1984

Despite the obvious cheesiness, excess and appeal to the LCD, I have to give Van Halen credit here for at least adding SOME musical variety and attempting to have a semblance of self-aware humor, something sorely lacking from their contemporaries. By no means does that make the music enjoyable, and make no mistake, it does not hold up almost 40 years later, and I would never consider including it in a time capsule of 1984's music, so consider my rating of 2 stacks of textbooks as extremely generous, and an acknowledgement that hey, maybe they did earn that D- in high school chemistry after all, without sleeping with the teacher. 📚📚

Yawn!! So bland! Okay, "Jump" is a fun song, no doubt about it. But that's the only track I like even a little bit. Songs with titles like "Hot for Teacher" and "Drop Dead Legs" manage to achieve both bland AND misogynistic. I'd give this a 2.5 if I could - there are some fun moments but it's otherwise boring. I'm rounding down because it's just so pedestrian.

Вау! Этот альбом так быстро пролетел! Я не помню совершенно нихуя, кроме одной песни! Однотипный инструментал и до смерти забитые тематики текстов совершенно не делают этот альбом лучше. Для заднего фона пойдёт, но полноценно слушать здесь совершенно нечего. (5)

Mediocre 80s hair metal, which is not my favourite genre. A few good moments, and a rubbish pop hit ("Jump") does not make an essential album. Not for me, but better than Nico and Morrisey (and quite a few others on the list).

Least favorite VH

Just not good or important enough

The guitar work was very good, but this is just not really my type of music.

Nope, hier word ik als mens niet blij van. Was ik maar een gnoe, of een alpaca, dan werd ik hier denk ik wel blij van. Maar als mens.... nee.

On the positive side, it's short. Also, I did like Jump. But, how shall I put it diplomatically? I despise the mundane, uninspiring, and bland waste of time that passed for American rock music at the time (and often still does).

I mean… it’s Van Halen at the height of their schtick. Glorious hair metal. It is what it is. Sorry, but bring me some thrash and leave the hairspray at home.

Just vile and kind of offensive.

Cheesy 80’s hair metal, very dated.

Not a van Halen fan. Jump. Panama.

Literally 1984. Hair metal is just Gen X's version of nu metal - cool at the time, mostly completely embarrassing today, some people still swear it aged well. Van Halen, Bon Jovi, Mötley Crüe, Def Leppard, KISS.. who the hell cares dude. Eddie was an insanely talented guitarist though, can't deny that. Should have played better songs, sorry.

meh

Meh.

Not my genre, sounds really dated.

The mind-blowing-ly good musicianship on all parts is the only redeeming factor of this album

Kyl mä tän varmaan ostaisin kirpparilta jos saa femmalla tai alle vinyylinä, mutta kyl se melkeen häiden jatkoille bookatulla dj-keikalla ainoastaan sois. Pari ”kovaa” hittii mut aika tylsä muuten. 2/5

Obviously some real bangers. But about 80% of this album just felt repetitive and boring.

It was fine, nothing remarkable

Just not that interesting tbh. Jump is a banger but even then only because it reminds me of movies.

Funny this came around Josh saying in the LD that Van Halen was 100% dad music. Not my bag

Overall this record is slightly less ridiculous than I thought it would be. "Jump" and "Panama" are cheesy hits, but given the right context, their punchiness can trigger smiles and even ironic exhilaration. Everything after is just a pretext to make Eddie Van Halen shine, and I guess you have to admit his guitar playing is impressive. Oh, and those synths come back for a track on side two... But at this point, who cares? Does all of this make *1984* an essential album? Not for me. I can be open-minded for dumb stuff sometimes, but you need a music that doesn't sound totally artificial and tasteless, as is the case here. "Daft" doesn't necessarily mean pointless. That's the lesson punk music taught us all. Number of albums left to review or just listen to:  more than 800, I've temporarily lost count here Number of albums from the list I find relevant enough to be mandatory listens:  approximately a half so far  Albums from the list I *might* include in mine later on: a quarter Albums from the list I will certainly *not* include in mine (many others are more important): the last quarter (including this one)

Eddie Van Halen er mjög flinkur á gítar. Lögin eru ekki öll leiðinleg. Ekkert þeirra er beinlínis skemmtilegt, en ætli Jump komist ekki næst því. Ætla ekki að spila viljandi aftur.

It was the 80's. Loud and obnoxious. Jump always was a good song. In the midst of a lot of loud is Eddie Van Halen's guitar.

Caught between pleasing the questionable tastes of the 80s and the usual VH desire to shred the threads of reality through riffs, this one falls a bit flat as a whole album. It shocked me when I learned 'Jump' was a Van Halen track for how synth-reliant and cheesy it is, and you expect me to believe this can live alongside 'Hot For Teacher' and form a coherent whole? Some bright moments here but overall just a misfire of an LP in my book.

