitive and not necessarily doing enough for me. This was a cool one. Nothing mind-altering although I did break out into poetry halfway through. Mostly as an alternative to some shitty DouBlE rAiNbOW joke. Good to have artistic inspiration shot like a bolt as a direct rebellion to bad, millennial humour. The album itself didn’t do enough to blast into the 4 territory, but it was a nice time. 3 HIGHLIGHTS: Darkness, Darkness, On Sir Francis Drake, Sunlight

Otis Redding songs songs other than Sittin in the dock of the bay!?!?! This can’t be right. I’ll call the list maker. It’s ringing. Hey, man. First of all, fuck you. Yeah, Uh huh. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs were big for you in college? Right right. What was the deal with that late era Bob Dylan album? Yeah? Well, it wasn’t good. Anyway, I’m seeing here that Otis Redding will not be singing his seminal hit “Sittin on the Dock of the Bay.” Hmm, I’m an idiot??? Well, we’ll see who’s the idiot when I write my OWN book called the 1002 albums that are better than The Killers’ Hot Fuss. Otherwise titled, every album ever written. Good day to you sir. Alright, I’ll call tomorrow. Take care. What were we talking about? Oh yeah. This first song was ok. Was hoping for a bit more punch, but it was fine. Did Otis write this song??? No R-E-S-P-E-C-T?? How else am I supposed to know how to spell any of this shit? Come on Otis. Good song. Here is the soul. Hell yeah. A change has indeed come. Arrived in a big fashion. YUP. The piano and drums are ripping. This one is good, and yes, I HAVE been sad. Otis would’ve LOVED relatable memes. POV when you see uhh POV that face when uhhhh me when I listen to music #ad Listen. This song doesn’t have much except his voice. His voice is good but it doesn’t stir me like some others have. Pass. You shake it like a bowl of soup. - Otis Redding, 1965. This song is kind of fun, but a little to roller rink and by no means earth shattering - Me, 2024. Otis wins as far as quotes go, but as far as being a talentless boob reviewing music? I have that puppy firmly in the bag. Very popular song. Wanted to hate it. The melodies are wonderful, the concept is nice. The horns blew out my eardrums. Luddite’s revenge in destroying my oppressive headphones. Still good. And my damaged eardrums will certainly the next 12 Bowie albums go down easier. He doesn’t know much about biology, or French. Same brother, same. Although why is this a weird ode to a student. Has the vibe of a 20 year old talking to a 14 year old outside the lunch hall. Do kids have lunch halls? Or is it just the TikTok gymnasium brought to you by Vape Pods. This is an excerpt from my new webstrip “Dunch: The man who hates everything that’s different and new-fangled, yet only has a vague understanding of any of it.” Anticipating huge Facebook shares despite large competition in that genre. More good soul. Excellent track with over the top lyrics, but hey, they work here. Repeats a little heavily towards the end, but overall decent. Did he write every song? A classic made famous by the Rolling Stones obviously. I mean Otis isn’t struggling for notoriety out here but still. Don’t tell me what I miss. Come on man. After all we’ve been through. You tell me I don’t miss my water. I miss that sweet water every day. I’m incredibly dehydrated. This isn’t a metaphor. This is a good reminder for me. Hmmmmmmmmm. Well. This album is good. Does it move me in any particular direction? Not really. Did I hurt my potential enjoyment by listening to Etta James before this? Possibly. We had fun today. And we learned a lot. Mostly that Otis Redding is pretty good. Not great, but good. Sorry. 3 HIGHLIGHTS: A Change is Gonna Come, Down in the Valley, My Girl, (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction

2019???? What in the sweet hell are you talking about? 6.4 million monthly listeners. Jesus Christ. Uhhh. Well I have no earthly idea what this is. Let’s give it a whirl. Interesting opening. Fluttery piano. Vocals are loud and a little blah, but nothing terrible. Percussion and glitchy instrumentation is alright. I’m not a “La La La” man, so that can go. This was ok. I like the guitar on track 2. The chorus is decent. The background interjections are pretty good. I like this one. Not for me bud. This sounds like the boring part of “Feel like Makin’ Love” has been slowed down to be played on vinyl in $3500 a month apartments in walkable, trendsetting neighbourhoods with multiple DIY pinball arcades. Pass. Cool minor piano keys. Return to form. Interesting soundscapes all over this track. Pitch shifted vocals work pretty well with the overall vibe. At least I think their pitch shifted. Jesus. This could be the reanimated Barry White, popping in for a post-mortem feature. That was just an intro. Now the real track. Piano joint. That could mean a piano song or a piano bar. I don’t love his singing, honestly. Something missing there. Boring rhyme scheme. The music is excellent though. Cool jazz with odd sounds. I wish the vocals would disappear. Ambient track with samples of quotes. I like it. No vocals means I’m happy. Jeeeez the vocals. Gets too FAHHHH. Bad news. All around forgettable and grating. “Hero” was ok. That’s all. This song will be very easy to say goodbye to. Never come back. Although Spotify DJ will play this one forever, because Spotify users don’t experiment. They only listen to songs they enjoy and I pay the price. No singing!! So far. That’s good. More of the cool soundscapes. Oh there it is. Terrible. The website broke so you miss out on my incisive commentary for the last few tracks. Well. Listen. This album had some incredible moments. Some of the lush, modern soundscapes were excellent. The vocals and feel were not for me. I thought some songs droned on too long and I could’ve used more variety in the vocal delivery or tone. Decent, but too grating to be called good. 2-2.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Rolling, Another Human Being,

Ah sweet Jesus. When the words “rock” and “opera” intersect, I feel my blood boil. I feel my DNA scream as if warning me from my primordial past. An ancestral shiver travels my spine as though it’s a sign of strike from a crocodile. My hackles are up as we enter the theatre. May your deity have mercy on my soul and my distaste for theatrical bombast be ever untested. The initial riff rules. Oh boy. This is absolutely a theatre song. It’s a musical. The guitar tone is nice, the vocals are varied and competent (obviously) but they do SCREAM this is a scene set in an office in a community theatre production. Weird Beatles interlude. Kinda funny. Pretty decent musically again. A little nursery rhyme-y, but hey. It’s a silly interlude. This guy is in love with his car. This HAS to be a comment on overly performative masculinity. Or, maybe it’s what I have always said, there is something super weird about car guys and horse girls for the same exact reason. Don’t read too deep into that. Or do, but I won’t explain it. Use your critical thinking. (They want to fuck the thing). Anyway. What the hell is this song? I like the silly critique, but as a song, if I’m supposed to actually listen to this ever again, I will not. Holdin’ hands, sippin’ root beer floats with your honey down at the jukebox diner. Maybe your sweetheart will give you a kiss on the cheek when your chaperone ain’t looking, gee whiz! Man the guy can sing though. Despite my expert takedown of an idealized time in world history that is not necessarily reality, but a misremembering of certain aspects while omitting much of the truth of the era as humans are wont to do, this song is ok. What the hell is going on? This is basically maritime folk tinged now. Can’t keep up with the genre changes, which is really cool. Far too many of these albums pick a lane and occupy it, oftentimes poorly. Listen to me using car analogies. I’ll never beat the car romance allegations. This one was pretty cool. Typical rock song to start with a kind of freakout end to the thing. Lyrics are fairly lame, and by lyrics, I mean the song title and the repetition of that over and over. Nahhhh. I can picture the exact person this is for. Their description eludes me for the most part. Well, let me give it a go, during this odd horn breakdown (which is pretty fun to be fair). The most positive person you’ve ever met, despite having no reason to be positive whatsoever. A deep lover of musical theatre and probably has a pet gecko named Hermione or something like that. This person is also definitely in three to four parasocial relationships and calls YouTubers by their first names in comments. If this is you, oh boy, do I have the song for you!! Good riffs here. While it’s definitely the villains intro song in this ongoing rock opera (shudder), it’s a pretty decent one. Wait. What happens 4 minutes in? Why? Eh. It stays cool at least. Riffs all the way through. Best song so far. Piano ballad. Gearing us up for the rhapsodic ending that we all know is coming. This one is too cheesy for me. The actor is now on his knees in the middle of the stage, periodically stepping into ballet moves. Why do I know so much about musical theatre? I’m telling you, it sticks with me and gnaws at my very soul and provides enough cringe to launch a thousand grimaces. Not the beloved McDonald’s mascot. The facial expression. Although imaging a submarine shaped like Grimace is getting me through this sappy mess of a song. More Beatles worship here. Sgt. Peppers era. Even sounds like Paul McCartney. Meh. The most theatrical song to ever exist. It is so incredibly overplayed and overhyped but when I heard it the first time as a young fella, it crushed me. It still holds a place as an ambitious, artful rock song. Weird English national anthem closer. Alba gu bràth. I feel like I’m grading this on a curve. I feel like I absolutely hate it, yet I feel as though it’s wrong to feel that way. Hate might be a strong word as there are some excellent ideas and singing here. There is also much that just doesn’t appeal to me at this point in my life. This isn’t objective, it’s the subjective thoughts of a weirdo who spent most of this time making fun of theatre kids. 2.5 HIGHLIGHTS: ‘39, Prophet’s Song, Bohemian Rhapsody

