My 1001 Albums Journey

While I'm not surprised to see a Bowie album crop up, I *am* surprised that it's an album from 2013. Sadly, this album feels like the work of an aging artist who's lost his edge. There wasn't a song on this album that caught my ear, and I have to imagine that there are at least 1001 albums out there better than this one. The fact that it's Bowie doesn't automatically mean it belongs on the list.

My initial reaction upon seeing today's album: "Ugh, the Carpenters." Despite a deep desire to just skip it, I decided to embrace the spirit of this exercise and skimmed the album instead. My knee-jerk reaction was justified. This album should have been titled "Music for the Soulless." I'm a white guy. I go out into the sun and I burn within approximately 8.3 seconds. And when the pain and suffering caused by my third-degree burns are over, I return to a mirror-like shade of white. No tanning involved in the process. Despite that, this album is *way* too white for me. It's so white I need sunglasses to protect my eyes from the glare. It's whiter than an albino Mormon eating mayo on white bread in a snowstorm. It is the epitome of every "white people have no soul" stereotype. Tower of Power sang about people catching honky pox, and this album was surely the vector that infected Patient Zero. I literally listened to "Soul Vaccination" after skimming this album, just to be safe. If you need proof of this album's violent blandness and mediocrity, look no further than their cover of the Beatles' "Help." They've turned an incredible song into saccharine schmaltz. It is an atrocity. A crime against humanity so abhorrent that they should have been tried at the Hague for it. It makes one wonder what the world might have looked like if Karen Carpenter had used her vocal talent for good instead of evil. Regardless of the answer, it's ultimately just a fantasy. The reality that cover--and the rest of the album--represents will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.

Most of the album was okay. "Barbarism Begins at Home" was surprisingly funky. But the title track is pure garbage. We get it, Morrissey. You don't eat meat. Good for you. I'll see about getting you a medal. But saying meat eating is pointless and unnatural is objectively false (the point is sustenance and our incisors and canines are proof that it's natural). If you're going to shit-talk the meat industry as a whole, there are plenty of valid arguments to choose from. Bringing weak shit like "it's pointless and unnatural" would get you slaughtered in even the lowliest of middle school debate clubs. Also, does riding around on that high horse everywhere you go constitute animal cruelty? I feel like it does. You gotta give that poor nag a break every now and then, dude. Sincerely, Someone who understands the criticisms of meat eating but loathes shittily-constructed arguments from pretentious douchecanoes. (Let's call this a 2.5.)

Guess I woke up on the unforgiving side of the bed, because this Teen Dream was a bit of a nightmare. But it's as advertised; it's sung in the key of "maudlin teen." Personally, I'd rather listen to Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" on repeat than listen to this album again. It's a no from me, dawg.

I know MC5 for one reason: the Presidents of the United States of America covered "Kick Out the Jams" on their debut album. The Presidents' version is far more polished, which is hardly surprising given how raw MC5's original is. And that raw sound—which borders on amateurish at times—defines the entire album. But that's not criticism; it's what makes the album quintessential proto-punk. The fact that it was recorded live emphasizes the lack of polish and allows their personality to shine. I was originally set to give this three stars, but then I listened to it again ... and again. And a little more. And it holds up. The track that stands out the most is "Motor City is Burning," not necessarily because it's better than the rest, but because it's the bluesy eye of the sonic storm, providing a stark contrast from the proto-punk chaos that surrounds it. But I'm not seeing a throwaway track here. They're all solid. The album's loud and dirty and imperfect, and that feels just about perfect.