Jump is one of those songs that I always think of synonymously with 80s music... it's a great track, but I couldn't get into the rest of this album really, felt quite aged.

classic sounds at places, but of an era

Yawn

As technically proficient as the instrumental portion is, it isn’t terribly interesting. The vocals ruin it anyway.

Von allen Fitzlern fand ich Eddie Van Halen immer am musikalischsten und habe ihn dafür immer geschätzt. Aber diese Platte ist bis auf Jump echt nicht gut. Und auch das Solo in Jump ist nicht sooo gut.

Van halen? more like van, hajde odavde iz mojih ušiju. 2 zbog jump

Oh, znam pjesmu Jump, dobra je. Kad sam slušao album na putu do posla, okrenuo sam kapu naopako i nisam htio pozdravljati ljude jer sam badass, al sam ipak pozdravljao, al nisam djecu koja su išla u školu - valjda se neki red treba znat.

Really. 1980s American cock rock. One of the best 1000 albums of all time. Hmmmph. Impress me...I hope Jump isn't the best track cos I'm not a fan. Roth is an obnoxious arsehole. EvH is a great guitarist...but if I'm gonna lay into Yeezus for its lyrics its only fair to point out the shite that runs though this load a bollocks. (Hot for Teacher is exhibit #1) 2.

Although there is the odd moment - this isn't for me

American guitar pop

the synth opening for JUMP is good. But other than that, this is annoying to me.

Hit after HIT!! That's the first comment on the YouTubes. I disagree, it's more shit after hit. The YouTube comments for this album are a treat. you can tell what generation their fans are instantly. This guy sums it up. This song is #3 in my top-5 underrated Van Halen songs. 1. Fools 2. Sinner's Swing! 3. Top Jimmy 4. Could This Be Magic? 5. Big Bad Bill (Is Sweet William Now) If someone didn’t know who VH was and asked me to give them only one song to try and get them into VH, I would give that person Fools. It has it all. Improve, energy, riffs, pounding rhythm section, killer backup vocals, etc, everything that is VH to me. How could they leave that song off their setlist for all these years? It was one of their first ever original songs and is found on their live recordings from their club days but never played on any major tours after WACF came out. WTH?! Sinner’s Swing is a killer song! 2nd song on their FW tour setlist and never played again. Ugh! Top Jimmy is where I get when people say that Ed was a better rhythm player than given credit for. It has a killer intro and mean riffs in a funky weird song. It’s definitely VH, alright!  They were just showing off when they did Could This Be Magic and Big Bad Bill. I know BBB is cover but still. They are showing off just how talented and versatile they were. What other successful mainstream band could pull off songs like those? That’s like Black Sabbath recording a country song or Air Supply covering an Accept song. Music could go on for another million years but there will never be another Mighty Van Halen! 🇺🇸

Rubbing bacon on my clit and listening to Van Halen. What a beautiful evening.

Awooga

Interesting instrumentals ruined by incredibly cringe lyrics. This type of rock music is not for me

Might as well jump.

Not a fan. Really dislike the space-like synths. Melodies in the guitar solos have no emotion, only bragging. Some tunes are catchy, I guess.

Kb alter

How does anyone enjoy this? Still better than bon Jon bovine at least 2

I was pleasantly surprised with their debut album, chock-full of hits and catchy guitar licks. This one not so much.

So much of this album is style over substance. The guitar work here is genuinely way ahead of its time and extremely impressive on a technical level, but it always gets rolled into these generic cock rock songs that sound more dated than ever.

Never really liked Van Halen

Yep - we all love a bit of Jump - it's iconic But the rest of this now... just feels tired Like it was made in 1984 I suppose...

Way too cheesy for my tastes

Probably fairly groundbreaking but it comes across as it was created by moderately talented people with short attention spans.

A couple of interesting tracks but also a lot of filler. Not really going to listen to this one again anytime soon

It's hard to genuinely listen to this and not feel like it was put on ironically. These songs have appeared in too many things and it's such a fake, put-on vibe. The musical talent is undeniable, but the styling is not for me.

I love a lot of 80s hard rock but this just felt built specifically for MTV. Jump is a great throwaway tune and I like Panama but the rest of it left me totally cold

Say what you will but this was short at least

It is what is is, yo.

Utterly generic

poodle rock

I mean, it’s Van Halen. It’s not bad - just not my cup of tea. There will always be a time and place for Jump. Unfortunately, there’s just not much of those for the rest of the album for me.

pretty rubbish 80's rock but jump is a classic

It's just not for me. Jump is great and I can see the influence on bands I like such as MLB, but I think as I wasn't into it at the time, it's going to be a struggle to get it now. Great to hear EVH's guitar playing properly though, even if it is masked in synth overload.

Ooops not one in my Vinyl collection TBH... some 80's rock was a bit grim wasn't it. Jump is about it for me!

Silky cock rock

Ehh... can't say i'm into this sort of music. More about the flashy guitars than cresting beautiful unique soundscapes, and the meh lyrics don't make up for that loss of enjoyment.