Oh hell yeah. Canadian pride. Although it’s Ottawa. This isn’t a political commentary but Ottawa is like a weird fake city. Anyway. Here’s the 90’s angry hit machine we’ve all been waiting for (I haven’t been waiting for this). A full hour!!! Oh boy. Am I at a loss for poorly written words?? Kind of. I have no idea how to talk about this. Do I hate it? No. Do I love it? No. Do I like it? Kind of. RAHHHHHHHH LETS GO. I’m in my Mum’s 1996 Honda Civic once again. Oh no. The silly rap into the chorus. Bad bridge but you know what. This chorus is undeniable. Good and angry. Pop music peaked with this. Dumb nostalgia mixed with palpable energy. Screeching tires. I have been hurled from the aforementioned Civic onto the pavement of a 90’s ballad with horrendous lyrics. Trash pile. The TRUE mom banger. One hand in my pocket, and the other one is turning down the radio in order to think more about You Oughta Know. In all seriousness, it’s really not that bad. The choruses are catchy, and for whatever reason, as popular as this was, it doesn’t feel like it was distilled in a maintain lair by some Interscope executive. The deep tracks have not delivered yet. This is no exception. Return to sender. Ehhh. Some nerd on RYM said Forgiven was the only good song on here. It’s a little early 2000’s three days grace kind of shit. I mean, it is way less grating than that and gets progressively more interesting. Decent track. The vocal scatting type stuff is funny. This is the worst hit. So bad. Like, yes, people learn stuff from bad stuff. This reads like a lame psychology Ted talk. Bored me. The musical hipster returns with a lame Ted Talk reference and a flourished tip o’ the trilby. Another hit?? Alanis. Your 1995 was nuts. Mine was embryonic. Little hint out there for all you superfans. Nice little love song. Good contrast to the breakup songs I suppose. Circle of life. Deep track revival. Will it be a decent one? 1:15 in, that answer is an emphatic “no.” Full track elapsed. One of the worst. I won’t resort to the beaten to death and beyond bit that none of the things are ironic in this song, but you know what is ironic? I expected to hate all the hits on this thing and by god, I like most of em. Well 2 of them. So not most of them. Well, this has turned into a real black fly in my Chardonnay. First deep track banger. Great song about women not wanting to be mothers to boyfriends. I think? Man, I might be stupid. Either way, it’s good. Wake up sheeple. My phone doesn’t autocorrect sheeple. We’ve strayed too far. This song couldn’t wake me up if it was projected from the bleeding eyes of a demonic boar levitating above my bed. My sleeping cap wouldn’t even be dislodged. The a capella outro is pretty impressive. God. Well. That was pretty cool. Didn’t like a bunch of the deep tracks, but the good moments were really good. A ton of fire for a pop album and an enjoyable listen. Now to cleanse my palate with Wesley Willis’ monster hit “Alanis Morissette” followed by a trip to Rock n’ Roll McDonalds. 3 HIGHLIGHTS: You Oughta Know, Head over Feet, Not the Doctor, Your House - A Capella

Genius? Hey. I’ll be the judge of that. Why, you may ask? Because I’m highly judgemental and type like a Reddit moderator. That’s pretty much good enough for these days. This song was in Mafia 2. Man I’m a cultural savant. This thing runs like a freight train. Hell yeah. Jazz breaks, excellent singing, bombastic (in a good way) big band. “I got 50 cents more than I'm gonna keep” is a god damn “bar” as the kids say. Back down to earth. A little Frank Sinatra-y. Very of the time. Not my favourite. The best band in the land?? Man they must be hyped. Oh wait it’s a different band. Not his band. Anyway. This one is ok. The mix is destroying my eardrums a little but we stride on. Two years of Torture. Pretty decent. Good even. More smooth. A little too smooth. Still loving the jazz interludes. The quiet moments in this one are nice. Deed I Do is real good. Blues, jazz, quality vocals. Yes. This is what I want. Excellent blues, mixed with jazz piano. Soulful music with some complexity thrown in. Just for a Thrill is pretty great. You won’t let me go. If this album was bad I could have a field day there. What is a field day? Be right back. Apparently anything that happens in a field after 1800. So like a big fun dance OR some sort of weird ritual. Whatever you want. This was fine. Bad. Not a good song. Feels lazy. Next please. I guess my review got lazy too. You get what you pay for Mr. Charles. Do NOT let the sun catch you crying (Not clickbait) (Scary). Floated by. Yes Ray, you’re blue. Somebody answer the man, it’s been 65 years. Probably because he forgot to put a question mark. He asks “Was I gay?” Huh? Do we have a LGBTQ2S+ Queen on our hands? I love it. Call him Slay Charles. One more track. Very solid. Excellent vocal outro. As can sometimes happen, the beginning of an album is so exciting and when the surprise wears off, it stays where it is. The big band became more obnoxious as I continued through this thing. I know Ray was blind, and if the enhanced ability of other senses thing is true, those horn blasts must’ve blown his ears to hell. Makes me question the musical voracity of his Wrestlemania appearance. Nah. That thing was airtight. This album was good. Not quite wrestlemania 17, but maybe like Wrestlemania 1. 3-3.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Let the Good Times Roll, Deed I Do, Just for a Thrill

Weird stuff inbound 🚨. I don’t know if the red lamp emoji translates but oh baby it’s on. Let’s see what this has to say. Odd glitchy music. Man. A little slow paced. Not loving this start. The music grows to be more interesting near the end. That’s cool. Hell yeah. When it increases in volume and the atmosphere suffocates. Very nice. Whoa. Distorted indie pop. I love this. Excellent melody, palpable eccentricity. Quality. Oh we’re sticking with the distortion. That’s very good news for dweebs like me. And I am indeed a dweeb like me. Another nice pop song with a fascinating sound. Dreamy, odd ballad. Really nice. Calm. This thing hasn’t missed. Right from the praying individual in drag, to the oceanic outro of this song. Well nobody’s perfect. Memory boy will be unremembered, and considering its attempt to be catchy and repetitive, I feel like that’s the worst thing I can say about it. Where is the buzz?? Where is the distortion?? Where is the intrigue?? I’m hunting for this as though it’s a deer. Man. Even my writing is off. I need tripe and this is trying to feed me it, but I can’t quite get it right. I have no “Desire” to hear “Desire Lines” ever again. Oh god it never stops. Ok. Here we go. This is very similar to that song that goes “dreeeeeaaaam,” that’s in every 50’s prom/high school scene. Pretty good. The six million dollar man goes to boathouse. We’re back baby. Esoteric references that couldn’t possibly be funny to anybody but me. This is a great song. The odd, drippy background music, the plucky guitar or ukulele thing. All great. This one was fine. Sort of floated by. Coronado. Is that the sopranos guy? Yeah let’s go with that. I love that nobody can respond to these. Anyway. Good song. A bit of a listless end at parts, it the beginning and end are great. Filled with soul and draw for me as a listener. How did I miss this? I can’t give it a 5 because it’s not perfect but I will absolutely be back to this one. Immense depth, rife with emotion, intrigue and enough oddity to keep me entranced for 48 minutes. The pop flourishes buried beneath an introspective murk make for a beautiful album. More of this. 4-4.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Don’t Cry, Revival, Sailing, Helicopter, Coronado

C’est Chic. C’est mal ou c’est bien? The fates shall decide. If this is where that disco song comes from, we may be holding our noses for about 41 minutes. Oh no. It’s not that song, but I imagine it’s coming up. 4 note disco/funk riff and canned applause. Oh sweet Jesus no. Not this. Anything but this. Well. Not anything. But this is like thinking you’re going to Disneyland and showing up at a haunted sewer plant tour. It’s not that it’s terrible, it’s just boring and I hate the atmosphere. Don’t spell chic. Jesus. Maybe it is terrible. I’ve never experienced a longer 4 minutes outside of physical pain, so there we go. And there it is. “Le freak.” Ugh. If school of rock was a terrible disco movie, this would be the final song. Cheesy, childish, and unfortunately, bad music. Ugh. We’re going to get into the god damn Chic deep tracks? Why are they trying. To get meaningful here. I can’t say I hate the guitar solo. It’s pretty good. Decent tone. No group vocals is a win. Again, just too sappy and pedestrian. I’ll probably be living for this song to come back after the rest of this thing, so not too shabby. Happy man. Not me pal. Boring, bad. Bad vocal line, terrible disco guitar. Dead behind the eyes repetition meant to be danced to on barbiturates. The song “At Last I am Free” almost fills me with an emotion. I can really relate to this song. I wish to be free of this album, but this is only track 6. A vocal ballad. End it. Please. The good people of Chic, if any of you remain on this cursed earth. End this album. This is Disco on 5 RPM. Did this need to be 7 minutes?? This has been the same for FOUR MINUTES and it wasn’t good to start. Interminable dreck. Hey, they’re right. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Chalk this puppy up to a crushing defeat. Boring outro about nothing in particular. Easy activism. Some albums have an atmosphere. A general feeling of, well, something. Anything. C’est Chic feels like a linoleum floor in a Motel Laundromat. Which I suppose is an atmosphere of some sort. One that produces despair, and has the listener questioning what it is they did wrong to end up here. C’est très mal. 0.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Savoir Faire is the best of a rotten bunch.

