1984

not my cuppa tea. i didn't like the album in 1984 and i still don't. Except, Hot for Teacher... that song is kind of rad.

Pas mon style de musique, mais pas si pire...

"Jump" is of course a hit and well known. The rest of the album is unknown to me and I don't like it.

I've never been able to get on with Van Halen or other bands of this genre. Objectively the playing is incredible, nobody can deny that. However it just comes across as a bit wanky and cheesy to me.

Despite being an 80s glam album, I still thought it would maybe be good, because it has Eddie van Halen playing on it. That definitely is the best part about it, but I still dont really care for this all that much.

One wonders why some albums are on the list, because of the hit? It´s a standard rock album of the 80s basically, not real special. Waiting for their debut album, which is a true classic, with great riffs in each song.

Technically great, but dated themes and sounds.

pretty forgettable, except for like 3 songs that are already quite popular.

En koskaan muista Van Halenin biisejä, mutta ulkonäön kyllä. Ja tässähän oli kaikki biisit, jotka heiltä tiedän. Aika äijää tukkatwistillä. Kasarin ilmentymä siis. Ei huono mutta en ole kohderyhmää, ei vetoo vaikka on menoo.

Panama on kova biisi, mutten kuuntelisi sitä melkein koskaan, koska se kuulostaa kehnolta. Eddien kitara on tarkka ja taitava, mutta se ei sulaudu muiden elementtien kanssa yhteen, vaan leijuu raitojen yllä omana todellisuutenaan. Hot for Teacher on hauska ja mauton, mutta sekin kuulostaa kehnolta. Vikasta biisistä ("House of Pain" - lol) sietäisi saada miinus kolme pistettä.

Mediokrer Pop Rock.

i don’t rlly like it - feels overplayed? but even the songs i’m not familiar with. like this is the music they play on the speaker at the gym lol. wouldn’t rlly play on my own.

Forgetful 80snrock. I'm sorry.

Fun 80s shit

Not for me, don't mind Panama or hot for teacher but just felt I was looking forward to it being over

Cool but not my cup of tea

The two first songs are bangers then it looses steam.

Saai

Light hearted 80s. Big guitar + synthetic.

I liked this one slightly more than the other VH, mainly through familiarity with the two ‘big’ songs near the start.

Mediocre synths and guitars under mediocre dudes singing about how horny they are. Not my jam.

Guitars. Not something my ear finds super satisfying. Like Jump and Panama because they are more catchy and I’ve been exposed to them across the years. I appreciated the fast tempo, but not at the point where I can appreciate a sweet riff or intricate drumming. Vocals felt slightly dated, but I think with more listening I'd be able to get into the style. 4/10

Not my cup of tea

singles unlistenable in 2023 middle tracks fine, some bangers i'm sure it was a 5 star for my dad but its gonna be a 2 today

Mäh

Mixed feelings on this....good in that it still had Dave. Bad in that it relied on poorly incorporated synth effects.

Van Halen kind of sucks

boring

mite as well GUMP

This is like the most emblematic butt rock album conceivable. David Lee Roth really sucks, he’s such a terrible vocalist it’s kind of unbelievable. Without Eddie, this band would have faded into obscurity. There are so many pointless synth textures worked into the album, clearly because it was trendy. I saw a YouTube comment saying that Alex’s drumming was next level, if you told me this album was made with a drum machine I’d believe it, the drums are so boring. As a band they’re so obsessed with gimmicks to try to distract you from how boring their music is. The actual songwriting is so fundamentally poor and uninteresting, the lyrics are downright embarrassing. It sounds like a high school football linebacker was forced to write poetry. The only song I at all enjoy is hot for teacher, and it’s mostly because I heard it when I was a kid in middle school. The idea of this being anyone’s favorite album is baffling to me.

First of all, I hate myself for kind of liking this. I know it’s bad, it’s so bad. But it kind of hits the spot in a nostalgic way for me. The tracks that incorporate synth lines (Jump and I’ll Wait) are actually a pretty fun evolution of their classic Hair Metal sound, even though they lack quite a bit in the lyrics and vocals (yeah, DLR doesn’t do it for me). Hot For Teacher like actually fucking RIPS if you completely tune out the horrid disgusting lyrics, and Panama is kind of a banger too. The issue that really tears it down is the godawful album cuts. Girl Gone Bad? Drop Dead Legs?! Come on. Terrible tracks. I can’t get over how bad the lyrics and vocals on every single song are. I’ve actually talked myself down while re-listening to write this out. Bangin’ guitar lines aren’t enough to save the stomach-churning themes being passed off has having a fun time. Plus like the lows are SO much lower than the highs are high. I was leaning 3 but I’m more comfortable going 2.

did not really like this besides jump which i think is fun

Hella nah

2.75

When I tell people I don’t like heavy metal their retort is always - “have you listened to any?” In the past, I did listen to it but never enjoyed it and I would almost always say it’s the vocals that I found very difficult. They are usually rasping and raucous and grating and unpleasant to my ears. I was watching a TV programme called the Dog House the other day. There was an adorable heavy metal drummer on there who adopted a husky and his argument was the same. He said people who claimed not to like heavy metal, never listen to any. I promise I have, but my reactions are pretty much the same every time. I don’t like listening to it. The guitars and drums are fine and I appreciate the talent. But I don’t enjoy it, in toto. This Van Halen album veers towards the pop so is less undesirable than other albums. Also, I’ve never really got on with the patriarchal, sexist vibe. Not as bad as some.

Listened to most of this with the kids. So I'm going to share a (paraphrased) family review: Adler: It's just so basic. American rock drumming has got to be some of the most standard and boring drumming out there. Sylvia: I've heard some of these songs. Nothing I would want to listen to. Marianne: It's a caricature of 80s rock bands. I guess I can see how guitarists like Eddie Van Halen. But David Lee Roth was always a hard stop for me. I'd rather go back to 1983 with Cyndi.

Какое же говно я послушал. Музыка никакая (за исключением Jump), певец просто ужасен. Я кое-как это дослушал. Ставлю 2 звезды только за мелодию Jump (песню испортил своим голосом певец). Этот альбом должен заряжать энергией, как AC/DC, но вместо этого вызывает отвращение.