Unos heroes del rock quisieron hacer pop y les salió muy bien, que no opinen los puristas, excelente sonido, escuchar las cuerdas de eddie es barnizar tus oidos, y no solo con la guitarra, hits muy clásicos

... Ok.

2/5

Well, that album when downhill fast. The guitar-drive, heavy metal pop work really well through the first few tracks on 1984, but things fall apart after Panama. The first track is a great lead up to the record, but the rest just feels empty. Eddie Van Halen's guitar talent is undeniable, but David Lee Roth is hilariously incompetent as a frontman/lyricist. Fav Tracks: Panama, Jump, 1984 Rating 2.5/5

It’s so lame. Accept the guitar, the guitar is great.

I love a lot of 80s hard rock but this just felt built specifically for MTV. Jump is a great throwaway tune and I like Panama but the rest of it left me totally cold

Boring and didn’t hold my attention but glad it was quite a short album.

Classic but not my favorite

Jump is cool! :)

Wird nicht besser mit mir und van halen

Hair metal has never been my thing, though jump is very fun

This album is just the songs Jump and Hot for Teacher. It's alright. And boy is eddie good at soloing. But there's not much elsewhere.

I've heard most of these songs individually but never together. I'm not a fan.

Great drums and guitar work. Not a fan of synth and DLR vocals. Favorite Tracks: I'll Wait

Meh

I understand and respect why some people think this album is great. Perhaps colored by hearing my brother (and MTV) playing this endlessly when I was a kid, I just cannot get into it. Rockin' jams, great guitar playing, but it just always feels like unimportant and uninspired music to me. I supposed I could find things in my library that I love that might also seem unimportant, but that's where I land on this one. It's not a dish I'd partake in very often.

Had none of what made VH good.

Overrated

Familiar songs. 80s rock

stupid

Hideous neo-liberal dystopia. At least Orwell’s 1984 had songs.

No good for me. I struggled to get through this LP. This album can go Jump... Also the artwork sucks - looks like AI made it back in 1984.

Jump sucks so bad man... I've heard so many covers and all of them suck just as much as the original. So needless to say this album started out on a really rough foot and didn't get much better. Favorite(s): None Least: Jump Probably others but I forgor 1/5

Fav: Top Jimmy L: kind of all of them 1 Man, people really thought this was peak sound back in the 80’s. Jump has been wheeled out for so many advertisements since then. I don’t care for pretty much any part of this, for me the most interesting songs musically have the worst lyrics. If you like the sound then I guess there’s something here for you but to me this is just obnoxious. Actually the way I disliked the Fats Domino album is sort of how I feel about this one strangely enough, they’re both weird time capsules to times and places I feel no affinity or interest toward. Cover: 3 there’s something to think about here. Name: 3 if this didn’t come out in 1984 it would be way worse. Minecraft Parody: Enderman (Panama)

An uninspired pervert’s lament

Is this as bad as Van Halen's other album on the list, which I reviewed earlier? I think it is. The only thing about this album that interests me is EVH's guitar technique - it's kinda impressive but not always deployed to any relevant effect - and when his pyrotechnics are paired with a shitty song, the outcome is still a shitty song. The lyrics are bad or very bad, I take particular exception to Hot for Teacher (including for the inane drum intro). It's Bad, 1/10.

I like absolutely nothing about this album.

Husk å gi denne karakteren 1. Barnslig cover.

Bortsett fra Jump, som er ganske søplete den også, er det virkelig ingenting her. Uforståelig at dette solgte i store mengder. Et av verdens verste band.

um álbum inteiro baseado em guitarrinha chorando e tap maluco fora o fato de ser glam (que eu odeio) conseguiu ser pior do que eu tava esperando dito isso, JUMP (tan tan tan tan tantantantatna)

While Eddie is a guitar god, this album is just trash. Van Halen had some great music but this 80s drivel highlighted by the misogynistic Hot For Teacher should be removed from distribution in my opinion. As a child of the 80s it pains me to say that some music should never have been made and released and this is on that list.

Absolute guff. All excesses of the 80s laid bare in one record

Didn't reach the highs of 1978 Van Halen. Despite Jump, which is a catchy song, too much screeching and questionable lyrics leave this in one star territory.

Very basic rock and the kind of arena rock that I hate.

VH - "Look at all the fancy flash note I can play." Me - "But why would I want to listen to them?"

Awful awful awful

favs: 1984 jump rating 1.2/5

not for me

no no no no no no no no

They shred but do their lyrics have to be so stupid. I’d rather not think about a kid banging his teacher, thanks. They have a lot of technical skill, but they don’t use it for good.

Total pish

I'm with Jim and William Reid on this one. Apparently they have caused a stir recently in an interview by describing Van Halen as one of the worst guitar players in the world and ruined rock guitar music during the 80's and 90's. This is horrible stuff and so were all all the other soft rock bands who imitated this rubbish.