Something tells me this isn’t going to be a romp at the beach. Isn’t Neil Young the most serious man on earth?? Well. Only one way to find out. Ehhhhh this one is actually very beachy. I wanted introspection and misery to be honest. Not a terrible song, but not necessarily for me. Again, I just want more from this. The darkness was there, and the guitars soaked in reverb near the end are pretty cool. I also feel like the vocals are an acquired taste and I haven’t fully acquired it yet. Also, harmonica is a death knell for any enjoyment. Whoa, Neil is getting upbeat. This one is appealing to me far more. Odd, fun lyrics and an atmosphere of slight dread. Great. Singing songs for pimps?? A benefit concert for pimps perhaps? Somebody needs to buy them canes. I appreciate that about Neil. Always looking out for the little guy. Providing walking aid to our nation’s most beleaguered demographic, the noble pimp. This song is boring. Another type of blues now. Revolution and vampires, the two genders. And a big spoiler, we have ambulance blues coming up. The three genders. I have to say, this song is cool again. Laid back, yet still with something to say. Even if it is Neil Young saying that he’s a vampire. World is turning, away???? From Neil? Wow. Truly one of the lyricists of all time. Nah he’s good. I do like his turn of phrase. More odd, bluesy sort of music. It’s a little plodding but he’s got the gist of it. Nobody wanted to interview poor Neil. Ah, I actually really like this one. It’s pretty cool. Man this thing is slow. Hoo boy. I’m liking it at times and this thing has picked up heavily since the beginning in so far as emotional depth, but I don’t know about this one. Slow burn harmonica replete with bongos. Not my favourite. Don’t say riverboat. That’s MY thing. Why is it that riverboats conjure up the most cringe I can imagine? Anyway. Neil Young is a heel confirmed. Who is the babyface? Don’t say Lynyrd Skynyrd. That’s a surface level cut for all you diss track fans. Long song. Not my favourite and a weak closer “imho.” Well. First foray into Old Man himself, big Neil. No mentions of the free world, but plenty of blues. From hating the album cover and the first couple tracks, this thing really picked up. Eccentric lyrics, cool atmosphere, but just not enough to say anything fantastic. Thanks Neil, you old Canadian weirdo. Keep fighting the good fight for the free world and indeed, the pimps. 2.5-3 HIGHLIGHTS: Revolution Blues, Vampire Blues, On the Beach

Entering the pleasuredome. Pleasure suit, engage. Activate intro. Initializing. 64 minute album detected. Inject pacifying drug. Flushing memories of “Relax” from system. Process complete. Let’s get slay folks. Let’s start off with a 13 minute romp through the jungle. Oh sweet Jesus no. The vocals. Well as this keeps going, it’s at least varied. The bass breakdown section with the shouted background vocals was really sick. That was fine overall. Some terrible portions. The big hit. Hey Frankie. Don’t tell me what to do pal. I’ve never been able to relax in my whole life buddy. Also, don’t say “come” and make that noise. I’ve called HR. The bass was pretty good but overall this isn’t for me. More fun synth bass in music that I don’t care for. Vocals too close to the mic. Wait it’s a sample of a Reagan… impersonator? I can’t imagine big Ron saying something positive about Che Guevara or Malcom X or even knowing the word endeavour. This is a multi-layered, interesting song. Two Tribes is mid to me. 80’s new wave bleh. Doesn’t really move the needle. Ehh dumb. I am repressed and that’s the way I likes it. Ooh scouse accent. That’ll save anything. Still bad. I never want to hear Bruce Springsteen do anything. I can’t imagine a worse singer. I destroyed the Killers. They’re truly awful. I demolished U2 as they are bloated rich twats who think they’re revolutionaries. Bruce Springsteen is blue collar cosplay who is the musical equivalent of a Bryan Adams impersonator who has a half full punchcard at Jersey Mike’s. This SUCKS. Oh boy we’re really going downhill here. San Jose sounds awful. Won’t visit anytime soon. I think we all wish the lads were here. Nothing beats hanging out with the lads. Now it feels like every thing I say is also a gay euphemism. When in Rome I suppose. Not a great review or even a great song. Moaning nosies over the intro to wanted dead or alive by Bon Jovi. Surprisingly, not great. Krisco Kisses is apparently ANOTHER euphemism. I learned this one from the good people of RYM. Most of the people of RYM are not good people actually. Most are extremely angry and pretentious dweebs with a high degree of self-importance. Doesn’t sound like anybody I know. Anyway, this song is like if Devo was hyper sexual and also not good. Wake me up when this song ends. Zzzz risjh doitnr huh im awake. Unfortunately. Awful ballad. Plodding, listless. Boring outro. Initializing pleasuredome exit procedure. Generating scathing remarks nobody will read. Increasing musical ignorance. Enhance. Engage. An album that I hated with moments of vibrancy. Can’t say it’s bad, but this isn’t about objectivity is it? Will never listen to again, and after 64 minutes, I limp out of the pleasuredome with a new appreciation for the sweet sweet silence all around us. 1.5 HIGHLIGHTS: War

It’s gay week on the album front baby. Wooo! I’m not sure if this is gay to be fair, but after Frankie and his trip to Hollywood never truly entered the pleasure dome, I’m still oiled up and ready to go. I have no idea what this will be. This sounds like U2 a little bit. Not terrible. A touch whiny. So not good either. Better start to track 2 aaaand a divebomb into boredom. Why? We had something driving and it has veered off a cliff into a vat of boiling sludge. Scratch that. Lukewarm sludge. This sucks. Also, why does every Spotify description of these bands claim them to be the progenitors of Brit-pop? Oasis, the Boo Radleys, these weirdos, The Beatles. Who else? Whatever. Anyway. I don’t think these guys invented this. It’s all very middling. Clash type. I normally think the Clash sucks, but I was starved for energy. We finally have some. Please don’t descend. Oh there it goes. At least we get a return. Best song so far. Holy hell this is terrible. Draggggggging through this track list and not one. Good way. Pantomime seems cool from what I’ve seen in drag performance, but this song lacks any of that energy and humour. This song is kind of nice. Nice 90’s indie pop sort of feel. Memorable and not lacking in pep like the rest of this dismal track list. From a sweet indie ballad, to a disgusting, sappy, garbage ballad teeming with pomp and boredom. AWFUL. Was the last song a joke and this is what they wanted to do? This is U2 without the production values. Which I prefer, but still, bottom of the barrel. This song hit me like a half tab of melatonin. Fine. A little uptick in energy, but as that level rose, so did the annoyance. Fuck this is a horrible song. See last track review. Do I hate music? I can’t believe I haven’t found a 5. Just something that is good all the way through and doesn’t annoy me at any point. This album had “the Drowners” and that song is excellent. “Moving” is also good. Not quite as good, but it’s there. The feeling that the rest of this album gave me was so negative that I can’t give this anything beyond a 1. It’s not valueless like the zeros I’ve given out but I just can’t say this had enough to climb into the even barely listenable category. This is a .5 eked up a star by one excellent song and one decent one. I really wanted gay week to be stronger. Until then, I’ll be scrubbing this from my Spotify algorithm. 1.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Moving, The Drowners

Well. Listen. I can’t take too many potshots at this. Yes, it’s in front of me, and yes I’m a huge nerd who likes to say mean stuff, but this is like critiquing a kids movie. It’s chart targeted pop. With that being said, I’ll probably be so enraged by the end that I lash out at the world but at poor Xtina??? I couldn’t dream. Feminist anthem. Pretty cool lyrically but obviously devoid of music. Next. GRRRRRRRRRR. I stuck my key into the side of my ears and dug until I forgot that I’m listening to this and also I need new keys and a ride home. I threw up and I’m scared. HUH HAMAS??? Didn’t expect a political queen. He intrigues her with every move BUT her mother was thankfully racist and warned her against the scourge of Latin lovers. Wait. Is this a Latin American Romeo and Juliet???? “Hey Christina, listen, before we continue dancing to Ricky Martin I gotta tell you, I’m full-blood borricua.” “Thank you for telling me, Oscar, it’s ok, as I am also partial Boricua, esé.” The dumbest club love song ever recorded. I love it. A self love spectacle. My god did this drag forever. Girl. Speak on it. I like some of the original songs that this is based on (70s R&B) I do not like glorified covers from 2002. What is happening? Because this kind of music has been in the radio for so long, I feel like I’m in a dentist chair having phantom tooth pain. The brain is powerful. If only one or two was used to write this music. Ugh where are we. Uhhhh who really cares. I wasn’t supposed to say mean stuff. So let’s take an interlude to remind everybody that while this is terrible to me, the nature of music review and any art consumption is wholly subjective. If you like this, fantastic. If you don’t, fantastic. Anyway. Now we’re on the makeup commercial song. Bad. NINE songs to go. ELEVEN have elapsed. That wasn’t even an intention 9/11 reference. Just a sign of the times I suppose. “Make Over” is probably the worst song thus far. No redeeming value as a musical experience. The back to back four letter word songs feel like filler. Brings to mind other four letter words like “shit” and “next.” Mutual masturbation song. That’s good. Redman is here for some reason. He was rapping and stuff. ANOTHER Rottweiler production? Wow. I’m still reeling from the first one. You have to say, for a dog, this fella can really produce. This one’s for the dreamers. Is there an emptier statement than that? Maybe “thoughts and prayers.” I wouldn’t say that the music is “ok” but another ballad. This is not what I’d call “music to sit and listen to.” Personally, I feel like that’s the point of music, but there is a large group of people who like to sweat and attempt to mate and they need a backing track for that activity. There’s also the moms and kids listening to the radio which is innocent enough. I for one do not fit into either caregory. This is not for me and not what I intend to review for this project. HOWEVER, there were obvious moments of passion and I feel like Christina Aguilera actually comes across as genuine and like she cares about the words she is saying. That means something. I still despise the music and it’s way too long and boring for me, but I can respect aspects of the performance. Despite all of that, please hand me my early 2000s pop diva conductor hat which I will neglect to respectfully tip, but will instead, hurl to the ground, ruining its trademark poof. That breaks my heart as an enthusiastic enjoyer of terrible hats. See what you did to me, radio pop? I’m a broken man. 0.5 HIGHLIGHTS: The Cholita Love narrative and imagining that sweet conductor hat dashed upon the damned soil of this toilet earth