What a hilariously cheesy band and album. Fun to hit some hits in there. Just super glad this was so short.

1984 // Jump // Panama // 2/5

Ha ha.. essential 80’s hair metal… Always Jump at parties back then. But now… very dated

Maybe it was great in the 80s. But it hasn’t aged very well in my opinion. But it had some great line ts in the second half of the album

This is quite possible the worst album art I've ever seen. It kinda reminds me of angelic 2 the core

Pretty rubbish. Couldn't finish it. Pretty empty and not even really fun with it. Oh dear.

I am of the opinion this is where Van Halen fell from the grace of the rock gods... I can appreciate the new form of expression and the use of new technology, but it is not for me. Next.

Another oldie - but Van Halen not really my cup of tea!

Jag tycker inte det här är särskilt spännande.

ugh

Two formulas, a few good tunes but it was wearing thin at this point.

Hot for teacher is one of the worst songs I've heard but the rest it's fine. Probably won't listen to it again though.

Jump is obviously overplayed and Hot for Teacher is a fun but dumb single that has long lost its charm on me, at least there's still Panama. Rest of the album is juste fillers, I just don't care about that album.

I dont get along with people that are overhyping van halen...Boomer alert.

Let out an audible groan when I heard the opening chords of ‘Jump’ and things really only went downhill from there. This to me just seems like the weaker end of 80s rock - corny songwriting and the cheekiness on the album struggled to win me over. I don’t really enjoy Eddie Van Halen’s guitar solos - they just always seem random and without much backbone to them. The couple songs with a solid rhythm section and riffs (Hot For Teacher & Gone Girl Bad) for me are just overshadowed by all the lyrics they happened to put in the songs. Not for me this record - one and a half stars here Fave track (by default): Jump

Nja, arenarock som känns lite förlegad

Much respect to Eddie, he’s a virtuoso. The rest of the band? Not so much.

Not anything that appeals to me. The songs are trite and with little depth. I know the hits, Jump is OK but (one should hear the Aztec Camera version) the rest of the hits are decidedly meh. The deep album cuts hold no pleasant surprises. The only song that I liked was the one that my streaming service played after the album was over - Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love. The guitar histrionics are impressive, if you like that kind of thing, for me it adds little to the song. 2 stars

I don’t know what it is about “Jump,” I’ve always loved this song, ever since I first heard it. It’s like the best of ear worms and guilty pleasures. Those synths just wriggle up inside my brain and pull some sort of dopamine release lever. Something too about the likes of Van Halen—a band named for their guitar player—venturing so boldly into the pop synth sound. It makes the guitar solo that much better when it hits. It’s silly, fun, and I love it. Reminds me to of the guitar work Eddie provided for MJ’s “Beat It,” another great melding of 80s pop and rock sensibilities. Sadly, the rest of the album does not maintain that sensibility…or make much sense. Is 1984 some reference to an Orwellian future? Unlikely. Is “Panama” anything more than inane nonsense and lukewarm metaphors about hard-partying, hot chicks, and fast cars? Unlikely. And while I much appreciate the fun of such songs when The Beach Boys were doing it jovially in the 1960s, by 1984 I find it pretty gross. Grosser still that these bands do nothing but take pop hedonistic chants to such absurdist extremes as “PANAMA-HA” and toss it together with distasteful locker room lines like “I brought my pencil / Give me something to write on!” in “Hot for Teacher.” Though, “Teacher” is a song I actually like musically. The blues riff is tasty, fast, and the opening drum solo is memorably heavy. And, aside from that aforementioned line, I find the crude adolescence mostly works in “Teacher.” Not much else grabs me here. I’m reminded of Def Leppard’s Hysteria and wonder why I came around so sharply on that record when I can’t here. I think it’s because of the maximalist pop-rock inclinations of that record. When VH follows suit—“Jump”—it works tremendously. But the rest of the album, with a few impressive instrumental exceptions, just feels like so much stale rock of the 1980s.

Jump is obviously a classic The rest was not up to much. Impressive guitar playing but forgettable songs

Ik kan hier niet naar luisteren man. Toch een 2 want zijn Nederlandse boys

İlk izlenim: 1984- Yine mi synth imdat. Elektronik müziğikte remaster yapılacak kadar şey yok alo? Bir şey anlayıp bir şey hissetmem mi lazım ben bu Bs'e katlanamam LAN JUMP 😀 Önceki şarkıya söverken bunun başlaması. Alev aldım. Buna bayılıyorum ama tek sebebi arkadaki o üçlü synth'in mükemmel olması. Catchy ve klasikleşmiş zaten. Bu şarkı (7/10) Genel olarak ortalamanın altı bir albüm. Çünkü saran şarkıların yanında çok fazla saçmasalak rezalet şarkı var. (Literally her açıdan) Onun dışında gitar işi güzel, ama sözler meh. Jump olmasa vereceğim puan daha da düşük olurdu (2/10)

This era of hard rock music does nothing for me, there wasn't anything inherently bad about it, I just didn't enjoy it. Maybe a 2.5/5.

Despite the obvious cheesiness, excess and appeal to the LCD, I have to give Van Halen credit here for at least adding SOME musical variety and attempting to have a semblance of self-aware humor, something sorely lacking from their contemporaries. By no means does that make the music enjoyable, and make no mistake, it does not hold up almost 40 years later, and I would never consider including it in a time capsule of 1984's music, so consider my rating of 2 stacks of textbooks as extremely generous, and an acknowledgement that hey, maybe they did earn that D- in high school chemistry after all, without sleeping with the teacher. 📚📚

Yawn!! So bland! Okay, "Jump" is a fun song, no doubt about it. But that's the only track I like even a little bit. Songs with titles like "Hot for Teacher" and "Drop Dead Legs" manage to achieve both bland AND misogynistic. I'd give this a 2.5 if I could - there are some fun moments but it's otherwise boring. I'm rounding down because it's just so pedestrian.