I gave it a chance, I swear. It did nothing for me, but at least its a short album.

very effective anti-smoking ad. smoking has never seemed more uncool!

I put this off all day and ended up having to listen to it the next morning. I just really wasn't looking forward to it at all. For me, the intro is pointless - it's too short to hold any real interest for an instrumental. Jump is fine, but the synths are just SO synthy. Panama is boring and I really don't like the William Shatneresque spoken-word bit. There's just too much instrumental noodling for the sake of it, for me to enjoy this, and certainly too much for me to carry on going track by track in this review. I'll be back if something I like happens... ...nope. 1/5 (but not as bad as the ones I hate, this was mostly just dull)

Just no.

not as good as Joni Mitchell’s Blue

My only experience with Van Halen is finding one of their albums in my dad's record collection and being completely shocked. love my dad but I can't help but feel this is music for to numb the mind (or for strip clubs, or for 80s movies) . Panama actually includes a recording of Eddie revving his Lamborghini, taken near the tailpipe. I might be past the point in my life where I could have appreciated this.

No. Just no. Panama awful lyrics. Top Jimmy awful licks. And repeat. Drop Dead Legs sounded a bit ZZ Top like but their Legs song is much better. Yes he can play guitar but to what end.

just a really silly album overall

Everything I hate about the 80's wrapped up in a short 30 minute album

Utter cack

Es gibt kein cliché hafteres 80er, weiße Rocker, Highschool Album als das. Jeder Song ist so oberflächlich. Klar die Gitarre ist nicht schlecht, aber es gibt keine Gefühle die in den Texten verarbeitet werden. Das ist langweilig. Es wäre so eine richtige Filmmusik für: wir fahren in 2 Wochen die Route 66 ab mit 2 Harleys. Das auf Dmax ausgestrahlt werden würde. Das Album ist NICHT gut. 2/10 Jump ist ganz OK, aber das Lied ist noch das beste vom Album. Das Album Cover sagt eigentlich schon alles über das Album. Irgendwie erinnert mich das Album an richtige Amerikaner, Republikaner.

Yikes, Van Halen sucks. The original quirked up white boys/10

Não gosto de rock clássico

meh

Not to my liking, then or now. DLR is overrated. Eddie could definitely play. But that's not enough for me. Their sound is banal and the lyrics did not age well. I can't even give them a charity star (for Eddie's playing). Instead of running with the devil, I just wish Satan (if the thing existed) had kept 'em. 1 "because I have to" star.

genuinely poop, 80s slop

Music to listen to while eating British food.

Turgid cockrock

puh hit am Anfang ok dann unerträglich..c

Terrible

felt like one big whoop

Wank

Made me want to Jump out the window.

Dodgy lyrics, dodgy album. 1 star for Jump!

i honestly hate it

its music for idiots but i'm not upset it was made because it probably had to be for culture reasons i guess. actually the heavy metal guitar noodling shit does make me kind of mad. The jump song immediately made me laugh. Cue someone from an 80s movie "JUMP"ing into a pool

like i get it, but i don’t care. instrumentals are nice tho

Literally only knew like one Van Halen song before this, excited to here more !! Very 80s. Pretty groovy rock !! Fav song is ‘Jump’.

More like albums to die before you hear. Dogshit, like Spinal Tap but not funny. The only good thing about this album is that it's short. Even the cover is heinous. I hate hate hate hate it. I'm fairly ambivalent about grunge, but when I think about how it killed off shit like this, I like it a little bit more.

Not for me.

Not my vibe, but I did really like the first instrumental song

Things I like about the album: The synth melody from Jump with that really cool bass sound underneath it. The drums on Hot for Teacher before the guitar comes in. Everything else sounds awful. Everything I dislike about rock music in one package. Emotionless guitar solos, ceaseless machismo, nothing to spark any kind of feeling.

Every song feels too long. Synth lines are ok sometimes, guitar is too self indulgent to care about being good, drums piss me off, bass exists, vocals and lyrics are just so awful. He was 30 writing like he was 15 and sounding like he was 50. Fade out on the last song fuck you.

Not a fan of traditional all American dad rock particularly and after this it still stands. I thought the start of top jimmy sounded interesting but then it actually started and it sounded like the rest of the album. Wouldn’t listen again.

Ah my favorite genre, music for misogynists

Nah

Technically proficient as the guitar playing may be, it seems more interesting when paired with synths because it manages to create the spark of an identity in the relationship between the two, otherwise it's flavorless. It's difficult to pin anything specific about Van Halen's sound, in comparisson with the avarage rock band of the time; it's just bursts of energy from a completely uninteresting Hard Rock sound. It confuses complexity with electricity and expressiveness. And lyrically, when it's not a complete vacuum, it's just utterly unbearable. Also thoroughly unsexy for a record that is trying to act very horny. Often just disgusting when it ventures through those areas.

Refused to listen.

Oh dear. Indulgent nonsense.