Only 26 minutes??? Dolly, you spoil us. After yesterday’s SEVENTY SEVEN MINUTES of Xtina, this will probably feel like a cool drink of water. I’ve listened to more Dolly than I ever have in the last couple years, but this one will contain mostly new stuff. Deep tracks better deliver. This is just a nice song. I mean I’m sure it’s vaguely religious somehow, but it’s a sweet sentiment and nice little pop country song. Before pop country was designed to sell trucks and beer to morons. Holy hell. Kicking it up a notch. God I do like this era of country. Guitar rips pretty good, voice is full of energy. This one is quite fun actually. There’s such an understated folk aspect to this song. Sounds ancient which is a very good thing. Man, modern music is terrible sometimes. This is probably the best of the bunch so far. The weird polyamory diversion is interesting. By interesting, I mean highly out of place. This one is not hitting the same. A little paint by numbers country. The mystery of the mystery??? This might be what finally breaks my case wide open. I’ve been walking these lonesome streets for a while now trying to make a dollar out of two dimes and now this broad with a crazy coat says she’s got some mysteries to solve. This damned city never sleeps. That concludes the noire detective portion of this review as we wait for the direct god stuff to be over. Whoa. Is this a diss track? Man. I love these old jealousy ballads. Yeah, Dolly. Scorch that skank. Pretty sweet. Whoa, some introspective bass opening. Is this the 90’s?? Ah nice, more folk. Her voice is really quite good. Couldn’t decide for awhile but it is nice. A tortured warble, which may sound like a critique, but it has character and passion. This stripped back instrumental is so good. Hmm. This is not something I’d listen to alone. Or really at all. It’s sweet, but not for me. Too much piano. Not enough going on. Too sappy. Here I am. Well. You’ve been here for awhile Dolly. Has anyone performed a wellness check on 1971 Dolly Parton? Did wellness checks exist back then? Was it a kick in the ass and a verbal teardown? Probably. This song is alright. She’s givin’ it large, as I heard some person say once. She’s really embodying that nonsense saying. Not the La La’s Dolly. You were doing so good. Less memorable. This album started off like a gentle freight train. Like one of those trains that take you through an old-timey amusement park. Gentle, fun, time to take everything in. AND it mixed in the thrill of big trains. Damn. Maybe I need to go to one of these places. Anyway. This album exhibited passion, capable singing and a lot of excellent songwriting only to be let down by a same sounding side B. A lot of the boxes ticked in my seemingly arbitrary album review process and a lovely listen all around. 3.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Coat of Many Colo(u)rs, Traveling Man, My Blue Tears, Early Morning Breeze

Oh ho boy. Here we go. Untalented angry white boy listens to talented angry white boy from a quarter century ago. I’ve worn a sideways hat or two in my day. No stolen valour here. Man. Apparently Slim Shady is going to kill me. There are so many skits in rap albums. I hate it. Yeeesh. These lyrics are so cheesy. I can almost feel being 12 again and thinking I wasn’t supposed to listen to this. I probably shouldn’t have to be fair. This is trying too hard. Every slur in the book for no reason. Lame. Stan is a good song. The hook is fantastic, the rapping is excellent and multi-faceted. It lays it on a little thick, but at least there is an attempt to address some level of emotional depth. I do like to think that Eminem only writes in rhyme. Addressing letters to the PhD committee on behalf of prospective Dr, “Dre.” Hi it’s ME, Dearest committEE, it’s imperaTIVE that you GIVE my homIE Dre this doctorate, this PhD. Uhh. That’s all I got. He really does make fight music for high school kids. I also have to say. This is Christina Aguilera for boys. Same era too. If that crushes some souls, it might be time to put down the monster energy and go outside. Ooh boohoo oh no Marshall. Nooo. He has fans??? That. I can’t say it. Want to *sob* talk to him?? How does this appeal to the destitute middle schooler in Winnipeg or some shit. None of us care about your fame. Be relatable or at least less annoying. This is WAY overdramatic. Bad. This is “My Name Is” part 2. I remember this shocking me as a very young fellow. I would much rather hear this irreverent, goofy Eminem, than the hyper aggressive school shooter hoodie Eminem. This has some level of attitude and subversion. Remember Me? Huh? Me??? Who? If you’re asking if I remember “Sticky Fingaz” or “RBX,” the answer is no. They weren’t bad though. This one wasn’t bad overall apart from that bone-headed chorus. I’m Back is pretty entertaining. Again, fewer slurs. Less drywall punching. A little more of that self-deprecating, yet somehow sinister vibe that made early Eminem interesting. School shooting bars don’t age well, but hey, when you’re American, you rap about what you see. What a dump. Man, the homophobia is BRUTAL. Like why was being gay the worst fate that could befall a human? I mean I hate ICP like any rational human, but the bevy of material there before you have to bring up homosexuality is dizzying. This sucks. One of the worst songs I’ve heard on this entire list. What is happening? Aside from the LOUD eh “aural” scene, the next song “blows” too. Terrible circus beat (that’s a coincidence hey?) and an even worse flow. Booooooring. Oooh the most shocking lyrics of all time. Who cares? ADULTS released this. It’s not even accompanied by a cool tone. I love death metal which has a horror atmosphere. Anger distilled into abrasive sounds. This? There’s no atmosphere here. The second Eminem verse is decent. At least it’s about something kind of real. I don’t think “Bizarre” (who are these morons?) did any of the things he laid out in his verse. Thankfully. Big features here. I don’t think Dr. Dre will say anything about raping everybody or whatever. At least I hope not. Nathaniel Dogg is a Hoss and Xzibit just threatened to fill my Toyota Corolla with mud flap monitors that exclusively play this song. This one is a highlight at this point. Are we supposed to cheer for Eminem? This is like the end of “Down with the Sickness,” extended over 6 endless minutes. Terrible. Torturous. D12 as a squad has a better flow than most. I have to say. I almost chuckled at the line “it’s going to cost $300 dollars to get my pit bull an abortion” but upon review, it’s apparent that this rapper is NOT a pro-choice queen, and was rapping about impregnating dogs to be edgy. This is devoid of brain cells. I feel like I’m being chirped by dimwit hockey players again. I’m surprised “heterophobic” hasn’t caught on in the intellectually dull online sector. This song floated by. I think I lost IQ points. Maybe I’ll start defending billionaires online. Maybe the conspiracy theorists are right and whatever is in the food or the “chemtrails” (see jet streams) are making me a woke moron (see not misogynistic/homophobic), but this thing sucks for the most part. I felt embarrassed listening to it. This feels like the soundtrack for teen couples who are 38 now and instead of drinking heavily and rallying against the system, they’re drinking heavily and posting misinformation on Facebook or pining for the “good old days” when you could say slurs. Listen, some of these were good songs that had a rebellious tone, but most of the Marshall Mathers LP is ham-fisted drivel intended to piss off middle class moms rather than say anything of substance. Tastes evolve and this is at the bottom of that evolution wallowing in primordial ooze. 1.5-2 HIGHLIGHTS: Stan, The Real Slim Shady, I’m Back, Bitch Please II

1978. Could’ve sworn this came out later. I guess this really is stream of consciousness. Sometimes consciousness isn’t all that interesting. As a rule, I hate glam rock, but I’ve found Van halen doesn’t fit that mould in the same way that Motley Crue or god forbid, Poison do. Running with the devil. Excuse me, “Runnin’ with the devil.” Not a bad track. The guitar tone and vocals are excellent, the chorus grates in me a little bit. Feels a tad like a glorified intro but still heavy and pretty high octane starter. Eruption was mythical to me as a kid. I think that was the whole idea, but my god is it ever good. The tone just rules, and yes the secret is out. It’s tapping, but it’s played with such fervour. I love it. HOLY JESUS. It’s so nice to hear heavy guitar. A great Kinks song with the modern technology of that guitar tone. I say modern guitar tone. This is the equivalent of an artist today covering a song from 2010. Yeesh. Another ripping intro. Less exciting as a song. Back to the high energy stuff. This thing keeps trucking along. Oh no, no vocal scatting. Please. I guess it’s probably ironic. I’ll allow it, but don’t let me catch you doing it again. The riff in “Jamie’s Cryin’” is excellent. The lyrics are odd/mid, but that chorus is simply too good for me to be all that snarky. Although, what’s with the lack of “G’s?” I’m not talking about noted gangsta figures either. I’m talking about the song titles. Anyway. Good song. This is almost metal in places. Heavy tone, psychotic vocals. Just so good. Oh god. The riff is insane but this is poison lyrical content. Double meaning meant. “Hey baby, I’m sorry I sexually assaulted you in a car, whatta ya say we get together later?” Oh the 70’s. Still. Riff is great. Little dreamer. Why not beautiful dreamer as sung by Chris Peterson auditioning for zoo animals on wheels. Now that allowed America to dream once more. Decent song but nothing to write home about. Classic. Loved as a kid and is still fun now. Ignoring the innuendo as a child and tolerating it now, this probably helped me get into metal. It sounds odd, but this tone and energy is just so close to metal. Listen to that audible bass too. Damn fine. On fire is a great closer. More gruff vocal delivery with some amazing wails. This song is fantastic too. It sounds like King Diamond and Slayer. Like. How did I miss this shit? I expected to be brought back down to earth on my expectations here, but this album is so god damn good. Driving, aggressive and with one of the best guitar tones/performances I’ve heard possibly ever. Not perfect, but a monster of an album that will get some return play. 4 HIGHLIGHTS: Eruption, You Really Got Me, Jamie’s Cryin’, Atomic Punk, Ice Cream Man, On Fire