Вау! Этот альбом так быстро пролетел! Я не помню совершенно нихуя, кроме одной песни! Однотипный инструментал и до смерти забитые тематики текстов совершенно не делают этот альбом лучше. Для заднего фона пойдёт, но полноценно слушать здесь совершенно нечего. (5)

Mediocre 80s hair metal, which is not my favourite genre. A few good moments, and a rubbish pop hit ("Jump") does not make an essential album. Not for me, but better than Nico and Morrisey (and quite a few others on the list).

Least favorite VH

Just not good or important enough

The guitar work was very good, but this is just not really my type of music.

Nope, hier word ik als mens niet blij van. Was ik maar een gnoe, of een alpaca, dan werd ik hier denk ik wel blij van. Maar als mens.... nee.

On the positive side, it's short. Also, I did like Jump. But, how shall I put it diplomatically? I despise the mundane, uninspiring, and bland waste of time that passed for American rock music at the time (and often still does).

I mean… it’s Van Halen at the height of their schtick. Glorious hair metal. It is what it is. Sorry, but bring me some thrash and leave the hairspray at home.

Just vile and kind of offensive.

Cheesy 80’s hair metal, very dated.

Not a van Halen fan. Jump. Panama.

Literally 1984. Hair metal is just Gen X's version of nu metal - cool at the time, mostly completely embarrassing today, some people still swear it aged well. Van Halen, Bon Jovi, Mötley Crüe, Def Leppard, KISS.. who the hell cares dude. Eddie was an insanely talented guitarist though, can't deny that. Should have played better songs, sorry.

meh

Meh.

Not my genre, sounds really dated.

The mind-blowing-ly good musicianship on all parts is the only redeeming factor of this album

Kyl mä tän varmaan ostaisin kirpparilta jos saa femmalla tai alle vinyylinä, mutta kyl se melkeen häiden jatkoille bookatulla dj-keikalla ainoastaan sois. Pari ”kovaa” hittii mut aika tylsä muuten. 2/5

Obviously some real bangers. But about 80% of this album just felt repetitive and boring.

It was fine, nothing remarkable

Just not that interesting tbh. Jump is a banger but even then only because it reminds me of movies.

Funny this came around Josh saying in the LD that Van Halen was 100% dad music. Not my bag

Overall this record is slightly less ridiculous than I thought it would be. "Jump" and "Panama" are cheesy hits, but given the right context, their punchiness can trigger smiles and even ironic exhilaration. Everything after is just a pretext to make Eddie Van Halen shine, and I guess you have to admit his guitar playing is impressive. Oh, and those synths come back for a track on side two... But at this point, who cares? Does all of this make *1984* an essential album? Not for me. I can be open-minded for dumb stuff sometimes, but you need a music that doesn't sound totally artificial and tasteless, as is the case here. "Daft" doesn't necessarily mean pointless. That's the lesson punk music taught us all. Number of albums left to review or just listen to:  more than 800, I've temporarily lost count here Number of albums from the list I find relevant enough to be mandatory listens:  approximately a half so far  Albums from the list I *might* include in mine later on: a quarter Albums from the list I will certainly *not* include in mine (many others are more important): the last quarter (including this one)

Eddie Van Halen er mjög flinkur á gítar. Lögin eru ekki öll leiðinleg. Ekkert þeirra er beinlínis skemmtilegt, en ætli Jump komist ekki næst því. Ætla ekki að spila viljandi aftur.

It was the 80's. Loud and obnoxious. Jump always was a good song. In the midst of a lot of loud is Eddie Van Halen's guitar.

Caught between pleasing the questionable tastes of the 80s and the usual VH desire to shred the threads of reality through riffs, this one falls a bit flat as a whole album. It shocked me when I learned 'Jump' was a Van Halen track for how synth-reliant and cheesy it is, and you expect me to believe this can live alongside 'Hot For Teacher' and form a coherent whole? Some bright moments here but overall just a misfire of an LP in my book.

Jump is one of those songs that I always think of synonymously with 80s music... it's a great track, but I couldn't get into the rest of this album really, felt quite aged.

classic sounds at places, but of an era

Yawn

As technically proficient as the instrumental portion is, it isn’t terribly interesting. The vocals ruin it anyway.

Von allen Fitzlern fand ich Eddie Van Halen immer am musikalischsten und habe ihn dafür immer geschätzt. Aber diese Platte ist bis auf Jump echt nicht gut. Und auch das Solo in Jump ist nicht sooo gut.

Van halen? more like van, hajde odavde iz mojih ušiju. 2 zbog jump

Oh, znam pjesmu Jump, dobra je. Kad sam slušao album na putu do posla, okrenuo sam kapu naopako i nisam htio pozdravljati ljude jer sam badass, al sam ipak pozdravljao, al nisam djecu koja su išla u školu - valjda se neki red treba znat.

Really. 1980s American cock rock. One of the best 1000 albums of all time. Hmmmph. Impress me...I hope Jump isn't the best track cos I'm not a fan. Roth is an obnoxious arsehole. EvH is a great guitarist...but if I'm gonna lay into Yeezus for its lyrics its only fair to point out the shite that runs though this load a bollocks. (Hot for Teacher is exhibit #1) 2.

Although there is the odd moment - this isn't for me

American guitar pop

the synth opening for JUMP is good. But other than that, this is annoying to me.

Hit after HIT!! That's the first comment on the YouTubes. I disagree, it's more shit after hit. The YouTube comments for this album are a treat. you can tell what generation their fans are instantly. This guy sums it up. This song is #3 in my top-5 underrated Van Halen songs. 1. Fools 2. Sinner's Swing! 3. Top Jimmy 4. Could This Be Magic? 5. Big Bad Bill (Is Sweet William Now) If someone didn’t know who VH was and asked me to give them only one song to try and get them into VH, I would give that person Fools. It has it all. Improve, energy, riffs, pounding rhythm section, killer backup vocals, etc, everything that is VH to me. How could they leave that song off their setlist for all these years? It was one of their first ever original songs and is found on their live recordings from their club days but never played on any major tours after WACF came out. WTH?! Sinner’s Swing is a killer song! 2nd song on their FW tour setlist and never played again. Ugh! Top Jimmy is where I get when people say that Ed was a better rhythm player than given credit for. It has a killer intro and mean riffs in a funky weird song. It’s definitely VH, alright!  They were just showing off when they did Could This Be Magic and Big Bad Bill. I know BBB is cover but still. They are showing off just how talented and versatile they were. What other successful mainstream band could pull off songs like those? That’s like Black Sabbath recording a country song or Air Supply covering an Accept song. Music could go on for another million years but there will never be another Mighty Van Halen! 🇺🇸

Rubbing bacon on my clit and listening to Van Halen. What a beautiful evening.