Jump is great, the others not so much.

yani hot hot for teacherı biliyordum ve güzel. ama albümün geri kalanı müthiş boş mu sanki? house of pain belki biraz güzel ama genel boş bir albüm sevgili van halen.

The worst of really over-produced American hard rock. It all just sounds so phoney and soulless. Hate it.

Sorry, but never got the VH bug. I can appreciate EVH, up to a point. But a gimmick is a gimmick, no matter how good you are at it. Diamond Dave is a character and a caricature. Lots of better bands out there. With a lot more to say.

It’s definitely a lot of noise.

This is certainly an album I could've done without hearing before I die!

cba with van Halen tbh

i don't love this album or even like Van Halen. I did listen though, the guitar is no joke here. With that being said i give 2.5/10

Best track was the opening 1.07 min intro. Jump has been overplayed for the last 40 years. Didn’t like them in the 80’s and nothing has changed since. Luckily it was only 33 minutes long. Wont be listening to this again.

One track out of nine is pretty poor. Having said that, the one is a massive classic. 80s, misogynistic. The cover artwork screams all sorts of wrong, white angel smoking, rebel without a cause. That was the evolving 80s for you, some of it better dead and buried.

When I listen to this album I feel nothing. Nothing happens. Nobody cares. Very much of-its-era and not a great era to be of. Lyrics don't mean anything in this era. Emotion? No. No emotion. Progression? No. No progression. Passion? To some, maybe, but this legitimately just sounds like some white guy who can't sing trying to sound cool. Basically equivalent of bad pop punk. I kinda like jump because it's the only one which feels kinda fun. Side note: Not sure if I'm committed to this idea yet, but I might try to do an exact normal distribution of albums. I usually have a hard time with the lower end of a normal distribution, but right out of the gate I have two 1/5s so it might be TOO downskewed. So far the worst album I've listened to on thsi list, but to be fair it's only the second.

Wet, microwaved, cardboard crust. Way too much red sauce. Chunky, high-moisture mozzarella. They might say, "Hey, at least it's still pizza." But is it? The culinary abomination you're putting in your mouth, because you have to eat something, right? Is it? Is it even pizza...?

File under Frat Boy nonsense.

Boring crap album for shit dads

D.N.L.

Horrible, dated rock. I particularly dislike the drumming and bass guitar, as well as the singing and the stupid lyrics.

I know you’ll hate me for this. But it’s really bad, it’s fart rock, it’s the worst front man of all time and a guy shredding. It’s a band I never understood, I hate the songs Jump and Hot for teacher so fucking much. It’s 1980s USA capitalism and cocaine rock, 4th of July BBQ-core. Pls don’t leave me.

Cannot stand Van Halen. Boring, predictable hair rock. Awful period in music.

Not good

We should never speak of this album again. Awful! And yet, as I write this (on my hols, in a local cafe), you'll never guess what's just come on the radio. Go ahead and jump!!

Ох як же мене бісить ван хален 80х, особливо трек Джамп. Я просто ненавиджу це клавішне інтро, а ще більше ненавиджу кліп.

I skipped most of it tbh hot for teacher: I don’t get the point of this long ass intro I’ll wait : the best atp hate these long intros 😑 house of pain : the best I would’ve put 1,5 stars but I can’t so 1 it is

This does nothing for me at all Can imagine them being a fun time live, but it's not interesting listening to this at home. Also grown men saying they're "hot for teacher" is just weird

I hated this.

Rock is not my vibe

stinks. jump is good.

Nah

I can still recall when this record launched. I listened to it a few times and remember being disappointed more at each listen. I feel they were departing from the "heavier" rock sound into more of a lighter hair band sound like Poison and the rest. Panama is the only song on this record worth listening to. I think I ended up throwing it in the trash.

You can’t argue this album made lots of people rich, and so epic in one way. But essential?

From the sublime to the ridiculous. Spent the day listening to Cyndi Lauper's She's So Unusual instead.

a mild foot tap to Jump & then I lost interest.

Awful. I find it funny that this used to be considered metal

Makes me think of those fathers day compilation CDs from the early 2000s

I respect EVH as a guitarist and Diamond Dave as a great rock n roll front man. But man I've never understood the fascination and lauding of this steaming pile of shit of a band. Michael Anthony can fuck right off as a bass player and a human. Alex is the product of a weird sibling nepotism. Cool! you can make your bass drum sound like a motorcycle for a minute before your brother comes in and rips that shine away from you once more. Fuck I hate this band...Jump is ok

Had to check repeatedly that this album was in fact different to the abomination I had early on in the Project. It is, but it's also absolutely identical. The man is talented. The man has no soul. It gains a very marginal uptick for the fact that Jump is a little bit hard to resist. You can do it, but it's a bit hard.

well its very bad, didnt enjoy a second of it, but not as bad as the other albums ive given one star. however people on this website like it too much, so i just have to do this

80er als Album. Laut und nervig. Kaum Abwechslung. Wenigstens schnell vorbei absolut nix für mich. Jump und panama sind wenigstens für ein dummes grinsen gut, aber als ersten 2 Lieder das Highlight. 1/5

Hey they made that song you hear at basketball games…

Oh. The only redeeming feature of this album is its brevity. Though I suppose the cover is vaguely amusing.