I actually got a pit in my stomach. The cover gave me Killers energy and I felt sick. I was relieved to remember that this is the Strokes and I have enjoyed a few of their songs. I am haunted by the spectre of the Killers. I have “hid” their songs on Spotify and the “DJ” feature still tries to play them. Anyway. This has to better than that. Low bar. Man, that bass is audible. Pretty good song. Simple melody and the bass is super cool. Ehhh. Noooo. Not. Not good. That’s not a double negative. I’m just trying to convey conversational rhythm. Very hard as a poor writer on an iPhone keyboard. I knew I hated the modern age. When the vocals elevate themselves out of that signature, fuzzy, murmuring croak, it’s pretty exhilarating. Reminiscent of the Doors somehow? Soma is a great example of this. One of the worst phrases to ever hit the lexicon, “Barely Legal,” is not a terrible song. Bah. A lame section near the end kind of tears it apart. Didn’t love this. This one is better. When they go the melodic route with more vocal variation, it works for me. Although. The riff here is getting a little tropical. It has an eye towards the beach. Come back to me. The moaning. Man. This wicked riff to start Alone, together is excellent, and then the momentum is halted by the croaking. Middling. Oh this is a popular one. Full on beach riffs now. Practicing Santeria. Although. Damn. It is infectious. It’s nice to have some drive in the vocals and any song that drags that out, is fine by me. Hmmm. From the super cool electronic beginning enters a Coldplay riff. Jesus this one sucks. Undulating verses. Feels like motion sickness. Drivel. New York City Cops??? What the sweet hell is this chorus? Terrible. A funny start AGAIN ruined. Starting to get upset at this. I mean I don’t have any investment in the intelligence of the NYPD, but I do have an investment in choruses that don’t suck big time. Please save this. I don’t know if “Trying your Luck” saved anything, but it was fine. Reminded me of the hit game show “press your luck” and the 2003 remake “Whammy,” which was fun because people got confetti and stuff dumped on their heads while losing devastating amounts of money. Why do they say North America doesn’t have culture? Well this really is the question isn’t it. Take it? Or leave it. Eh. Much of this album feels very familiar. I assume that means this album HAS made a big impact on music and therefore requires listening just due to its influence. With that being said, it’s one of those painful mixed bags for me. There’s little to despise for the most part, and sadly, there was also very little to love. The second “side” really wore out its welcome too as I became less tolerant of the same sounding vocals and riffs. All of this leaves me with a mediocre review of a somewhat mediocre album. I think I’ll leave it, thank you. 2-2.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Is This It, Soma, Last Nite

Well. There goes any worries about genre ambiguity. Hardcore Punk. Or just beat down Hardcore like Terror? We shall see. It could be an elaborate ruse meant to bait me but that simply cannot be. What??? Wait a second?? Is this just an intro to the hardcore album? It’s really long for that. Alright guys you got me. Can’t wait for the Discharge influence to really break through on the next one. My commitment to this dead/dying bit aside, I can’t decide how I feel about this right away. There’s a melodramatic, theatrical element that I hate, but there are some nice moments of melody as well. “I’m not Jesus but I’ve got the same initials.” I audibly groaned. This almost feels like something I’d like if it had any shred of likability. Does that make sense? Bah. I’m sure none of my reviews have anyway, so why start now? These lyrics are awful. Bordering on a joke song where I’m still waiting for the punch line. Oh god this song is horrible. It makes me want to party in the style of John Belushi. Overdosing and dying. Maybe I’ll fade out before the end of this song! Another boring song. Everything feels very tongue in cheek, but also devoid of anything to say. What are we being subversive against? This is Hardcore. Again. The false advertising. This sounds like a film score and due to the lack of vocals, probably starts better than any song on this album thus far. And there they are. After hearing “you are hardcore, you make me hard,” I would typically skip but I said I’d do this right. I have to be here. This is the background music to a terrible sex scene in a show about young people written by old people. Dreadful. Holy shit it’s not over? Bottom of the barrel here. Can only elevate from this point. I might break it up with an Agnostic Front song or two. The vocals are so bloody obnoxious. Swamp fumes levels. Miasmic stench rippling off of every belch from this pretentious dolt. And this was the best song so far. Still, not good. The giggle before “Try me,” made me punch the screen. Awful. This is Type O Negative afflicted by a horrible blood disease. Those affected “baritone” vocals. Look up BoDaddy Harris on instagram. Some weird man who essentially belches songs. This has to be his favourite band. Hopefully the singer was restrained and also cast off to sea. Oh no he’s back. STOP SINGING ABOUT SEX. YOU ARE GROSS. Hey. The lyrical content is vomit inducing, especially coming from this fella, but at least the slow pulse of the song fits the vocal delivery. The whispered soliloquy halfway through this marathon through broken glass has genuinely made me asexual. Hahahahahah. When he tries to exhibit range. Fuck. Also, how many allegations does this guy have on the books? How many *off* the books?? You should apologize to me. Not Sylvia. This is almost a decent song. It sounds like an Oasis song went through the paces at a Steven Seagal vocal delivery camp and was then slowed to half speed. We really are in the glory days! This album is almost over! Besides a FOURTEEN minute escapade to fully bring this medical waste barge to port. 10 minutes of ambient chime interrupted by this moron saying “bye bye.” Just shut up. Man. I get such a pretentious feel from this. While not Type O Negative, I think they might actually relate more to Type AB+. The universal recipient. They offer nothing to anybody. They only take. It took my time, my ear space and even small amounts of electricity. Everything has a disgusting, unctuous sheen that makes this so thoroughly unlikable. Add in bad clap sound effects, fairy tale swells and slap a girl on the cover. You’ve got “This is Hardcore.” Music for people with a pocket full of rohypnol who think they’re the smartest person in the room. 0-0.5 HIGHLIGHTS: I almost forgot to include this section! That was close.

That’s certainly one of the album covers of all time. That’s not one my lazy typos that elude me until these things are updated. It’s a bad stolen joke. Anyway. Let’s get the next train wreck on the tracks. Our First stop gets us to a song that regales us with the heartwarming tale of a slave ship captain who likes to have sex with black women. Music really is a beautiful expression of feeling isn’t it? What is a tent show queen? That’s probably also racist. This song stripped of lyrics is actually great, but I can’t abide by this whole er “package.” Sway was decent? I suppose. My 2024 brain has been broken. I can only imagine a drag queen with a speech impediment. Moving swiftly onward. Wild horses is bad country. I feel like I’ve heard this song covered a billion times. This one might be a cover for all I know but it’s the perfect song to cover for people on TikTok who can’t sing AND have no personality. Is this a good time to mention I’ve never really loved the Rolling Stones? I find them to be grating for the most part. During this pseudo-jazz breakdown in the middle of another boring song, I am feeling justified in that previous opinion. It’s fine. Like just in the middle fine. Alright. Jail song. This is either the entrance theme to hit movie “Holes,” or the ambient music from “Prison Tycoon.” Oh my god. Is Adam Sandler on vocals? This is his exact joke singing delivery. With what sounded like a barrage of insults. It’s not that bad. Probably the best so far, honestly. I hate the horns in this song, but the rest of it is pretty cool. Bitch, eh? This was probably pretty subversive for the day. Now all bets are off, but back then, between this album cover and a song called “Bitch,” some exorcists were definitely called. That’s a good thing in my book. This song is terrible. It’s Aerosmith with a slightly less obnoxious vocalist. The organ has a nice tone, but then that also veers this thing close to the riverboat casino territory. Bad song. Now I’ve got the blues. More white guy blues. Nothing going on here. Oh my god he’s trying to do American Country. Which from the era it’s worshipping, that would be good, but this has dumb piano parts. Saloon-core. Dreadful. Moonlight Mile is ok. I JUST WANT TO LIKE STUFF. I really don’t open these up with the intention of being an asshole. Am I too critical? Has my brain has been ruined by instant gratification loops perpetuated by society’s devolvement into a culture meant to extract maximal profit with minimal quality? Whatever the answers might be to my rhetorical questions, I didn’t enjoy this. Yet again. The instrumentation was bland, the vocals are too much or downright bad, but the songs are the big issue for me. The songs aren’t good. Structures were boring, instrument choices were bad. Attempts at melody come off hackneyed and depths below The Beatles or even the Beach Boys of a similar era. For what we lost in an enjoyable musical experience, we gained in world famous rapper “Sticky Fingaz”, who had a prominent feature on Eminem’s track “Remember Me.” So that really is something. 1.5-2 HIGHLIGHTS: You Gotta Move, Bitch (Not a demand)