Awooga

Interesting instrumentals ruined by incredibly cringe lyrics. This type of rock music is not for me

Might as well jump.

Not a fan. Really dislike the space-like synths. Melodies in the guitar solos have no emotion, only bragging. Some tunes are catchy, I guess.

Kb alter

How does anyone enjoy this? Still better than bon Jon bovine at least 2

I was pleasantly surprised with their debut album, chock-full of hits and catchy guitar licks. This one not so much.

So much of this album is style over substance. The guitar work here is genuinely way ahead of its time and extremely impressive on a technical level, but it always gets rolled into these generic cock rock songs that sound more dated than ever.

Never really liked Van Halen

Yep - we all love a bit of Jump - it's iconic But the rest of this now... just feels tired Like it was made in 1984 I suppose...

Way too cheesy for my tastes

Probably fairly groundbreaking but it comes across as it was created by moderately talented people with short attention spans.

A couple of interesting tracks but also a lot of filler. Not really going to listen to this one again anytime soon

It's hard to genuinely listen to this and not feel like it was put on ironically. These songs have appeared in too many things and it's such a fake, put-on vibe. The musical talent is undeniable, but the styling is not for me.

I love a lot of 80s hard rock but this just felt built specifically for MTV. Jump is a great throwaway tune and I like Panama but the rest of it left me totally cold

Say what you will but this was short at least

It is what is is, yo.

Utterly generic

poodle rock

I mean, it’s Van Halen. It’s not bad - just not my cup of tea. There will always be a time and place for Jump. Unfortunately, there’s just not much of those for the rest of the album for me.

pretty rubbish 80's rock but jump is a classic

It's just not for me. Jump is great and I can see the influence on bands I like such as MLB, but I think as I wasn't into it at the time, it's going to be a struggle to get it now. Great to hear EVH's guitar playing properly though, even if it is masked in synth overload.

Ooops not one in my Vinyl collection TBH... some 80's rock was a bit grim wasn't it. Jump is about it for me!

Silky cock rock

Ehh... can't say i'm into this sort of music. More about the flashy guitars than cresting beautiful unique soundscapes, and the meh lyrics don't make up for that loss of enjoyment.

Unos heroes del rock quisieron hacer pop y les salió muy bien, que no opinen los puristas, excelente sonido, escuchar las cuerdas de eddie es barnizar tus oidos, y no solo con la guitarra, hits muy clásicos

... Ok.

2/5

Well, that album when downhill fast. The guitar-drive, heavy metal pop work really well through the first few tracks on 1984, but things fall apart after Panama. The first track is a great lead up to the record, but the rest just feels empty. Eddie Van Halen's guitar talent is undeniable, but David Lee Roth is hilariously incompetent as a frontman/lyricist. Fav Tracks: Panama, Jump, 1984 Rating 2.5/5

It’s so lame. Accept the guitar, the guitar is great.

I love a lot of 80s hard rock but this just felt built specifically for MTV. Jump is a great throwaway tune and I like Panama but the rest of it left me totally cold

Boring and didn’t hold my attention but glad it was quite a short album.

Classic but not my favorite

Jump is cool! :)

Wird nicht besser mit mir und van halen

Hair metal has never been my thing, though jump is very fun

This album is just the songs Jump and Hot for Teacher. It's alright. And boy is eddie good at soloing. But there's not much elsewhere.

I've heard most of these songs individually but never together. I'm not a fan.

Great drums and guitar work. Not a fan of synth and DLR vocals. Favorite Tracks: I'll Wait

Meh

I understand and respect why some people think this album is great. Perhaps colored by hearing my brother (and MTV) playing this endlessly when I was a kid, I just cannot get into it. Rockin' jams, great guitar playing, but it just always feels like unimportant and uninspired music to me. I supposed I could find things in my library that I love that might also seem unimportant, but that's where I land on this one. It's not a dish I'd partake in very often.

Had none of what made VH good.

Overrated

Familiar songs. 80s rock

VH - "Look at all the fancy flash note I can play." Me - "But why would I want to listen to them?"

Awful awful awful

favs: 1984 jump rating 1.2/5

not for me

no no no no no no no no

They shred but do their lyrics have to be so stupid. I’d rather not think about a kid banging his teacher, thanks. They have a lot of technical skill, but they don’t use it for good.

Total pish

I'm with Jim and William Reid on this one. Apparently they have caused a stir recently in an interview by describing Van Halen as one of the worst guitar players in the world and ruined rock guitar music during the 80's and 90's. This is horrible stuff and so were all all the other soft rock bands who imitated this rubbish.

I gave it a chance, I swear. It did nothing for me, but at least its a short album.

very effective anti-smoking ad. smoking has never seemed more uncool!

I put this off all day and ended up having to listen to it the next morning. I just really wasn't looking forward to it at all. For me, the intro is pointless - it's too short to hold any real interest for an instrumental. Jump is fine, but the synths are just SO synthy. Panama is boring and I really don't like the William Shatneresque spoken-word bit. There's just too much instrumental noodling for the sake of it, for me to enjoy this, and certainly too much for me to carry on going track by track in this review. I'll be back if something I like happens... ...nope. 1/5 (but not as bad as the ones I hate, this was mostly just dull)

Just no.