This is the 118th album I’m rating. I've always been a bit of a Van Halen hater but I've never listened to an album before so maybe they'll prove me wrong. Adding to my Playlist - Nothing. Not Adding to my Playlist - 1984, Jump, Panama, Top Jimmy, Drop Dead Legs, Hot for Teacher, I'll Wait, Girl Gone Bad, and House of Pain. All in all I liked 0/9 songs. Somehow worse than Elvis Costello.

Everything that’s not Jump, Panama, or Hot for Teacher is cock rock bullshit.

not for me, lowk boring 🥱

Did not like this at all. Very repetitive and all the guitar solos sound the same. Lyrics like “Dig that steam, giant butt / Makes me scream, I get nuh-nuh-nothing” on Drop Dead Legs are awful, and the lyrics overall are pretty bland.

Cover very cool. Songs very bad.

Heard all these songs so many times. I really don’t like this album at all.

Found this album hard to get through. There was a few songs that gave me nostalgia —possibly in a commercial in the early 90s or something but beyond that it’s just not really my vibe. “Panama” is a nice energetic anthem, “Hot Teacher” has some cool riffs, but beyond that I guess I’m just not into this gym-locker-frat-rock 80s vibe.

kind of baffling to call this an "album" you must hear considering the only things even arguably worth hearing here are the singles, which almost every english speaker (ie the primary audience for this book) has probably already heard. no one's gonna get anything out of these album tracks, and even the singles are big dumb meatballs that aren't remotely appealing to me after a first listen and at this point I've heard them all about 300,000 times. bonus points for the cover art being just laughably stupid

80s (and earlier) bands were horny in a way that I frankly don't really get. Like half of these songs are this way. Anyway this wasn't very good. On occasion I might listen to Jump but honestly not really. Everything else is corny guitar that, while probably technically impressive, doesn't really move me.

Look, it's not a decent album when you find yourself thinking, "You know, I think I prefer the Glee cover of this song to the original." several times while listening to it.

Still to this day. I have to explain to so many people that Eddie Van Halen was not my son! A remarkably similar playing style on the guitar but that’s not Ken Chutney’s genes. It’s just plagiarism! 1.2

Annoying. Boring.

Trash

The 80s dripping out of every orifice. I was tired of it less than 5 minutes into the album.

Nah bro

Just not my thing. Overrated and over played.

Sehr Synthesizer-lastig, verstehe nicht was das Album mit 1984 zutun hat (nehme an der Titel ist auf das Buch bezogen) hat insgesamt eine euphorische Stimmung die manchmal Gegensätzlich zum Text steht (jump?)-> Oberflächlich Eine autofahr Platte finde ich Lieder sind melodisch ähnlich meiner Meinung nach und der Bass ist eher monoton im Vordergrund sind Gesang und sinthesizer?

Van Halen probably wouldn't have been for me in the 80s and it certainly isn't today. A couple hits, but nothing I'll be coming back to.

Awful

We don’t need this. We have steel panther who can imitate the guitar explosions and spandex wearing idiocy, but they do it with a huge sense of irony that is missing from this slab of cheesy bollocks.

Just awful

Being forced to listen to hair metal against my will? Literally 1984.

What a disgusting album cover - That alone would have meant I'd never of listened to this album otherwise. Not a fan of this glam rock trash. Album is carried by 3 songs: Jump, Panama, and Hot for teacher. Jump is too crisp and overplayed. Panama is okay, if a little 'basic'. Hot for teacher - starts strong (Daft Punk link) and has a pulsating rythym but the lyrics are pathetic. The rest is average and forgettable.

baaaaaaddddd

pairing guitar virtuosos with a Front Man™ instead of a journeyman always ends in disaster. I cannot stand Roth's vocals or antics. there's some good stuff here but it's all of a time and the dated sounds don't really hit for me

Well that was tedious.

First time listen. Highlights: I’ll wait

bad

Mercifully short. Can't stand DLR's voice. Eddie Van Halen is technically amazing but it does nothing for me. And this album cover is terrible.

1 star! I particularly dislike hard rock and this one was just not it.

I just don't like the singer. If the album was purely instrumental it would be amazing and 5 stars. Smoke on the Water is great though.