Jesus. Well. This could be a massive hit with me. Her vocals were always so cool to me and for whatever reason, even though it’s straight up pop, I feel this one could be in my wheelhouse?? Let me begin my diamond life. Take it away Sade. The entrance music for Alberta professional wrestling cologne model/big hoss Fabian Ribeiro brings us into the album. This feels like I’m in a waiting room, but it’s the waiting room for heaven. A deity dances out to the lobby and lifts me via cloud into my eternal bliss. It’s simply too good. The only issue is, I knew I’d like this one. Where will we go from here?? Staying with the super smooth. While the first operator boasted of his relative smoothness, it continues with the king of love or the love that would be king. Whatever. This is pretty decent. God. It’s so nice. I use the word “grating” a lot in my reviews, and in this one, I’ll be using “smooth” a lot. Not simply because of the mega hit lead off track, but because that is what this album is. It has a warm production quality, it’s a little stark and it’s not beating you over the head with pop sensibilities. It has a minimalistic charm. This song rules. Well. We can’t be perfect. I can’t place it, but I feel like there was a show or movie, where some voice sings what’s happening in the show. Did Seinfeld do that for a bit? Anyway, this was a miss. Uhhh a liveable wage anthem??? Oh. No. She says put the blame on no one else. Boooo. This is a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” type beat. Lyrical equivalent to “uhh maybe if you make coffee at home, you’ll be able to climb out of the sewer we errr I mean you put yourself in.” Still. The music is decent. Getting back to smoothness. This is an excellent radio friendly pop song. Mellow, yet energetic. The lyrics aren’t painful. The instruments provide something and most of all, it’s not grating to the ear. Fantastic song. Debates will rage forever about who had the better “Cherry Pie” song. Was it it our noble Sade, or glam rock fellows, “Warrant”? You be the judge! (It’s Sade). Put your hands together for Sally everybody. A sex work positive slay? I have no idea man. I am not enough of a literary genius to dissect the abstract themes of applauding Sally for housing a heroin fiend father and potentially banging the fellow. Let’s all applaud Sadé. Get to the part about common law marriages. I want to hear about domestic bliss, not this organ solo. Ok there we go. I just had to yell about my love of cohabitation. Oh and also, no more war. No matter what colour. We are Sadé’s brothers. And isn’t that why we’re all here? New brothers. Sade/Sadé brought it big time. The opener rips and there are sparkling points throughout. A few clunkers here and there but for a pop album, this was a trance-like hand dance through the minimalistic fraternity of this Diamond life. Continue to operate smoothly Sade, and shine on you crazy diamond. 3.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Smooth Operator, Hang on to Your Love, Cherry Pie

Ol Nick and I didn’t get off on the right foot. I’m hoping this gets me a little closer to discovering the man as the rest of the virgins of RYM have. The album cover is cool! Oh boy. Drunk Vegas Elvis is back. The lyrics are good! Everything else? From the dial tone backing track to the theatrical Disney villain delivery, I’m not in love. Oh Nick. Just let me like you. The true crime in this song is the lip smacking. Is this growing on me? It’s not terrible. Kind of enthralling in its odd way. The PJ Harvey vocals are a nice touch. The song started really strong but kind of faded. Don’t groan like that Nicholas. Mr. Cave, if you will. I won’t, but someone may. This song sucks. The blowing wind is just kind of too loud. Actually, the blowing wind isn’t the only thing blowing here. Haha. Nice. Kylie Minogue? No, don’t autocorrect to Kylie Minotaur. Why is she not performing a club slaydown??? Anyway. She is whispering a boring pseudo murder ballad next to cosplay Whole Foods Elvis. Next. Oh god. Punk moment. Followed by Polka. This is absolutely a Disney song. I can see millennials rallying around a Facebook post featuring this song superimposed over an animated character from their childhood. “Erm sir, you have just won le internet for today. Epic win.” I for one, do not think this is an “epic win” at all. It sounds like a truck commercial run through a Yosemite Sam AI song generator. Bad news all around. Alright. Slowing down a bit. Kind of shocking lyrically but it works here. I just. Ugh. I cannot handle his vocals. It elicits a high degree of cringe. Richard SLAY??? Oh. Slade. Boring. The background instruments bring to mind U2, which is an insult of the highest order. To say the woman crying was an UPGRADE to the sweeping 50s prom riff should tell you how I’m feeling about this. Oh my god. Cool standup bass? Jazz cymbal splashes? Aaaaand there’s the piano and vocals. This is blues for people who hate blues, jazz and indeed, themselves. Well. Two songs to go. Fitting we stop at a bar. That is normally where you’d see a bad Elvis impersonator. Yes. I’ve been to the Elvis well a few times, but you have to forgive me, this album doesn’t provide much in the way of left turns. Of course it’s 15 minutes. Sweet Jesus this is nothing. Oh good. Can you imagine sitting in the studio while this moron gyrates and mumbles over the close to this thing? Shut up. The ensemble track. Here we go. We are the world. We are the hipsters. Note. I do like Shane McGowan. Otherwise, this sounds like happy birthday sung to you in hell. We all should hope death is the end. Be honest. Is it because he looks weird? Is it his skull shape and the fact he wears suits? He’s not good. This is not good. Once again, the genius public have determined profundity based on appearance and personality rather than on musical output. Great job everybody. Each ballad here was indeed murdered, and their murderer? The eccentric weirdo who has pulled the proverbial wool over the eyes of millions of music dorks worldwide. Congrats Nick. You’ve produced another dead rabbit from your very tall hat and convinced the public it was an allegory for something rather than incompetence. No magic to found here. Just the bloated corpse of intrigue, bleeding out upon the tiles of mediocrity. 0.5-1 HIGHLIGHTS: Stagger Lee?

Mr and Mrs. Education. That’s all I got for this intro. Can’t all be winners. Let’s see if this album can break away from our foray into Nick’s horrid Cave yesterday. Oh buddy we’re rappin’ big time. Pretty good. I don’t need the melodic chorus. Unless it’s a sample, that often ruins rap for me. Good beat, fun flow, aggressive delivery, only hampered by a reliance on a lame chorus and overstaying its welcome. This song has a good beat. Good underlying rhythm, but man is this ever not for me. The overdone vocals are bleh. I can’t do the late 90’s/early 2000’s R & B sound. The breakdown close to halfway through the track saves it. Get out of that register. THEEEE JOOOOYYYYYYY. Not good. Not for me and also not good. I’m doublin’ down. Lots of leaving the G off today. I’m enough “G” for the whole review I suppose (I am not a G). I am however, a hater of rap interludes. These barely audible talking segments are death. That thing. This song is very popular, is it not? 514 million plays. Good lord. It’s fine. More rap, which I find works better. She has an excellent delivery, but I don’t care for the melodic aspects of this. “Hip hop started out in the heart and now everybody is trying to chart.” Proceeds to do a primordial Destiny’s Child song. While Alanis has a weak grasp of irony, I’m sure even she could pick this one up. Again, the rap portions are excellent. The rest is bunk. Here we go. The flute beat, the menacing delivery. HEEEEELLLLL YEAH. Finally. Israel?? Problematic. Palestine also mentioned. Way to go Lauryn. This thing rips. More bad R & B. It’s up there with reggae and vocal jazz for genres I can’t abide. It’s so reminiscent of the early 2000’s. It brings to mind big dumb skate shoes, baggy jeans and those music videos that look like they were shot on the inside of a cheese grater. Not MY nostalgia. Big thanks to Lauryn for breaking breakup songs down to their core essence. I used to love him, and now I don’t. Easy to follow although near impossible to sit through. This is starting to really drag. This song reminds me of trying to sleep with a stomach flu. So very tired, but being roused by constant pain and waves of nausea. Oh sweet Jesus. Was this song in Shark Tale? The phrase “not for me,” continues to bubble to my fingertips. We’re at a boil now. Man. More R & B eh? American Idol vocal runs accompanied by dumb snaps and a feature from the imperious D’Angelo. Isn’t that the guy from season 1 of the Wire? Well, based on this performance, I’m hoping I never hear anything ever again from this guy either. WHY IS THIS ALSO 6 MINUTES??? The phrase “masturbatory” might apply to much of this. Certainly fits like a glove on this terrible cut. Rap portions were good. Rest of the song sounds like the backing for an uplifting montage in a Lindsay Lohan movie. It’s time to shut it down. Let’s get out of here. Wrap it up. Lauryn is vocal running past the go home light. And we’ve arrived. That could have been shaved by 30 minutes. One album of songs and one album of outros and vocal runs for the real “sophisticated music listener.” I think some albums are released for the artist, and some are released to be well received. Consideration of audience is the death of art, and despite the personal title and the frequent third person referral, this album reeked of an outward cry for validation. I think the rapping was fantastic and filled with menace, purpose, and a deft touch, while the singing and features turn this thing into a bloated American Idol audition compilation tape. A little pitchy dawg and it’s a no from me. 1.5-2 HIGHLIGHTS: Final Hour