I have a long standing and deep seated hatred of Van Halen, and just about every single one of their contemporaries from this era. This entire obnoxious glam rock phase of society should not have happened, and I think half the reason I like grunge as much as I do is because it virtually killed off this garbage from the mainstream. Having said that, I did attempt to give this album a fair shake. I’m afraid all that did was reinforce my belief that this is not anything close to resembling listenable or enjoyable music for me. I can’t deny that Eddie Van Halen was a very talented guitar player, but beyond that I don’t think I have a single nice thing to say here. The music is generic and boring, the uninspired use of synths does nothing for me. The lyrics are vapid, cocky, and questionable, if not verging on objectionable. I’m certainly going to avoid this record in the future, if at all possible.

So I put this on with the intention of forgetting everything I knew or thought about Van Halen and pretending this was the first time I had ever listened to them. For the short intro song and through maybe the first verse of “Jump” I had convinced myself that there may be a world where, in 1984, when this album had just been released, I could see its appeal. But by the end of “Jump” I came back to reality and remembered that actually that song totally sucks, and it only got so much worse from there. “Top Jimmy”, “Drop Dead Legs” and “Hot For Teacher” are the absolute nadir of the album and maybe of all 80s music. Physically actually a little nauseating. I can say I kind of liked the ~20-30 seconds of drum intro to “Hot For Teacher”. Ugh I hope I never type that title again. All in all I was quite literally counting the seconds until the merciful end of this album. So completely bad in every way.

not as good as Joni Mitchell’s Blue

My only experience with Van Halen is finding one of their albums in my dad's record collection and being completely shocked. love my dad but I can't help but feel this is music for to numb the mind (or for strip clubs, or for 80s movies) . Panama actually includes a recording of Eddie revving his Lamborghini, taken near the tailpipe. I might be past the point in my life where I could have appreciated this.

No. Just no. Panama awful lyrics. Top Jimmy awful licks. And repeat. Drop Dead Legs sounded a bit ZZ Top like but their Legs song is much better. Yes he can play guitar but to what end.

just a really silly album overall

Everything I hate about the 80's wrapped up in a short 30 minute album

Utter cack

Es gibt kein cliché hafteres 80er, weiße Rocker, Highschool Album als das. Jeder Song ist so oberflächlich. Klar die Gitarre ist nicht schlecht, aber es gibt keine Gefühle die in den Texten verarbeitet werden. Das ist langweilig. Es wäre so eine richtige Filmmusik für: wir fahren in 2 Wochen die Route 66 ab mit 2 Harleys. Das auf Dmax ausgestrahlt werden würde. Das Album ist NICHT gut. 2/10 Jump ist ganz OK, aber das Lied ist noch das beste vom Album. Das Album Cover sagt eigentlich schon alles über das Album. Irgendwie erinnert mich das Album an richtige Amerikaner, Republikaner.

Yikes, Van Halen sucks. The original quirked up white boys/10

Não gosto de rock clássico

meh

Not to my liking, then or now. DLR is overrated. Eddie could definitely play. But that's not enough for me. Their sound is banal and the lyrics did not age well. I can't even give them a charity star (for Eddie's playing). Instead of running with the devil, I just wish Satan (if the thing existed) had kept 'em. 1 "because I have to" star.

genuinely poop, 80s slop

Music to listen to while eating British food.

Turgid cockrock

puh hit am Anfang ok dann unerträglich..c

Terrible

felt like one big whoop

Wank

Made me want to Jump out the window.

Dodgy lyrics, dodgy album. 1 star for Jump!

i honestly hate it

its music for idiots but i'm not upset it was made because it probably had to be for culture reasons i guess. actually the heavy metal guitar noodling shit does make me kind of mad. The jump song immediately made me laugh. Cue someone from an 80s movie "JUMP"ing into a pool

like i get it, but i don’t care. instrumentals are nice tho

Literally only knew like one Van Halen song before this, excited to here more !! Very 80s. Pretty groovy rock !! Fav song is ‘Jump’.

Huge minus points for album cover alone, and I have literally not listened to a single second yet.... Okay we're in! Hugely sceptical of an song called "1984" that is written in 1984, and also it's just vague synth noises which fair enough if that's all you have to say about the era. Doesn't quite hold up to, you know, the other famous 1984 - but if you can't compete, why even try? One rapid 30 min listen and I understand this is the exact sort of band that Spinal Tap was parodying, but also they were about 1000 times better than this? So what even is this? I'd take "Big Bottom" over "Drop Dead Legs" any day. This is the absolute dirge of rock music. It makes me want to hate all rock music, and I don't. In fact, I am appalled that when I was younger and I didn't quite have the music vocabulary that I do today, I would describe my taste as "rock" - to think people thought I was talking about this kind of band makes me want to throw up. Also the album cover!! I'm deducting points again because I looked at it again and it's so bad. We're in the minus stars now...

More like albums to die before you hear. Dogshit, like Spinal Tap but not funny. The only good thing about this album is that it's short. Even the cover is heinous. I hate hate hate hate it. I'm fairly ambivalent about grunge, but when I think about how it killed off shit like this, I like it a little bit more.

Not for me.

Not my vibe, but I did really like the first instrumental song

I'll start with the positives: from a recording/mix/production standpoint, it sounds massive and super clear. Points for production. EVH's trademark shredding is present and correct. The intro to Top Jimmy is quite interesting. Jump is a half decent pop song. However... This album says nothing of substance. At all. Stylistically, it's the worst kind of bonehead, lycra-clad hard rock/glam metal, and the insertion of some painfully 80s synths doesn't help in any way. That this was seen as some kind of shocking artistic pivot at the time baffles me. Lyrically, it's total dross, with nausea-inducing song titles like Drop Dead Legs and Hot For Teacher having aged particularly badly. The latter's drum intro is complete wankery and heralds what might be a contender for worst song on this thing. I'll Wait was probably my favourite instrumental, but again the lyrics are total garbage. Album closer House of Pain brings all these aspects together in one horrific glam metal pastiche. I now understand the movie Spinal Tap on a deeper level. Oh, and the faux-edgy album artwork is pure shock value with no meaningful artistic point of view in sight (look, it's a cherub smoking a cigarette! How taboo!) The best music should speak to your soul; I listen to this and feel absolutely nothing.