It wasn’t 1984 lolz

Nom nom nom

Не слушал

1984 - Spaceshippy; instrumental; not much to say - I guess it works as a decent opener? -3/5 mostly for its inoffensiveness Jump -Familiar refrain; very 80s synthy -Again, a distinctly 80s guitar solo -I'm convinced I've heard this before in a movie or a commercial, but the closest I can think is that it might've been in the 2016 Sing trailer? Because I haven't watched Ready Player One or Glee, and Wikipedia says that, a McDonald's commercial, and Herbie: Fully Loaded are the only places its been featured. -3/5 just for the feeling that I know this, even though probably don't Panama -I'm getting the vibe that this is gonna be a distinctly 80s dad rock album, but not one that I personally will like. -Sprechgesang, mostly, which I like to think I'm not really a fan of (seems to be popularized especially now these days in pop) but I do like some Nick Cave songs, so I don't know -Yeah, I'm not really a fan of this. Just realized I've not been listening to lyrics as much as the guitar line. Says a lot about the fact that I prefer melody. Also, apparently this is about a car? Panama Express? According to Wikipedia -"The Toronto Maple Leafs began to use the song when scoring at home against Original Six teams in the 2023–24 season" SICKENING. -Apparently the US played this when trying to psychologically torture Noriega into coming out. Well. I think it would've worked on me -1/5. Would've been a 2/5 if not for the Leafs part Top Jimmy -I do have to kind of appreciate the sparkly synthy bits of the guitar, which kind of makes me think this must've inspired whoever inspired who inspired etc etc. Radiohead for bits of Let Down -Dad rock guitar solo -Hate the overaffected feminine moaning of "Oh Jimmy" at the end. Knocks this down to a 1/5 probably will not listen to again Drop Dead Legs -I don't hate this much as much as I've disliked the previous couple of songs. Just read about Van Halen and the "brown sound" Described at roland.com as "Van Halen’s guitar tone had distortion. A lot of distortion. Distorted guitar tones were of course par for the course in the 1970’s, but this was something else entirely. The sheer amount of overdrive gain was immense. Also, rather than the sometimes “raggedy” or “harsh” tone that often comes out of heavily overdriven tube amps, this sound was somehow liquid, organic and warm," I don't know much about guitars or the sounds that they should produce, but it does have a sort of liquidy smooth sonic quality. Well I don't hate it. The outro is probably the best part of this -I might include it on a playlist, but I'm not sure I'd listen to it by itself. 3.5/5 Hot For Teacher -Well. I've made jokes about this one, so let's see where/how it goes. I'll Wait -Synthy opening, menacing bassline. Wikipedia says that the Doobie Brothers' Michael McDonald involved. Okay. I think I might be inclined to feel a little less sus of him because Genevieve Oliver put him on a playlist -Sonically, I think it's nothing really intriguing, but the textures of the synths and the distortion and the amps are kind of interesting. Especially when you get that warm brown sound coming back in. -Probably shouldn't have read the part where this is apparently addressed to a rl underwear model who the band didn't know. Feels a little. Not great. -If I wrote Supernatural fanfiction, I'd probably make Dean Winchester like this album. Seems like what he'd like -3/5. Might put it on a playlist one day if it fit. Wouldn't listen to it voluntarily Girl Gone Bad -Moved to car backseat; wasn’t really paying attention. Um it’s just kind of inoffensive and noisy I guess. Didn’t hold my attention so best I can give it is a 2/5 House of Pain -Again, noisy. Last half is just instrumental. It seems a little too hair metal for me. I should probably research why this band connects with people and what the impact of this album is, because it doesn’t do much for me -Also I find the “na na’s” during the instrumental kinda trite 2/5 1.5/2 stars for me overall

Cheesy 80- tals "hair metal". Låter jätte eighties och har allmänt inte förändrats särskilt bra.

Just a genuinely annoying fucking album. I would bet money on every song here being featured prominently in some shlocky Happy Madison production or something of that ilk. Highlights (AKA Things I hated the least) Jump: *** I'll Wait: *** House of Pain: ** 1/2

“Hair Metal” is the worst genre of music

Dogshit except for 3 things and they are not enough: 1) Occasional pyrotechnics from Ed. His influential style has become the norm by this point, but he's still great at it. 2) 'Jump' is a great pop single. 3) That thing where Dave sounds like he was out in the garden by the barbecue and someone calls him inside and he's like: "wuh, aaaaaaaaah. hey oh, yeah!" These songs are bad, ZZ Top want their riffs back and the rest is hair metal with surprisingly dull sounding guitar and dodgy song subjects and lyrics. The band do have a driving AC/DC style chug, but so do AC/DC so listen to them. This did not even make me want to buy a Camaro IROC with the bumper hanging off or get a mullet like 'Eliminator' does. Pan-a-ma! Panama-hah! Pan-a-ma! It's on the street! The heat is (doof doof doof doof) on.

Not for me 1/5

God I hated this. Listening once was too much - I refuse to listen again.

Rubbish. Music as pretentious as the album cover.

This is unpleasant

Utterly uninspiring with a healthy dose of childish misogyny. Was going to get a 2 for the fun guitar playing but, nah.

Nothing jumped out at me.

"To summarise...this album and the genre it belongs too should be sealed in a large container and buried in a secret location...never to be found and/or opened again. 0 Stars!" Couldn't have said it better

80s hair metal just doesn't hold up at all today. From someone with no nostalgic attachment to this kind of music, there's nothing positive or enjoyable I can pull from it aside from a few cool instrumental parts.