Cover? Bad. No shrek version of Hallelujah. That’s strike 2 Mr. Wainwright. If that is your real name. I think the title of “Mr. Wainwright” is probably taken by an off-duty oil man who drank the most Jell-O shots at some fly by night bar in the titular northern Alberta town. Stiff competition Rufus. Oh what a world. He omits the “wonderful.” Already a slap in the face of Louis Armstrong. Bold. I respect it. Also, it just dawned on me that ol’ Rufus is Canadian. Huge miss on my end. This music is actually pretty cool. Lush and grandiose. Like it’s bellowing through an empty church. Good atmosphere, but the vocals are not my favourite. That normally doesn’t play out well for the review. Noooooo. No. Nope. In the wise words of that one weird Italian (?) guy from that one “I Think You Should Leave” sketch; “Stinky.” Good lord. Boring and yet somehow also truly terrible. Only a vicious world could produce something this abhorrent. Alright. We’ve truly decided the direction we’re going into I suppose. The melodies continue to disappoint and the vocals continue to stay at the same annoying tone. Things are not going well for the Canadian here. Is it too late to disqualify him for being born in the USA?? I even checked Wikipedia. We all know about divorced dad rock, but have you heard of divorced mom rock? Rufus was making brave new strides in this still burgeoning genre. This was bloated and smelled like wine. I felt empty listening to it. Go or Go Ahead is a brief respite. A little bit more of the emotion I’m looking for. A better melody for starters. Some energy for finishers. It’s, by no means “good,” and it sounds a little bit like Coldplay not looking for radio play, but it provides more than the preceding march through songwriting purgatory. 8 more songs hey? What’s the opposite of Christmas miracle? A Yuletide tragedy? Maybe I’ll trademark that. Nobody beat me to it. Vibrate sounds like the rest of the songs so far. This is an adult Harry Potter enthusiast’s favourite song. Something so very millennial about it. Maybe I need to speak to a doctor. This is the most depressing album I’ve heard in months. Oh good. The same vocal tone again. Should’ve left this stupid vibrato on 14th street pal. Yes, I could’ve made that “joke” on the song “Vibrate,” but I was essentially catatonic listening to this fucking disaster. This song is like a pharmaceutically pacified psych ward patient attempting to sing in a hallmark commercial. Poor Natasha. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment. Bad song. Messy horns. And you guessed it, the same vocal tone. Back to the well. It sounds like he fell down a well and if that would end this, I’d be in favour. My hand would be stuck up in an affirmative vote. 11:11. Make a wish everybody. Shhh don’t tell me or it won’t come true. My wish won’t come true anyway, as I will be listening to the rest of this song and album. I guess the cat is out of the bag. I’m sure it wishes it could go back in the bag. I know I do. Fuck. Another wish down the tubes. How is this not the same song? Please end please end please end please and please end please end please end oh god it’s swelling. Good lord this was atrocious. There’s nothing to even grab onto and make fun of. It’s just the same boring song on repeat. Each track sucks the colour out of the room reaching through the listening device. Vitality vampirism aside, the lyrics weight speak to me and any cool sounds that occurred on the first song were ultimately betrayed in favour of the true intentions of the artist. Apparently those intentions were to exhaust the listener via a barrage of unlistenable songs with a monotone vocal that began to resemble drone music. If nothing else, bad albums are exciting creative outlets for me. “Want One” couldn’t even produce a canvas, let alone the paints in order to produce something of value from this steaming pile of low-budget Coldplay. 0-0.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Oh What a World.

Complicated stuff coming up. On one hand, I think I’ll hate this, and on the other hand, I somehow think it’ll be better than I thought. A TON of radio tracks on the everytown alt rock station, so we’ll see how they hold up when not coming from the beleaguered speakers of my ‘08 Caravan. Sweet Jesus I hate the “hey batter batter” thing already. This band evokes a strong degree of second hand embarrassment. Cringe if you will. Regular readers of my reviews (nobody) can relate no doubt. This is the worst group of people in your city that have decided to form a band. But. This hook IS pretty good. Pretty cool funk rock. It really sounds like he’s saying the power of INequality. Which is much funnier. Anyway. Decent start. “If you have to ask” is a pretty fun “jam-funk” song. Did I just coin the whitest genre name ever? Probably. It’s fun, but wanky as it goes forever. SHEEEEEEE WAS A GIRRRRRLLL. His vocals were always going to be the obstacle here. That tonal quality is lacking in quality. Might turn on my keyboard clacks to drown this one out. Departure from funk in favour of 60’s folk hoots underneath the caterwauling of the human embodiment of chlamydia. Massive lowlight. Funky Monks sounds like the theme song for a Mike Judge cartoon that never made air sung as a military call and response march. Do with that what you will. Good outro at least. Ohhh buddy. We’re getting a big hit. Anything beats these lyrics to be fair. BUT the main riff is seriously great and the bass is earth rattling. Flea’s Fracking Concern™️ Good god. Love this song. The ballad. Man. It sounds almost exactly like “Picnic of Love,” by insane Noise/Grindcore outfit AxCx. Writing reviews is dumb. Well the slinky song stinks. Too many sex lyrics. From a gross group o’ fellas. Ah Jesus I don’t like the War and Peace one either. In the wise re-writing of The Simpsons “See what I’d like, is I’d like to hug and kiss ya.” Get Krusty in here. I’m sure you could get AI to do that. We truly live in hell. Although if I was the same age in 1991 as I am now, maybe seeing 4-5 20 something drug addicts from California be given this musical platform wouldve given me the same view of Dystopia. This song is fine, although the goofy “boinging” noise is pretty repulsive. Oh boy. The title track. I like how the cover includes the words as combined entities. Chili Sex being the highlight of these combos. Anyway. It’s worth mentioning that this cover looks like what would happen if you imagined and combined each of the elements of a deadbeat dad in 2005. Right down to the haircuts. Goofy comparisons aside, this song is not too shabby. Speaking of deadbeat dads. I feel like this has blasted through more than one 2000 Pontiac Sunfire en route to a divorce hearing. 1.5 billion plays. I’ve never been, but I hate the concept of the west coast. The heat, the people, the apparent lack of rules and structure. It sounds like a hellscape. A song that is this popular and essentially a platform for the least talented member of this band to wax poetic about Los Angeles is not for me. It would be MUCH cooler if it were about trolls asking riddles. The bass solo pal. Hell yeah. As hard as Flea is to look at and imagine as a person to actually speak to, buddy can play a bass. This song sucks. More gratuitous yet nonsensical sex lyrics. Reads like it was written by a kid who was held back a couple grades bragging to his much younger classmates about an intimate encounter that never occurred. The riff is almost suicidal tendencies, but as usual, the vocals are giving me suicidal thoughts. Boring. Funk again, but nothing of any distinctive flavour. Hooo until that bass break.damn. Flea really is the glue here. An 8 minute song about an insane Bootsy Collins soundalike called “Sir Psycho Sexy??????” With a god damn E40 bass line?? I’m listening. The lyrics are atrocious BUT with this dumb character, it almost works. This leans more into the unintentional cringe that occurs throughout this thing. Am I inventing scenarios to make this song palatable? Possibly. Either way. I laughed, it’s funky. A good bad song. I don’t know if they’re red hot, but I can say this was a fun outro. I didn’t know what to expect coming into this and I leave just as confused. The output from Flea, the Will Ferrell drummer fella, the bad, drugged up poet and of course, the other guy; was in part funk hero worship, and in many other parts, juvenile diary entry. What those two things equal? I still don’t really know. I had a good time, I had a bad time, and when it’s all said and done, the Red Hot chilli peppers produce music that makes an inconsistent impact. Half of the listening plane is covered with smoking craters, opened up by funk artillery, and the other half is littered with wadded up sheets of paper from Anthony Keidis’ sex therapist’s notepad. 2.5 HIGHLIGHTS: The Power of Equality, Suck my Kiss, Blood Sugar Sex Magick, The Greeting Song (sans vocals), Sir Psycho Sexy

Take it to the notes app. Because yesterday was a “blur” we’re reviewing this 1997 britpop excursion in another application. Will that help the typos? I hope so. It’s unbearable for anybody to read. Anyway, bring in Song 1. And then of course, song 2. Heavier Oasis? That was my hope anyway. If you’ve only heard “Song 2,” you’d be quite surprised by this opener. Count me in that group. This song is kind of boring, honestly. This feels like a track you’d hear in the waning moments of an album. Song 2 is just good. The heavy guitar, the vocals have drive and energy, and the overall distortion provides a chaotic and vibrant atmosphere. Close to a billion plays (probably at least 100,000 with me in the general vicinity), but with an attempt at fresh ears, this one goes pretty hard. Funny song title. Weird vocals. Incredibly cool instrumentation. I really like this one. And back down to earth. This sounds like a cut track from Disney Skate Adventure. 1 or 2. Was there more than one? Whatever. Next. The instrumental oddities have returned which I like, but the melody isn’t working for me. The song overall is just somehow not good. The theme from retro makes me pine for the days before personal audio allowed me to listen to this. A little bit nicer here now. I wouldn’t say that you’re so great, it the buried vocals and the return of distortion make for a nice little song. Not great in the end. Ugh. I don’t know man. Ooh the death of a party is a good proposition. Time to go home. Not be at a party. Hang yourself. Excellent idea of an evening. This isn’t a cry for help. That was a lyric. Whatever man. If you’re reading THIS deep, you’re either me or you need some sort of medical intervention. I think I’m starting to need some medical intervention. Another slog through the doldrums. Ohhh boy. Upbeat, punk-ish. Almost an interlude type song, but a burst of vigor. Super cool start. Tapers off as it goes on but dman near jolted me out of my seat to kick off. Last two songs have been an increase. Ahh this feels like a bizarro version of a song I’d love. It’s fine, but it has many of the elements I search for. It sounds like a criticism of America AND it has indie folk-ish tendencies. In the end, it doesn’t have enough heart to be truly great. Pink Floyd has begun drafting a Cease and Desist. Why now? You may ask, and that is a good question considering this album is 27 years old and they’ve had ample time. It was all about getting the right lawyer. Took years. Finally, in this review, I have broken the news that Pink Floyd is suing Blur, for sounding exactly the same as Dark Side of the Moon. That’s why you stick around in these bad boys. Next song please. Movin’ On started hot, tapered off. Ugh. I’m so bored. Essex Dogs is an odd, cool closer. Really liked this one. This album reminds me of hearing a conversation through a wall. You hear sounds that resemble words but you don’t know what they’re trying to say. This has the general ethereal shape of an exciting indie album while not fully ever forming into a cohesive statement. While the shape of it did spark my imagination, I found myself wishing for that imagined album rather than engaging with what “Blur” actually delivers. I appreciate the effort, but Blur sort of lived up to their name and went by in a blur with nothing to drag me out of the trance. 2.5 HIGHLIGHTS: Song 2, Country Sad Ballad Man, Chinese Bombs, Essex Dogs