Things I like about the album: The synth melody from Jump with that really cool bass sound underneath it. The drums on Hot for Teacher before the guitar comes in. Everything else sounds awful. Everything I dislike about rock music in one package. Emotionless guitar solos, ceaseless machismo, nothing to spark any kind of feeling.

Every song feels too long. Synth lines are ok sometimes, guitar is too self indulgent to care about being good, drums piss me off, bass exists, vocals and lyrics are just so awful. He was 30 writing like he was 15 and sounding like he was 50. Fade out on the last song fuck you.

Not a fan of traditional all American dad rock particularly and after this it still stands. I thought the start of top jimmy sounded interesting but then it actually started and it sounded like the rest of the album. Wouldn’t listen again.

Ah my favorite genre, music for misogynists

Nah

Technically proficient as the guitar playing may be, it seems more interesting when paired with synths because it manages to create the spark of an identity in the relationship between the two, otherwise it's flavorless. It's difficult to pin anything specific about Van Halen's sound, in comparisson with the avarage rock band of the time; it's just bursts of energy from a completely uninteresting Hard Rock sound. It confuses complexity with electricity and expressiveness. And lyrically, when it's not a complete vacuum, it's just utterly unbearable. Also thoroughly unsexy for a record that is trying to act very horny. Often just disgusting when it ventures through those areas.

Refused to listen.

Oh dear. Indulgent nonsense.

Jump is great, the others not so much.

yani hot hot for teacherı biliyordum ve güzel. ama albümün geri kalanı müthiş boş mu sanki? house of pain belki biraz güzel ama genel boş bir albüm sevgili van halen.

For a second I was shocked by the thought that, if I had been around and old enough in 1984, I could have been into this record, too. But then I sighed in relief… thankfully it’s 2026 (there must be some kind of silver lining to living in these times), and I can wholeheartedly say: I would have known better — this record is (and always was) absolutely terrible! Hot Teacher might just be one of the single most insufferable songs I’ve ever heard (to the point of almost causing physical pain), making the lyrics of Def Leppard sound like an advanced master’s class in poetry by comparison.

The worst of really over-produced American hard rock. It all just sounds so phoney and soulless. Hate it.

Sorry, but never got the VH bug. I can appreciate EVH, up to a point. But a gimmick is a gimmick, no matter how good you are at it. Diamond Dave is a character and a caricature. Lots of better bands out there. With a lot more to say.

It’s definitely a lot of noise.

This is certainly an album I could've done without hearing before I die!

cba with van Halen tbh

i don't love this album or even like Van Halen. I did listen though, the guitar is no joke here. With that being said i give 2.5/10

Best track was the opening 1.07 min intro. Jump has been overplayed for the last 40 years. Didn’t like them in the 80’s and nothing has changed since. Luckily it was only 33 minutes long. Wont be listening to this again.

One track out of nine is pretty poor. Having said that, the one is a massive classic. 80s, misogynistic. The cover artwork screams all sorts of wrong, white angel smoking, rebel without a cause. That was the evolving 80s for you, some of it better dead and buried.

When I listen to this album I feel nothing. Nothing happens. Nobody cares. Very much of-its-era and not a great era to be of. Lyrics don't mean anything in this era. Emotion? No. No emotion. Progression? No. No progression. Passion? To some, maybe, but this legitimately just sounds like some white guy who can't sing trying to sound cool. Basically equivalent of bad pop punk. I kinda like jump because it's the only one which feels kinda fun. Side note: Not sure if I'm committed to this idea yet, but I might try to do an exact normal distribution of albums. I usually have a hard time with the lower end of a normal distribution, but right out of the gate I have two 1/5s so it might be TOO downskewed. So far the worst album I've listened to on thsi list, but to be fair it's only the second.

Wet, microwaved, cardboard crust. Way too much red sauce. Chunky, high-moisture mozzarella. They might say, "Hey, at least it's still pizza." But is it? The culinary abomination you're putting in your mouth, because you have to eat something, right? Is it? Is it even pizza...?

File under Frat Boy nonsense.

Boring crap album for shit dads

D.N.L.

Horrible, dated rock. I particularly dislike the drumming and bass guitar, as well as the singing and the stupid lyrics.

I know you’ll hate me for this. But it’s really bad, it’s fart rock, it’s the worst front man of all time and a guy shredding. It’s a band I never understood, I hate the songs Jump and Hot for teacher so fucking much. It’s 1980s USA capitalism and cocaine rock, 4th of July BBQ-core. Pls don’t leave me.

Cannot stand Van Halen. Boring, predictable hair rock. Awful period in music.

Not good

We should never speak of this album again. Awful! And yet, as I write this (on my hols, in a local cafe), you'll never guess what's just come on the radio. Go ahead and jump!!

Ох як же мене бісить ван хален 80х, особливо трек Джамп. Я просто ненавиджу це клавішне інтро, а ще більше ненавиджу кліп.

I skipped most of it tbh hot for teacher: I don’t get the point of this long ass intro I’ll wait : the best atp hate these long intros 😑 house of pain : the best I would’ve put 1,5 stars but I can’t so 1 it is

This does nothing for me at all Can imagine them being a fun time live, but it's not interesting listening to this at home. Also grown men saying they're "hot for teacher" is just weird

I hated this.

Rock is not my vibe

stinks. jump is good.

Nah

I can still recall when this record launched. I listened to it a few times and remember being disappointed more at each listen. I feel they were departing from the "heavier" rock sound into more of a lighter hair band sound like Poison and the rest. Panama is the only song on this record worth listening to. I think I ended up throwing it in the trash.

You can’t argue this album made lots of people rich, and so epic in one way. But essential?

From the sublime to the ridiculous. Spent the day listening to Cyndi Lauper's She's So Unusual instead.

a mild foot tap to Jump & then I lost interest.