I admit it, I just loathe classic rock like this. So much of this is so cringe

Is this hard rock? Unmelodious songs and bad vocals that destroy the songs that sometimes start well. Maybe VH should have done more pop songs.

Juvenile.

no

It's a no from me, This album wasn't made for me, I'm sorry. Just no lyrics or rock elements that got me going. Rating: 1/5 Playlist Track: Drop Dead Legs? Date Listened: 10/01/2024

Terrible cover, terrible music.

22/100

Please go and bore someone else with your silly songs. If you wanna be macho make real macho songs.

Was kinda ass ngl

Yeah... no. This is of a time that I think is best forgotten. On the plus side, it's only 33 minutes long.

One word comes to mind: Clown-Metal.

Awful stuff. Please let me listen to something that isn't 80s American rock.

Jump, track 2, is a thing Nelson hates. We didn't like the album. :( No shade. Uninspiring and repetitive. Best tracks: Panama, I'll Wait

Dated synths, cheesy lyrics, blatant laziness musically and sonically, this record has everything in the shameful sellout checklist!

shit

Poor songwriting and a soulless frontman performance make this iconic ‘80s rock album just simply “rock music” to the barest of bones. The main selling point of Van Halen, being Eddie as the guitarist, displays him showing pure musicianship with little artistic merit, leaving me with a “nothing” taste in my mouth after this album ended.

Big haired shite.

Dreadful on so many levels.

Miserable Didn't listen

Yuck Fav track: Jump

It's Top Jimmy, HE'S the king You know, when Jump kicked this thing off I was like hey, maybe Eddie and the gang are just a bit of fun. We've all enjoyed some synth power-chords. A classic cheeseburger record! What followed was some of the most stupendously annoying cock-rock I have ever had the displeasure of hearing. I thought Drop Dead Legs was handily the worst song I had heard doing this project, but then Hot For Teacher comes along and wins it by a country mile! What I wouldn't have given to tear out this man's larynx after the fifteenth 'neeyyoww', a vocalisation that reminded me in spirit of a baby being sick onto its bib. Favourite track and only redeeming feature of the album is Jump.

‘Jump’ is a decent song… but the Glee version is superior. Other than that, this album was trash, 33 minutes that felt like an eternity in hellfire.

I did not listen to Jump as like the entire population of earth I have heard it a billion times. The rest of the album is somehow worse..Jump has at least a pop sensibility. The rest is hair metal with a touch of synth. An album with no redeeming features at all. As you listen you can hear how it was written for the videos.

Not familiar with Van Halen, but had an impression of them in my head... Jump came on... oh shit, I got Van Halen wrong. Rest of the album... I got Van Halen right. One good song, the rest was woeful, shit lyrics, boring. I am feeling shame listening to it. 1* despite Jump

ugh, sorry not my thing at all. can't listen to this whole thing.

1 for Jump being such a big hit. I’m being very generous here.

Eddie's a great player, and "Jump" was perfectly fine. But this band usually just bores me to tears.

Hair Rock has an age cap that expired decades ago. 1.0

The only thing worse than cheesy butt rock wankery is cheesy butt rock wankery with cheesier synths.

Coming in at 33 minutes, at least it's a short one..

I hate this.

Tää bändi/genre ei oo kyllä tarkoitettu mulle. Vielä huonompi kuin debyytti, 0/5.

not for me.

Liked the album but not much variance in beat / rhythms after 4th song

1 1/2, inte min kopp alls

Oh mein gott halts maul

nein

Not more hair rock. Awful

Fan ta detta album

Stopped listening halfway through Hot for Teacher. Genuinely awful

I hated it

Heb ik niet veel mee.

Aguanté hasta la quinta canción y lo quité. Menudo rollo.

Slucham pierwszy raz, choc sama nazwa obila mi sie o uszy po tym jak Van Halen od ktorego grupa bierze nazwa sie przekrecil na druga strone, przed tym znalem jedynie z kawalkow granych z radia, bo juz po drugim tracku wiem co to jest, bo kto nie zna jumpa, tak klasycznie syntezatorowy kawalek, a im dalej w albumik tym wiecej wyjcowania i ciezkiego walenia po instrumentach, czyli jak dla mnie najgorszego co moge uslyszec, zaraz po slunskich szlagierach, czare goryczny przelal kawalek girl gone bad, zwlaszcza jego druga polowa ktora zamiast wokali wykorzystuje rytmiczne wycie, no bo przeciez girl gone bad, wiec zaczelo sie jak jakis synth poipowy albumik rozkrecalo sie rock z elentami synthu, a konczylo jak metal dla boomerow hamerykanskich, a to wszystko w 33 minuty, na plejliste wrzucam kawalek ktory juz znalem, czyli jump, bo chyba byl on najbardziejsluchalnym elementem calego albumika

Kind of cool

nope