Why? An hour of late era Madonna. Listen. I’m less than 100 albums into this thing, but I can imagine there won’t be any death metal, minimal thrash metal and very few interesting oddities. Hell, even jazz has been elusive and I thought this list would be rife with new jazz discoveries. I’m already mad at this album. I haven’t heard it and I believe this shouldn’t be here. My initial belief is that there are 1000 albums released IN THE PAST 10 YEARS that surpass the value of this, but only Madonna can prove me wrong. Now that my biases are on full display. Take it away, artist past her glory. She’s in her Julie Andrew’s era. That’s probably the gayest thing I’ve ever said. This is Microsoft headquarters elevator music in 1999. Is it too late to request a substitute for this album? I don’t know what to say. When an album is trying to be this understated, there is nothing to review. People get so wrapped up in making music that is so gentle and so palatable, that they forget to prepare something to fucking listen to. This is nothing. Hell yeah brother. Attach the laser beams to my roller skates pal, I’m putting down my orange pop and rippin’ out on the rink. I then fall in a heap and am trampled by 350 middle schoolers on an activity field trip. I am rushed to the hospital with a suspected concussion and broken clavicle. That’s how this song FEELS. I asked for SOMETHING in the previous track review. This is something, alright. This is a complete atrocity. War crime. Inoffensive water based cell phone ring tone underneath an ex pop star on quaaludes. Lyrics written with a cynical sneer by some moron writer who churned out 200 plus pop tunes that year. Oh buddy. Commence the club banger. This would be playing in the club in a movie funded by Madonna and John Travolta. It’s actually not the worst song but in a completely ironic way. Pretty funny. Does anything matter? Madonna certainly seems to think nothing does. Why oh why did she continue this pursuit then? The worst so far. MAKE IT STOP. As we enter the “middle aged white lady has spiritual awakening” portion of this album, I just want to remind all white people that while you may think your own culture is “boring” or “uncool,” it doesn’t mean you get to latch yourself to someone else’s. Develop a personality and while cultural appreciation and self-education should be encouraged, whatever this is truly fucking sucks. Back to Michigan, faded pop diva. We’ve recovered from our mid-life crisis to return to our mid-album crisis. Frozen. Uhhh. Something about the movie, uhhhh errrr uhhh fuck. How about just BADonna. Saved it. The power of good-bye is truly the greatest of powers. Imagine saying goodbye to this piece of trash album? I can picture it like I’m walking into an idyllic cloud kingdom. God how I pine for that future. Hold music for a suicide hotline. They had to change it out as it decreased call volume for the wrong reasons. I thought it was over. Two songs. That’s it. I can do it. Fuck I almost forgot how to dream. Thanks Madonna. I owe you one. I’ll repay it now, with a tip: retire. Quit. You’ll make more in a month than I’ll make in a decade off of Spotify royalties alone. Travel the world. Hug your loved ones. Burn your albums. Just stop perpetuating this. Let’s get a song about a monstrous lab creation where a girl is turned into an aquatic beast!! A “MerGirl” if you will. This will be cool right? Oh. It’s a whisper pop song belched out by an aged former star with a whiff of spiritual nonsense that ultimately goes nowhere and provides nothing? Who could’ve seen that coming? Nerds love this album. Maybe it’s not me who hates music. This album is a collection of near silent, yet not silent enough pseudo songs. It’s gruel. It is flavourless sustenance for people to ignore in waiting rooms, car dealerships and bad movies. Just there to coat the walls like slimy, outdated wallpaper without any sense of kitsch or whimsy. Oddly racist club tracks in amongst a sea of washed out nothingness. An attempt at producing oceanic atmosphere ends up the waterlogged corpse of a career that while never musically capable was at least somewhat alive. 0 HIGHLIGHTS: smoke billowing from the eyes of a cursed token. Gods consume the dying seconds of each passing hour. Floating heavenward adrift in purgatorial anguish, the steam rises from an endless ocean. Searing the once faithful few as their loyal vessels melt into the endless expanse of human suffering. Penance is paid.

“Chirping.” Golly gosh mister, these crickets really do chirp don’t they? At least they knew not to make 2 hour albums back then. Also, big update, the men on this cover are all under 22 years old from what I researched. This looks like a reunion of the fathers at a wedding party. Is this a gay love song? “Oh boy, the world can see, you were meant for me.” Progressive 50s slay. Repetitive and a little silly but it was fun. Not fade away had to be in Mafia II. Great game. Anyway. This song pops pretty hard. Jumps out at you, but runs out of ideas after a minute or so. A little uhh “forceful” with his “love” too. This guy is pining for some love, man. Another fine little love song. Not great though. Fine as in mediocre. Man, another one just fades by. It’s not keeping me and the lyrics are too same-y. Weak men cry eh? Well while that archaic belief may be forgiven, this song is better than the last few. A little bid more sad. A little more stark. Good one. “Tell me how” these are different songs. They’re the same. Oh god this one is so good. Rips. The big hit but it’s damn near perfect. Catchy, mournful, confident. I’m just listing RYM tags now. Whatever. Beauty of a song. Another fine song. Holy hell you were an hour late for a date and she left with another guy???? Man. You were an asshole, but I think you dodged a bullet here, brother. The crickets are back here sounding like Migos with the call and response ad libs. Pretty catchy one. Not bad. BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH. That was fun. Call me the 4th cricket pal. Nobody is going to call me “the fourth cricket.” That’s the real tragedy here. Last night. A pretty sweet love song. This one stands out as one of the better songs here to me. The boys are hitting the “BAH BAH BAHs” super hard, and Buddy is once again singing about love and crying. The formula works. The operatic church lady vocals finish off what was considered a pop song. Wild. A pretty lame Elvis style closer. Not my speed. In and out in 25 minutes. Hell yeah. Good work fellas. Leaves me time to go listen to Buddy Holly by Weezer. The true aficionado’s pick for Buddy Holly based music. Buddy Holly and the crickets did indeed chirp, and while a lot of this was teeny bopper silliness, there were some excellent songs in here delivered by a charismatic and interesting vocalist with a capable backing band. I smiled for much of it, mostly hearing how quaint the pop music of the day was, but it did deliver punch when it counted. The band may look like children who have worry lines over a pending divorce settlement but hey, the 50s were tough on everybody I suppose. The music, however? Not too shabby. 2.5-3 HIGHLIGHTS: It’s Too Late, That’ll be the Day, Last Night

Oh yeah buddy. I’m about to parachute into ‘Nam. Other than the spectre of sending poor kids to die in the name of fighting *checks notes* communism. Are we sure Vietnam didn’t have any oil? Anyway. Pretty stoked to check out CCR and the fellas. YES. This song rules. It’s in my regular rotation. It’s cool, and not over the top. Jeez I hope this song isn’t about the green river killer though. Sort of makes my celebration during it seem a bit morbid. Another one that is in my “liked” songs. A big ol Commotion. I mean I can’t criticize this, but this was just fine. The country fried ballad. This one sounds like the ending to an Adam Sandler movie somehow. Not for me. ALERT 🚨 CLASSIC inbound. I mean this song is great. What can you say?? I mean that is my job technically. Uhhh more like “good song rising.” Good god. More slow, ballad type beats. Uhh man these are starting to melt together. This review is truly awful today. I suppose the album isn’t gripping me the way I thought it might. A pretty run of the mill song. I guess I could say that about many of these so far. Sinister purpose is pretty decent. The wailing guitars throughout are good. They break up some of the monotony of this one. The white guy blues is usually a big X thrown up, family feud style, but this is rad as hell. Almost psychedelic in spots. Never thought I’d enjoy a white guy blues song. This is a calling/beach song that is played silently from a jeep while you swat away mosquitos. NOT my style. Glory Be? My like Glorified Outro. This thing has some fantastic songs spurred on by an extremely powerful vocalist; however, there is a lot more roll than rock here. Laid back to a fault, CCR produced moments of brilliance on “Green River,” only to be mired in the jungle-esque muck of some mediocre songs. There were diamonds, but there was certainly some rough. This schizophrenic combo of fantastic tracks and throwaway jam tunes make this one a listenable experience that doesn’t reach the heights I had hoped for. 2.5-3 HIGHLIGHTS: Green River, Commotion, Bad Moon Rising, The Night Time is the Right Time