Awful. I find it funny that this used to be considered metal

Makes me think of those fathers day compilation CDs from the early 2000s

I respect EVH as a guitarist and Diamond Dave as a great rock n roll front man. But man I've never understood the fascination and lauding of this steaming pile of shit of a band. Michael Anthony can fuck right off as a bass player and a human. Alex is the product of a weird sibling nepotism. Cool! you can make your bass drum sound like a motorcycle for a minute before your brother comes in and rips that shine away from you once more. Fuck I hate this band...Jump is ok

Had to check repeatedly that this album was in fact different to the abomination I had early on in the Project. It is, but it's also absolutely identical. The man is talented. The man has no soul. It gains a very marginal uptick for the fact that Jump is a little bit hard to resist. You can do it, but it's a bit hard.

well its very bad, didnt enjoy a second of it, but not as bad as the other albums ive given one star. however people on this website like it too much, so i just have to do this

80er als Album. Laut und nervig. Kaum Abwechslung. Wenigstens schnell vorbei absolut nix für mich. Jump und panama sind wenigstens für ein dummes grinsen gut, aber als ersten 2 Lieder das Highlight. 1/5

Hey they made that song you hear at basketball games…

Oh. The only redeeming feature of this album is its brevity. Though I suppose the cover is vaguely amusing.

This is the 118th album I’m rating. I've always been a bit of a Van Halen hater but I've never listened to an album before so maybe they'll prove me wrong. Adding to my Playlist - Nothing. Not Adding to my Playlist - 1984, Jump, Panama, Top Jimmy, Drop Dead Legs, Hot for Teacher, I'll Wait, Girl Gone Bad, and House of Pain. All in all I liked 0/9 songs. Somehow worse than Elvis Costello.

Everything that’s not Jump, Panama, or Hot for Teacher is cock rock bullshit.

not for me, lowk boring 🥱

Did not like this at all. Very repetitive and all the guitar solos sound the same. Lyrics like “Dig that steam, giant butt / Makes me scream, I get nuh-nuh-nothing” on Drop Dead Legs are awful, and the lyrics overall are pretty bland.

Cover very cool. Songs very bad.

Heard all these songs so many times. I really don’t like this album at all.

Found this album hard to get through. There was a few songs that gave me nostalgia —possibly in a commercial in the early 90s or something but beyond that it’s just not really my vibe. “Panama” is a nice energetic anthem, “Hot Teacher” has some cool riffs, but beyond that I guess I’m just not into this gym-locker-frat-rock 80s vibe.

kind of baffling to call this an "album" you must hear considering the only things even arguably worth hearing here are the singles, which almost every english speaker (ie the primary audience for this book) has probably already heard. no one's gonna get anything out of these album tracks, and even the singles are big dumb meatballs that aren't remotely appealing to me after a first listen and at this point I've heard them all about 300,000 times. bonus points for the cover art being just laughably stupid

80s (and earlier) bands were horny in a way that I frankly don't really get. Like half of these songs are this way. Anyway this wasn't very good. On occasion I might listen to Jump but honestly not really. Everything else is corny guitar that, while probably technically impressive, doesn't really move me.

Look, it's not a decent album when you find yourself thinking, "You know, I think I prefer the Glee cover of this song to the original." several times while listening to it.

Still to this day. I have to explain to so many people that Eddie Van Halen was not my son! A remarkably similar playing style on the guitar but that’s not Ken Chutney’s genes. It’s just plagiarism! 1.2

Annoying. Boring.

Trash

The 80s dripping out of every orifice. I was tired of it less than 5 minutes into the album.

Nah bro

Just not my thing. Overrated and over played.

Sehr Synthesizer-lastig, verstehe nicht was das Album mit 1984 zutun hat (nehme an der Titel ist auf das Buch bezogen) hat insgesamt eine euphorische Stimmung die manchmal Gegensätzlich zum Text steht (jump?)-> Oberflächlich Eine autofahr Platte finde ich Lieder sind melodisch ähnlich meiner Meinung nach und der Bass ist eher monoton im Vordergrund sind Gesang und sinthesizer?

Van Halen probably wouldn't have been for me in the 80s and it certainly isn't today. A couple hits, but nothing I'll be coming back to.

Awful

We don’t need this. We have steel panther who can imitate the guitar explosions and spandex wearing idiocy, but they do it with a huge sense of irony that is missing from this slab of cheesy bollocks.

Just awful

Being forced to listen to hair metal against my will? Literally 1984.

What a disgusting album cover - That alone would have meant I'd never of listened to this album otherwise. Not a fan of this glam rock trash. Album is carried by 3 songs: Jump, Panama, and Hot for teacher. Jump is too crisp and overplayed. Panama is okay, if a little 'basic'. Hot for teacher - starts strong (Daft Punk link) and has a pulsating rythym but the lyrics are pathetic. The rest is average and forgettable.

baaaaaaddddd

pairing guitar virtuosos with a Front Man™ instead of a journeyman always ends in disaster. I cannot stand Roth's vocals or antics. there's some good stuff here but it's all of a time and the dated sounds don't really hit for me

Well that was tedious.

First time listen. Highlights: I’ll wait

bad

Mercifully short. Can't stand DLR's voice. Eddie Van Halen is technically amazing but it does nothing for me. And this album cover is terrible.

1 star! I particularly dislike hard rock and this one was just not it.

I just don't like the singer. If the album was purely instrumental it would be amazing and 5 stars. Smoke on the Water is great though.

It wasn’t 1984 lolz

Nom nom nom

Не слушал

1984 - Spaceshippy; instrumental; not much to say - I guess it works as a decent opener? -3/5 mostly for its inoffensiveness Jump -Familiar refrain; very 80s synthy -Again, a distinctly 80s guitar solo -I'm convinced I've heard this before in a movie or a commercial, but the closest I can think is that it might've been in the 2016 Sing trailer? Because I haven't watched Ready Player One or Glee, and Wikipedia says that, a McDonald's commercial, and Herbie: Fully Loaded are the only places its been featured. -3/5 just for the feeling that I know this, even though probably don't Panama -I'm getting the vibe that this is gonna be a distinctly 80s dad rock album, but not one that I personally will like. -Sprechgesang, mostly, which I like to think I'm not really a fan of (seems to be popularized especially now these days in pop) but I do like some Nick Cave songs, so I don't know -Yeah, I'm not really a fan of this. Just realized I've not been listening to lyrics as much as the guitar line. Says a lot about the fact that I prefer melody. Also, apparently this is about a car? Panama Express? According to Wikipedia -"The Toronto Maple Leafs began to use the song when scoring at home against Original Six teams in the 2023–24 season" SICKENING. -Apparently the US played this when trying to psychologically torture Noriega into coming out. Well. I think it would've worked on me -1/5. Would've been a 2/5 if not for the Leafs part Top Jimmy -I do have to kind of appreciate the sparkly synthy bits of the guitar, which kind of makes me think this must've inspired whoever inspired who inspired etc etc. Radiohead for bits of Let Down -Dad rock guitar solo -Hate the overaffected feminine moaning of "Oh Jimmy" at the end. Knocks this down to a 1/5 probably will not listen to again Drop Dead Legs -I don't hate this much as much as I've disliked the previous couple of songs. Just read about Van Halen and the "brown sound" Described at roland.com as "Van Halen’s guitar tone had distortion. A lot of distortion. Distorted guitar tones were of course par for the course in the 1970’s, but this was something else entirely. The sheer amount of overdrive gain was immense. Also, rather than the sometimes “raggedy” or “harsh” tone that often comes out of heavily overdriven tube amps, this sound was somehow liquid, organic and warm," I don't know much about guitars or the sounds that they should produce, but it does have a sort of liquidy smooth sonic quality. Well I don't hate it. The outro is probably the best part of this -I might include it on a playlist, but I'm not sure I'd listen to it by itself. 3.5/5 Hot For Teacher -Well. I've made jokes about this one, so let's see where/how it goes. I'll Wait -Synthy opening, menacing bassline. Wikipedia says that the Doobie Brothers' Michael McDonald involved. Okay. I think I might be inclined to feel a little less sus of him because Genevieve Oliver put him on a playlist -Sonically, I think it's nothing really intriguing, but the textures of the synths and the distortion and the amps are kind of interesting. Especially when you get that warm brown sound coming back in. -Probably shouldn't have read the part where this is apparently addressed to a rl underwear model who the band didn't know. Feels a little. Not great. -If I wrote Supernatural fanfiction, I'd probably make Dean Winchester like this album. Seems like what he'd like -3/5. Might put it on a playlist one day if it fit. Wouldn't listen to it voluntarily Girl Gone Bad -Moved to car backseat; wasn’t really paying attention. Um it’s just kind of inoffensive and noisy I guess. Didn’t hold my attention so best I can give it is a 2/5 House of Pain -Again, noisy. Last half is just instrumental. It seems a little too hair metal for me. I should probably research why this band connects with people and what the impact of this album is, because it doesn’t do much for me -Also I find the “na na’s” during the instrumental kinda trite 2/5 1.5/2 stars for me overall

Cheesy 80- tals "hair metal". Låter jätte eighties och har allmänt inte förändrats särskilt bra.

Just a genuinely annoying fucking album. I would bet money on every song here being featured prominently in some shlocky Happy Madison production or something of that ilk. Highlights (AKA Things I hated the least) Jump: *** I'll Wait: *** House of Pain: ** 1/2

“Hair Metal” is the worst genre of music

Dogshit except for 3 things and they are not enough: 1) Occasional pyrotechnics from Ed. His influential style has become the norm by this point, but he's still great at it. 2) 'Jump' is a great pop single. 3) That thing where Dave sounds like he was out in the garden by the barbecue and someone calls him inside and he's like: "wuh, aaaaaaaaah. hey oh, yeah!" These songs are bad, ZZ Top want their riffs back and the rest is hair metal with surprisingly dull sounding guitar and dodgy song subjects and lyrics. The band do have a driving AC/DC style chug, but so do AC/DC so listen to them. This did not even make me want to buy a Camaro IROC with the bumper hanging off or get a mullet like 'Eliminator' does. Pan-a-ma! Panama-hah! Pan-a-ma! It's on the street! The heat is (doof doof doof doof) on.

Not for me 1/5

God I hated this. Listening once was too much - I refuse to listen again.

Rubbish. Music as pretentious as the album cover.

This is unpleasant

Utterly uninspiring with a healthy dose of childish misogyny. Was going to get a 2 for the fun guitar playing but, nah.

Nothing jumped out at me.

"To summarise...this album and the genre it belongs too should be sealed in a large container and buried in a secret location...never to be found and/or opened again. 0 Stars!" Couldn't have said it better

80s hair metal just doesn't hold up at all today. From someone with no nostalgic attachment to this kind of music, there's nothing positive or enjoyable I can pull from it aside from a few cool instrumental parts.

I admit it, I just loathe classic rock like this. So much of this is so cringe

Is this hard rock? Unmelodious songs and bad vocals that destroy the songs that sometimes start well. Maybe VH should have done more pop songs.

Juvenile.

no

It's a no from me, This album wasn't made for me, I'm sorry. Just no lyrics or rock elements that got me going. Rating: 1/5 Playlist Track: Drop Dead Legs? Date Listened: 10/01/2024

Terrible cover, terrible music.

22/100

Please go and bore someone else with your silly songs. If you wanna be macho make real macho songs.

Was kinda ass ngl

Yeah... no. This is of a time that I think is best forgotten. On the plus side, it's only 33 minutes long.

One word comes to mind: Clown-Metal.

Awful stuff. Please let me listen to something that isn't 80s American rock.

Jump, track 2, is a thing Nelson hates. We didn't like the album. :( No shade. Uninspiring and repetitive. Best tracks: Panama, I'll Wait

Dated synths, cheesy lyrics, blatant laziness musically and sonically, this record has everything in the shameful sellout checklist!

shit

Poor songwriting and a soulless frontman performance make this iconic ‘80s rock album just simply “rock music” to the barest of bones. The main selling point of Van Halen, being Eddie as the guitarist, displays him showing pure musicianship with little artistic merit, leaving me with a “nothing” taste in my mouth after this album ended.

Big haired shite.

Dreadful on so many levels.